thechosengamer(Verde the Botanist) vs PhebeaStickz(Blake the Elf):Science vs Magic

Started by: TheChosenGamer | Replies: 15 | Views: 1,543

TheChosenGamer
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Aug 22, 2015 2:23 AM #1398012
wRHG
My third battle and Pheb's first
Let the battle begin!
Science (Click to Show)

Magic (Click to Show)


P.S.: Don't ask me why both sides is Verde's victory. I simply copy pasted my and
Ebehp
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Aug 22, 2015 2:56 AM #1398022
Our wRHG has many similarities. That really surprised me. The spitting, blades clashing. Who knew? xD
TheChosenGamer
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Aug 22, 2015 2:57 AM #1398023
Why you make me win on your side?
Ebehp
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Aug 22, 2015 3:00 AM #1398024
Quote from TheChosenGamer
Why you make me win on your side?


Pft. It felt like a good idea. Besides, I'm a blind elf. What can I do~ naw. It just felt like you should win. I dunno. After all you were much more experienced

alternate ending (Click to Show)
TheChosenGamer
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Aug 22, 2015 3:42 AM #1398040
Quote from PhebeaStickz
Pft. It felt like a good idea. Besides, I'm a blind elf. What can I do~ naw. It just felt like you should win. I dunno. After all you were much more experienced

You're talking like you're forfeiting

EDIT: Why, of all the views, only 2 votes?
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Aug 22, 2015 3:52 PM #1398210
By the way, you forgot to make the polls public.
Shadowolf
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Aug 22, 2015 9:41 PM #1398271
I voted for Blake.
Why?

Well, Phe, your sentence was a bit choppy on occasion, and had many grammatical errors, but overall it was fun to read, interesting, coherent, and had a lovely (wow...I think that is the first time I have EVERY used that word...) plot twist at the end. For a first battle, I say (God bless us, every one!...no, that's not what I say) Excellent Work!!

Gamer, your work was merely an a back-forth conversation with a few action descriptors thrown in here and there. You introduced a ton of useless characters into the work. I think I said this on your last battle, but I'll say it again --- NO USELESS PEOPLE!! If they do not serve an IMPORTANT role in your work, then they should not be there. Occasionally mentioning minor chars to flesh out a scene is one thing, but that should only be a brief reference at most. You throw in characters like spices into a homemade salsa (I'm making fajitas tonight...if you couldn't tell...).

I counted NINE characters in your story, each with MULTIPLE speaking parts. You could have stuck with just you and your opponent comfortably.

I counted FORTY-ONE uses of the word "said" in your work. Most battles don't even have forty-one speaking parts. As a side note, even when you do have characters speaking (which is great...in moderation) avoid the bland "said" as much as possible. You did a little, but not enough. When well written, it is possible to avoid using any word whatsoever after a line, because the text will indicate who is speaking.

You intertwine two plots that are more-or-less unrelated. After a while, I began to wonder "Is there even going to be a battle?" It took you forever to even HINT that there would be a battle (in proportion to your story length).

Because you had a mind-blowing amount of convo, and because the convo was poorly executed at that, AND because there were way to many characters for the story, AND because of the extra (useless) plot work -- your story was choppy and hard to follow.


I write this with the best of intentions, and sincerely hope you heed my advice. If you like convo that much, take a look at my battle with Azure (and her battle with me) for a relatively convo heavy battle that is still well balanced.
TheChosenGamer
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Aug 22, 2015 11:34 PM #1398281
Quote from Shadowolf
I voted for Blake.
Why?

Well, Phe, your sentence was a bit choppy on occasion, and had many grammatical errors, but overall it was fun to read, interesting, coherent, and had a lovely (wow...I think that is the first time I have EVERY used that word...) plot twist at the end. For a first battle, I say (God bless us, every one!...no, that's not what I say) Excellent Work!!

Gamer, your work was merely an a back-forth conversation with a few action descriptors thrown in here and there. You introduced a ton of useless characters into the work. I think I said this on your last battle, but I'll say it again --- NO USELESS PEOPLE!! If they do not serve an IMPORTANT role in your work, then they should not be there. Occasionally mentioning minor chars to flesh out a scene is one thing, but that should only be a brief reference at most. You throw in characters like spices into a homemade salsa (I'm making fajitas tonight...if you couldn't tell...).

I counted NINE characters in your story, each with MULTIPLE speaking parts. You could have stuck with just you and your opponent comfortably.

I counted FORTY-ONE uses of the word "said" in your work. Most battles don't even have forty-one speaking parts. As a side note, even when you do have characters speaking (which is great...in moderation) avoid the bland "said" as much as possible. You did a little, but not enough. When well written, it is possible to avoid using any word whatsoever after a line, because the text will indicate who is speaking.

You intertwine two plots that are more-or-less unrelated. After a while, I began to wonder "Is there even going to be a battle?" It took you forever to even HINT that there would be a battle (in proportion to your story length).

Because you had a mind-blowing amount of convo, and because the convo was poorly executed at that, AND because there were way to many characters for the story, AND because of the extra (useless) plot work -- your story was choppy and hard to follow.


I write this with the best of intentions, and sincerely hope you heed my advice. If you like convo that much, take a look at my battle with Azure (and her battle with me) for a relatively convo heavy battle that is still well balanced.

Thanks for the criticism Shadow.
It's just that, I'm trying my best to put a story here, from my first battle with Azure, I remember someone saying that I should just not put a fight. I should also put a story. But, seems like I got carried away.

And...LoL Azure is a Her, I never even knew that

Oh, and one question, even if Pheb wins, her story make it look like I win, so whose point is that?
Ebehp
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Aug 23, 2015 8:54 AM #1398386
Quote from Shadowolf
I voted for Blake.
Why?

Well, Phe, your sentence was a bit choppy on occasion, and had many grammatical errors, but overall it was fun to read, interesting, coherent, and had a lovely (wow...I think that is the first time I have EVERY used that word...) plot twist at the end. For a first battle, I say (God bless us, every one!...no, that's not what I say) Excellent Work!!


Uhm. Wow. Thanks Shadow. Those points I'll definitely work on, tho it'll be tough cause I do my work on a tiny phone screen haaha.

Quote from TheChosenGamer
Thanks for the criticism Shadow.
It's just that, I'm trying my best to put a story here, from my first battle with Azure, I remember someone saying that I should just not put a fight. I should also put a story. But, seems like I got carried away.

And...LoL Azure is a Her, I never even knew that

Oh, and one question, even if Pheb wins, her story make it look like I win, so whose point is that?


I'm sure it doesn't matter. It just depends on the vote.
Shadowolf
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Aug 25, 2015 9:12 PM #1399178
Actually, I'm not entirely sure what gender Azure is. Azure comes off like a "her" though, so that's what I just presumed since I sorta have to use one gender or the other (unless Azure is one of those shemales...:p)
Azure
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Aug 25, 2015 9:13 PM #1399179
Wait, what? I'm a guy. ._.
Shadowolf
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Aug 25, 2015 9:18 PM #1399181
Quote from Azure
Wait, what? I'm a guy. ._.


O_o

Oh.

Well then.

(Are you sure?:p)
Ebehp
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Aug 26, 2015 7:16 AM #1399285
Quote from Shadowolf
O_o

Oh.

Well then.

(Are you sure?:p)
ahaha. I usually get mistaken as a guy. That's why I made my username sound more femalish. I dont understand why Azure is all about them dragons and then his wRHG isnt. xD

May the best... Writer... Win. Waht.. Pfft
PitchEnder
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Aug 26, 2015 6:56 PM #1399407
Quote from Shadowolf
Actually, I'm not entirely sure what gender Azure is. Azure comes off like a "her" though, so that's what I just presumed since I sorta have to use one gender or the other (unless Azure is one of those shemales...:p)


Isn't azure like... A black dude...how do I know this but you don't XD
Ebehp
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Aug 28, 2015 8:33 AM #1399856
Quote from PitchEnder
Isn't azure like... A black dude...how do I know this but you don't XD
this suddenly sprouts into a... A... I dont know how to call it. (Sit back and watch the shows gents. I'm pretty sure I'm the only female here rite about now.)

Hai Pitch. CnC?