Once again, we have Plant vs Animal, Flora vs Fauna, but this time, it's a battle between youths!

Ralic, Sakura Descendent

Leoncio the Beast

Kamiroo Wolf's Part
*Note: This was copied in the order of the PMs sent; if the order is messed up, Kamiroo, lemme know so I can fix it.
HIT, DON'T LET UP! WORK THAT LEFT, DAMNIT! LEFT!"

Sweat flies from Ralic's glistening forehead as the fat man roars, his fists hitting the trainer's covered palms in explosions matching the beat of his own heart. The big guy is good, but the way he barks ends up pissing Ralic off more than the actual training itself.

"THERE'S THAT LEFT! LET'S SEE SOME MORE HUSSLE! C'MON, WE'RE FAR FROM DONE!"

Ralic's next swing knocks the fat man back a little, sending the trainer staggering towards the edge of the square ring. Before he can follow up on the attack with a flying crescent kick, the large target taps his gloves to signal 'Time-out' and slumps into the ropes, using them as a makeshift seat.

“You may be good with that axe, kid, but you've gotta work on them hands if you want to get anywhere. And don't get angry just because I bark orders, for fuck's sake." Sighing, the trainer removes the pads from his hands and wipes away his own sweat with bare hands.

“That's what you're for, isn't it, Mr. Brown?" Ralic drops his stance and uses his gloves to wipe the sweat away, taking deep breaths to slow down his fleeing heartbeat. A couple drops of water and some rest later, Ralic is ready to start beating up on his lazy trainer once more. Unfortunately for his enthusiasm , the once famous boxer who had insisted on being the Descendant's mentor shows no signs of being ready to stand up.

“How in the Lord's name are you gonna get tired absorbing punches?! Get up, Mr. Brown, I don't wanna hog the ring all day." Ralic dances in place on his tip toes and raises an aggressive stance as Brown slowly rises to his wide feet. The big man huffs and puffs in the process of sliding the protective pads back on, but gets back into blocking stance once more despite the overwhelming amount of body odor and liquid congregating between his folds.

“I say let 'em wait, Ralic. You practically bought this place with the money you've raised from that last fight, anyway! And enough with the 'Mr. Brown' malarkey! You've given me a job when no one else would, and even watch my kids so that the Mrs. and I can get out more often! Shane is fine, and as far as I'm concerned, you're good people and alright with me."

Even though Shane's words put a wide yet honest grin on Ralic's face, the Descendant can't help but have second thoughts about this whole wRHG system. He regrets not sparing his first opponent, but the bloodshed helped win over the trust of the more notorious sections in the hood. Wishing Lien peace in eternal rest, Ralic raises his fists once more and strikes at Mr. Brown with newfound fervor and ferocity.

One by one, I will personally free the innocent incarcerated within the confines of organized crime. Not every gangster wants to be a gangster, and I will show them how much life really has to offer outside of gang violence. This will be my next move.[/I]

“WOAH! WHERE'S ALL THIS COMIN' FROM, KID?! GOOD HITS, GOOD HITS! TRANSITION FROM RIGHT TO LEFT, LET'S GO! WEAK JABS! C'MON! YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! THERE'S STILL A LOT OF WORK TO DO, KID!"

He's right.


Chained territorial bulldogs bark incessantly through waist-high chain fences at Ralic as he makes his way down the fractured sidewalk, street lights flickering on and off as his feet slide across the cement. Had he had a mother, her back would have been broken several times over at this rate, but Ralic keeps on walking. The smell of fire is almost as prominent as the scent of...no, not barbecue. Weed and cigarettes. The Descendant just sighs and keeps on walking through the foul air, making notes of all the barred windows and cracked rooftops, wincing at the brown, lifeless grass, and picking up knocked over metal trashcans. Every moment or so, rusty old cars rush down the street driven by struggling parents either leaving for their 2 o'clock morning work schedule or running from a life they know they cannot escape unless they face it head on.

Ralic's dark brown eyes are heavy, and the boy cannot wait to reach his studio apartment, but before he can turn onto the correct street a black van pulls up on the curb. Ralic leaps back away from the car, tossing aside the dull duffel bag he had been carrying and ripping his Sakura Axe from it's spot within his jacket, using the face of the weapon to shield his own. After a few moments of awkward stillness, Ralic slowly lowers his weapon to see the agent Eiyla standing before him with a confused expression.

“Why so jumpy? You'd think we were trying to kidnap you or something!" She giggles and pulls a document from the satchel beside her, presenting it as if Ralic's paycheck lie within.

“Damnit, Eiyla. You can't just ride up on people in this part of town! I thought this was a goddamn drive- er, never mind. What the hell do you want at this time of night?" The Descendant snaps, snatching the envelope from the beautiful blond agent before gingerly removing the information concealed within.

Leoncio, The Beast.

Ralic lowers the document with a suddenly exhausted expression and shuffles over towards his gym bag, retrieving it before thanking Eiyla and grimly wishing her a safe night. The agent nods and climbs back in her car, fully aware of how Ralic feels in this moment. But he asked for this., Eiyla shuts her crystalline sky blue eyes for a brief moment before pulling away from the Descendant and driving off into the moonlit night sky.

“The bloodshed continues."

Ralic's liquid chocolate eyes slosh back and forth as harsh sunlight brings him back to life within his studio apartment. Lying across the fresh and brand new leather couch adorning his relatively run down living room, Ralic snaps a couple joints and rises to his feet as his skin peels away from the material holding him against the couch.

Leather and sweat. Bad combo.[/]

The Descendant doesn't skip a beat. As if a rag doll, Ralic slings himself across the filthy apartment, stretching every limb possible as he makes his way towards the pearl colored fridge pinned helplessly at the edge of his one-person kitchen. Grape jelly. Next, the teen pivots around on the heels of his feet before flinging open a scratched wooden cabinet. Peanut butter. For the finale, Ralic skips over an untouched loaf of Great Value bread, licking his lips greedily as his hands rest on a pack of crackers.

The almighty God in heaven hath bestowed upon me a bountiful feast, and I shall indulge in his grace with graciousness unlike any he hath ever witnessed before. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

With the same precision in which Ralic wields his infamous Sakura Axe, the young master fails to falter as he spreads peanut butter and jelly across the bellies of two perfectly salted crackers. He can almost hear the angel's heavenly choir, their wings beating faster and faster as the crackers come in contact with his lips.

Crunch

In an instant, Ralic is met with the grace of his good Lord, nearly tearing up at the sensation of peanut butter, jelly, AND salt caressing his fragile earlybird tastebuds. Taking his time to eat, Ralic exits the kitchen and strolls over to his grey duffel bag, retrieving Leoncio's file from the confines of a week's worth of sweaty shirts. The Descendant finishes the last bite of his morning snack just as his steely brown eyes skim over the section circled with pink highlighter. It skips a beat, his heart, and Ralic will have to remind himself to thank Eiyla sincerely whenever he next sees her.

'Night Creatures, Leader.'

Ralic can not help but crack a creepily wide smile. He skims over the sweat-soaked paper one last time before slapping it on the hardwood coffee table and rushing his spotless bathroom, flipping on the shower with sudden drive.

An aspiring, young Gladiator looking to make his mark on the City...

“Not exactly uncommon, but appalling that anyone would ask for this..." The Jaguarandi absent-mindedly paws a torn verdant punching bag lying flat on its side along the base of the stagnant boxing gym's walls as trainers and trainees alike file out of the area. At the center of the tightly enclosed space, a square boxing ring meant for public spars and challenges sits unoccupied. That is, however, save for one individual standing in the center of it flailing his arms like a maniac.

“Sorry 'bout the wait, Leo. Meatheads always lookin' to get their 'roids worth, y'know?" Leoncio allows the remark an artificial smirk before returning to his exposed and leaky sandbag. Not much younger than himself, the Night Creature takes time observing his street clothed opponent, slightly unnerved by his nonchalant attitude and lack of caution. Speaking of which...

THUD

“Try not to die before you can explain yourself..." Leon sighs, rising to his feet and reaching his hand out to help up a fallen Ralic. His foot found itself caught on the boxing ring rope he had so stylishly attempted to vault over. Failure, of course. Ralic graciously accepts the aid and proceeds to thank Leoncio as he rubs any scratches or sweat puddle residue away from his complexion. The Axe nestled gently within his dull jacket is almost...breathing with energy and life and, for a moment, Leoncio swears he sees the rose bud tip open and close as if whispering advice into the Descendant's ears. Ralic notices Leoncio's glare and takes a step closer, allowing Leoncio to get a better look at the rose bud.

Within arms reach.

Leoncio's keen senses pick up the authentic scent of roses, his nose twitching at the delicate aroma.

“I don't get you, cat guy. Why would you even want to be part of a society you know you won't be fully accepted in? You could just live in isolation for the rest of your life and everyone else would be just fine. Happy, even! If it were me in your shoes, I mean...I'd just give up. Let the people keep their freakless city." The words slither from Ralic's tongue like venom, and they come out of nowhere. Leoncio takes a step back from the Descendant, confused and slightly averting the look in his eyes. He's serious.

“Wh-Where did that even-"

“Think about it: you're nothing but a monster trying to play the role of man. Your ambitions are farfetched and childish. Give up. Go home." Ralic takes a powerful step forward and takes a moment to let the echo ring throughout the gym. Before Leo even knows it, a tight fist has formed at his side.

“You don't understand, and I don't expect you to. The blood that runs through my veins is tainted and the beast within me is little more than an unholy curse on my soul. I must, at any cost necessary, excise this darkness from my being. Not only for societal acceptance, but for my own as well. Why did you summon me here, rich boy? And tell me before this gets violent." The Jaguarundi nearly has his fangs bared at the boy standing with confidence opposite to himself. His clawlike fingers open and close as Leo slowly counts to ten in his head.

“Perhaps, my dear leopard boy," Ralic rushes forward without restraint! As if a graceful rose petal being carried through a tranquil summer breeze, the Descendant wastes no time snatching Leoncio's dark brown headband clean off of the Jaguarandi's head, revealing the infamous pair of ears concealed beneath. “I just wanted to rid the world of one more monster myself!" Ralic follows up on the theft with palm to Leoncio's chest, sending the manbeast sliding back on the balls of his feet. His emerald eyes darken and his livid expression becomes more fearsome than it once was, but Leoncio refuses to allow the beast within to take control.

Om Shanti Inv-

“I REFUSE!" Ralic roars as he rips the axe from his jacket, charging Leoncio with the intent to harm blatant in his bold brown eyes. The cat leaps back, his fangs fully bare and eyes an undeniable gold as he swipes the air, launching an ethereal slash towards Ralic. A mere warning shot. Ralic, however, has no intention of dodging the strike and eats the claw beam without so much as losing momentum. With full force, the Descendant bashes Leoncio against the head with the blunt end of his axe. It's enough to send his opponent spiralling backward, but not enough the get the Jaguarandi airborne. Attempting to obtain balance, Leon shifts his feet with expertise, only to be met once more with Ralic's unrelenting force. Before he can collect his thought, Leo is on the ground and Ralic is on top.

“I'm not going to kill you! Stop squirming!" Ralic's hand finds itself tightly wrapped around Leon's throat, and the manbeast can barely process what is going on before a sharp pain stretches across his face. Ralic leaps off of Leon, narrowly dodging a would-have-been fatal swipe to the throat. The Jagurandi rises to his feet and attempts to chant his trademark mantra once more.

“Oohhhhh Sh-antehh..." A crimson liquid drips onto Leoncio's dull, white pants, and his golden eyes grow wide. Raising a hand to his suddenly numb mouth, Leoncio can feel blood escaping from the dissected corners of his mouth. He tries once more, but can barely pronounce the phrase required to sooth the beast within him.

That's right...just gimme the beast, Mufasa...[/I], Ralic wipes the blood away from his axe using his grey hoodie before raising the weapon, rose bud forward, aimed directly at Leoncio's blood stained hand and furious, rich eyes. “Let's begin."

The Jaguarandi makes the first move, spitting blood at Ralic's unsuspecting brown face before latching onto his weapon's rose and vaulting over the blade! Ralic responds, rearing his weapon back and placing it tightly against his body as Leoncio closes in for a full frontal strike at his attacker's jugular. Predictable precision from a monk. The Sakura Axe absorbs yet another blow and Ralic leaps back, leaving Leoncio time to shake the pain away from his hand; his rage only stacking. Ralic taunts, whistling as if calling a lost pet back into the house. Once more Leon takes the bait, seemingly too far gone to recognize Ralic's trap. Ralic steps into the Jaguarandi's charge, swinging his fist(rather than his weapon) in the direction of the beast's jaw.

I will have your blood! The beast within Leo roars, whipping under Ralic's predictable fist and wrapping his legs around the Descendant's arm before flipping the boy on his back. The impact knocks him out of his wits for a slender moment, but the window of time is just enough for Leoncio to land a good amount of furious swipes across whatever exposed skin Ralic has so carelessly displayed.

DIE!

Unable to roar the command himself, the beast that is now Leoncio only grows angrier when Ralic's senses snap back into focus. A good strike to the golden eye allows the Descendant to roll away from Leoncio and scramble to his feet before sliding up into the boxing ring through the ropes. The blood surfacing from Leoncio's deep lacerations is enough to make even Ralic shed a pain filled tear, but the adrenaline coursing throughout his body refuses to be put on hold.

Clawing through the freshly strung ring's ropes, the Jaguarandi doesn't take long to meet Ralic in the ring. Blood from Ralic's wounds begin to drop onto the blue stage, and the Descendant does his best to wipe away the crimson using his jacket once more. His muscles are tense and he can feel his brow twitching with jittery anticipation. He and the beast circle for quite some time, only stopping to attempt a flinch on one another.

“This sucks...I mean, really, Mufasa. You're already so much stron-" A ranged

@Azure: Oh man, such fight, very climax. Like, I was getting hyped, but then last minute Fist Full of Face syndrome hit Ralic hard. Honestly, Leoncio didn't really suffer any debilitating injuries (which I suppose is hard to excuse when your character doesn't magically heal, but still). There wasn't really much of a struggle with "I punched him in the face and he went sweepy time." It's anti-climatic, basically.

@Kamiroo Wolf: So, I will say the introduction of the coach as a character is excellent. You provide a real feel for the character and a very obvious personality. So, good work. Now, for Ralic's introspection, I didn't like how impersonal it felt with the coach. Like, the change in performance was good. But the "He's right" very much so made it feel like he ignored the man's presence. It should've had more relevance to the situation and seemed more personal, otherwise it comes off awkwardly flat like an old soda. So, instead say "Hmph, you're right, coach."
Capitalizing Descendant every time is kinda annoying. I know it's a title, but I don't capitalize the g in god when talking about Omega. Because Omega isn't OG God.

"The bloodshed continues"
One, what bloodshed? There was no emphasis of this before. Two, these moments of introspection don't seem relevant enough. It's like Samurai Champloo's erupt changes in scene with little explanation giving a weird yet seemingly unimportant feel. Like, did I need to read this to understand the story? Not really. Like, what's the relevance of this phrase to the character?

"(rather than his weapon)"
You assume your audience is children who think your characters fist is an axe. This is unnecessary.

All in all, your story placed emphasis on things that either didn't feel important, or were forced. You need to let it come more naturally, maybe give more description of his life that makes him care about the projects as opposed his PBJ (as great a section that was.)

While Ralic had his moments, he was choppy on certain parts. Azure stayed fairly consistent with pace and the sort overall, even if he did have an awful "climax."
Honestly though, they both had pretty dull endings. I can't be too nice.
But I will be nice to Azure, who deserves a vote.

Quote from Malacal

@Kamiroo Wolf: So, I will say the introduction of the coach as a character is excellent. You provide a real feel for the character and a very obvious personality. So, good work. Now, for Ralic's introspection, I didn't like how impersonal it felt with the coach. Like, the change in performance was good. But the "He's right" very much so made it feel like he ignored the man's presence. It should've had more relevance to the situation and seemed more personal, otherwise it comes off awkwardly flat like an old soda. So, instead say "Hmph, you're right, coach."
Capitalizing Descendant every time is kinda annoying. I know it's a title, but I don't capitalize the g in god when talking about Omega. Because Omega isn't OG God.

"The bloodshed continues"
One, what bloodshed? There was no emphasis of this before. Two, these moments of introspection don't seem relevant enough. It's like Samurai Champloo's erupt changes in scene with little explanation giving a weird yet seemingly unimportant feel. Like, did I need to read this to understand the story? Not really. Like, what's the relevance of this phrase to the character?

"(rather than his weapon)"
You assume your audience is children who think your characters fist is an axe. This is unnecessary.

All in all, your story placed emphasis on things that either didn't feel important, or were forced. You need to let it come more naturally, maybe give more description of his life that makes him care about the projects as opposed his PBJ (as great a section that was.)

Everything said here are things I can most certainly agree with. As I was reading my story over, extremely worried about how I was going to even stand a chance against someone as good as Azure, I too was looking at the parts you mentioned as well as a few other parts that were edited. I was either just too lazy to come up with something better, or the proper replacement for the phrase in question had eluded me at the time. I'll definitely take your advice to heart and keep it in mind for my next battle.

As for the constant capitalization on Descendant...I doubt it will ever change. I understand where you're coming from, and I will certainly try a bit harder to hold back on it in the future, but there is just this little nag(in the lack of a better word) at the back of my brain that won't let it go unpunished.

All in all, thanks for the review ^_^

Quote from Kamiroo Wolf

As I was reading my story over, extremely worried about how I was going to even stand a chance against someone as good as Azure

Sir, you deeply overestimate my abilities. Thank you, though. I haven't gotten a chance to read your story yet, since I'm still adapting to my new schedule, but I do plan to try for tomorrow since Mondays and Wednesdays should become my new weekends.

Quote from Kamiroo Wolf

As I was reading my story over, extremely worried about how I was going to even stand a chance against someone as good as Azure.

Quote from Kamiroo Wolf

I was either just too lazy to come up with something better, or the replacement for the phrase had eluded me at the time.

In order to walk you must learn how to crawl. Your piece is wrought with everyone's favorite noob mistake: Show Don't Tell.

Respectfully disagreeing with Malacal, your introduction was shallow at best. It haphazardly tries to quickly get characterization and personality---2 things that can make a plot great---out of the way, so everyone can enjoy the *ugh* Fight Scene that everyone came here to see. A fight scene is suppose to be meaningful if the readers can understand what's at stake. But if characterization is shallow then what's at stake is also shallow. It's "yet another win" for me, is basically what you're trying to convey; it bears no significant weight.

Quote from Show

Sweat flies from Ralic's glistening forehead as the fat man roars, his fists hitting the trainer's covered palms in explosions matching the beat of his own heart.

You start it out so well, showing us that Ralic is tired but passionate and willing to pursue his training.

Quote from Tell

The big guy is good, but the way he barks ends up pissing Ralic off more than the actual training itself.

Then it falls flat immediately after. We are only told the big guy is good. That Ralic is suddenly angry now. What.

How does that set the mood and define the character? WHY is he good? WHAT is Ralic pissed at exactly? Show us how the big guy is actually fending off the attacks with ease despite Ralic's heated perseverance. Show us how the sparring partner can easily see the hits coming. Show us Ralic's pent-up frustrations as he tries to do whatever it is his trainer is saying.

In fact, merely saying that Ralic's sparring partner is a "big guy" and a "large target" is lazy in itself. You should already have described this man's features from the get go. OR you should have already asked yourself what exactly is the focus on this intro and is this partner significant in any way. This thought process will go two ways:

a) If the fat sparring partner is significant enough to the story, then don't be lazy and size him up: describe his features, has he been working out lately? Is he clean shaven? Is he flabby, chubby, or rotund? Is he spry for his size? By getting the features right, you can then write a more competent spar scene because the readers will become more invested in what Ralic is up against and how he deals with it. There is simply so much more you can say than "big guy".

b) If the partner isn't significant enough, then you don't even need to describe him at all. Just focus on Ralic. How long has it been? Which muscles have been aching alot? What does the ring look like; is it messy and covered in sweat and blood? Is Ralic bouncing around the place or conserving his energy? Is he miffed from the taunts and training? What's going on in his mind as this scene pents him up?

c) Or Both.

Either way, you can wean so much from a scene by asking the right questions. Telling doesn't do that. Telling is like recounting a story to your friends when they ask you how your day was. Showing is when you're in a bar and everyone's gathered around you, interested in your recounting of a story about your day. When you wave your hands in the air, describing the giant whale you harpooned last summer and the audience 'oooohs' at it while following their gaze where your hand moves: When you've drawn a picture for your audience using the right words and descriptions and your audience can visualize that picture, you know you've done it right.

Quote from Hewitt

In order to walk you must learn how to crawl. Your piece is wrought with everyone's favorite noob mistake: Show Don't Tell.

Respectfully disagreeing with Malacal, your introduction was shallow at best. It haphazardly tries to quickly get characterization and personality---2 things that can make a plot great---out of the way, so everyone can enjoy the *ugh* Fight Scene that everyone came here to see. A fight scene is suppose to be meaningful if the readers can understand what's at stake. But if characterization is shallow then what's at stake is also shallow. It's "yet another win" for me, is basically what you're trying to convey; it bears no significant weight.



You start it out so well, showing us that Ralic is tired but passionate and willing to pursue his training.



Then it falls flat immediately after. We are only told the big guy is good. That Ralic is suddenly angry now. What.

How does that set the mood and define the character? WHY is he good? WHAT is Ralic pissed at exactly? Show us how the big guy is actually fending off the attacks with ease despite Ralic's heated perseverance. Show us how the sparring partner can easily see the hits coming. Show us Ralic's pent-up frustrations as he tries to do whatever it is his trainer is saying.

In fact, merely saying that Ralic's sparring partner is a "big guy" and a "large target" is lazy in itself. You should already have described this man's features from the get go. OR you should have already asked yourself what exactly is the focus on this intro and is this partner significant in any way. This thought process will go two ways:

a) If the fat sparring partner is significant enough to the story, then don't be lazy and size him up: describe his features, has he been working out lately? Is he clean shaven? Is he flabby, chubby, or rotund? Is he spry for his size? By getting the features right, you can then write a more competent spar scene because the readers will become more invested in what Ralic is up against and how he deals with it. There is simply so much more you can say than "big guy".

b) If the partner isn't significant enough, then you don't even need to describe him at all. Just focus on Ralic. How long has it been? Which muscles have been aching alot? What does the ring look like; is it messy and covered in sweat and blood? Is Ralic bouncing around the place or conserving his energy? Is he miffed from the taunts and training? What's going on in his mind as this scene pents him up?

c) Or Both.

Either way, you can wean so much from a scene by asking the right questions. Telling doesn't do that. Telling is like recounting a story to your friends when they ask you how your day was. Showing is when you're in a bar and everyone's gathered around you, interested in your recounting of a story about your day. When you wave your hands in the air, describing the giant whale you harpooned last summer and the audience 'oooohs' at it while looking at your hand: When you've drawn a picture for your audience using the right words and descriptions and your audience can visualize that picture, you know you've done it right.

I love everything about this. Thank you sincerely for your input! It definitely gives me a lot to think about, but I will be sure to show just how much this advice is sure to help me as well.

After my next battle I plan on retiring Ralic. Nothing personal, but there are just a few other characters I'd like to explore rather than forcing myself to write about the descendant(I do good Malacal? :D).

Looks like this battle will remain noncanon. It was fun, Kami, and I think you did a pretty decent job in characterizing Leoncio. I feel like, although I did represent Ralic as properly pissed at the Night Creatures, I didn't incorporate enough of his "playfulness," which is my own fault because I saw the whole "He becomes a monster when mad" on your profile and rolled with that. Totally my own fault, but ya know, that's just one of the things to work on: properly portraying others' characters. Again, thanks for the fun battle.

Quote from Azure

Looks like this battle will remain noncanon. It was fun, Kami, and I think you did a pretty decent job in characterizing Leoncio. I feel like, although I did represent Ralic as properly pissed at the Night Creatures, I didn't incorporate enough of his "playfulness," which is my own fault because I saw the whole "He becomes a monster when mad" on your profile and rolled with that. Totally my own fault, but ya know, that's just one of the things to work on: properly portraying others' characters. Again, thanks for the fun battle.

Indeed. Well played in all aspects, I look forward to battling you again.

That last second vote, though.

Huh. I... huh.

To be entirely blunt, I did not see that last vote coming. At all.

Acute like youuuu <3
:P

Quote from Malacal

Acute like youuuu <3
:P

Actually, the surprise last minute vote came from Exime.

huh... then that means they're out of order in the votes or something.
Whatever, she likes you anyways.

Alphabetical order, Mal. Alphabetical order.