The Roommate Chronicles of Janice and Sabine

Started by: TwitchyPidge | Replies: 1 | Views: 547

TwitchyPidge
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Jul 28, 2015 12:29 PM #1388373
I wanted to actually create a story for my lovely ladies as their lives progress. So here it is so far!

First up is sort of an intro to the dynamic of their lives so far. Not action packed but it's got character (in my opinion anyways, please feel free to agree/disagree below!)

The First Few Months (Click to Show)

There you have it, it takes place kind of where I left off with the demo, which Janice's profile is linked in my demo if you've yet to check that out! Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think!

-Twitch
Malacal
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Aug 5, 2015 1:16 AM #1391630
Do you want CnC? I'd be happy to provide some CnC. CnC is nice. I'm going to give you CnC.

I really only have one piece of advice to give, it deals with dialog. In your long beginning section of dialog, I imagine two girls staring at each other while absolutely nothing else happens. It's like two stone statues are conversing. You need to have actions enhance the dialog a bit more. I mean, they stand there, one flicks blood off her shirt, another at one point crosses her arms. Yay, so much stuff is going on here. Basically, more action, even if it's Janice trying to maneuver past Sabine to get to the alcohol

That is all <3