Hey guys, will try to deliver some CnC.
Lets go with the Mercenaries first:
[spoiler=]
A bit of nitpick?
Spacing. You need to space the dialogue out. Granted it happens on the first part only which means you know of it but why leave the spacing out of the first part?
You also have a weird stray quotation mark. xD
“Ugh. I hope he’s not related to that Omega guy.” Catena grumbled. “Where is this… Gamma located at?” She continued. “Jackson street East is the last place he was seen” declared Shado. Catena’s mind drifted as she imagined all the great foods that could be purchased there. “What’s the reward?” Shado grinned. “Managed to get us 10 million each.” Catena spun around, startled. “T-t-ten million?!” Catena had not eaten too well in the last few days, and the thought of suddenly being a millionaire excited her. “Kiro did you hear that? 10 million! 10 million!” She proclaimed. Shado stood there, still grinning at her excitement. Kiro opened one eye, and mumbled, “Say that again?”
You could split up the dialougue between these people. From what I observe from novels (this may be wrong since I have not read ALL books) that most paragraphs will have only one person speaking in it, consisting of what happens during his speech, what he does and some reactive movements on the part of the other characters or environment. It can get confusing otherwise. Its like this: I'm reading person 1 talking then immediately move on to his next dialogue, only to realize after that dialogue is a tag that says its person 2. This makes me backtrack a bit to revisualize this dialogue said by person 2. If you do it by separating them into paragraphs, the separation allows the reader to wipe person 1's turn of dialogue out of his mind and grants the next (person 2) to speak without confusing him.
"...Lastly, I don’t smell a man at ease...his scent give every indication of one who was anticipating combat, though not anxious of any immediate threat. This is Shado, out.”
I believe this was taken with Shado having a glimpse of Gamma from the screen. So I am confused how he smells gamma's scent. Though this might just be entirely metaphorical and something sort of a lingo for him since he's a wolf but I doubt you can see that much from a cctv camera at that distance.
“Ten Million, you idiot!” Kiro sat up, now mildly interested.
No need to capitalize the 'million' part.
“Of course, 10 million probably means that the target will be very dangerous. We don’t know what to expect, so be on your guard.”
Keep it consistent. If you use 'ten million' use it here too but anyway while on the topic of numbers, it is better to word it out instead of using its numerical form.
“Alright.” Kiro glanced at Catena.
'Alright' is not the end of the sentence. 'Kiro glanced at Catena' is. Its: "Alright," Kiro glanced at Catena. But I think you know this already since I see most of the dialogue used correctly (and then some not). Proofread then?
I think there might be some formatting error? Was this taken from GDocs or copy pasted directly?
“Permission Acquired, Shado.” Kiro gritted his teeth.
I believe its 'permission granted' since Kiro is giving them permission and not the one recieving it.
“I’m in range.” She heard Shado grit his teeth.
I'm not sure how you could hear it unless she was real close or the microphone was very sensitive to it. I mean, it is kind of a weak click unless Shado used every available force for it slam it hard enough for her to hear. He might have smashed a few teeth if he did too. Just nitpicking.
It successfully worked, and the man back, surprised and disbalanced.
...and the man back? I'm confused. What does this mean?
Okie doke. Over all the story seemed alright. Though I felt the battle was a bit lacking, especially when Kiro and Gamma went in close. It needed a bit more suspense? The feel of danger wasn't there, it was as if you were telling instead of showing. I suspect it was Gamma himself that set them up, trying to test the Mercenaries but I could be wrong.
There are things that this piece could use some work on. The plot itself was okay, I mean its kind of out there to have the target of the protagonists turn it around, making them the prey instead of predator. All good and stuff. Transitions were a bit weird because of the spacing and dialogue confusion. Combat could be improved too in terms of its overall goodness. Some say story MUST come with wRHG battles because of its 'w' component but its also needs the 'RHG' component. The fight must be good too.
It needs improvement but its in the right direction. Kudos to you guys for this piece, its good.
[/spoiler]
Now for Vern:
[spoiler=]
For a bit of nitpick:
He had no time to see whether it had hit or not, all he could do was make a run for the building. The door was but a few meters away but he could hear gunshots in the distance already, soon followed by the rumbling that signified the eruption of the chains. None of it managed to hit him, however, and with a mighty blow of his shoulder the old, rusty door flew out of its hinges and clattered against the building’s cold, concrete floor.
The interior was surprisingly well lit, only now did he see the great rows of windows near the building’s roof. But now was not the time to inspect the surroundings. His pursuer could be here any moment now and he had to buy himself more time until he’d know what he’s up against.
His eyes darted around searching for something, anything, to help him, and stopped when they saw one of the many rusty iron rods lying around. In a matter of seconds he retrieved the thing and blocked the door. He had barely finished before he heard the bang of someone trying to breach the door like he had. Fortunately, this one wasn’t as successful as he had been.
All I imagine are iron rods blocking the doorframe. The door is currently lying on the concrete floor right? Nothing is said he that he was able to place the door back in its place and lock it with the rods. Anyways, moving on.
Most importantly, however, what else was chasing him?
I feel as if this is a weird statement. He kind of told himself that the lycan is tied to the chains and his engine melting. I think the correct statement would have been: Was there anyone else? I dunno. He knows only one currently chasing him and ties all the powers to that one guy, saying 'what else was chasing him' implies he saw another person alongside the lycan which in the previous moments, he didn't.
Her head was still spinning and a terrible headache had now taken the place of the sneering pain that had been shooting through the side of her head ; She was suffering from a concussion, and she couldn’t focus.
No need to capitalize the first word after the semi-colon.
With a flick of her hand, countless slithery metal chains sprouted from the ceiling, stopping just before hitting the ground, simply dangling up in the air instead. And yes, but a few seconds later her plan paid off as she heard the chains rustling to her far left. In an instant sharp, thin chains shot from everywhere where the sound originated, trapping anything nearby like a spring trap.
...and yes what? I feel as if its not supposed to be there. Like it serves no purpose or there was supposedly something before the 'but' that would make the 'and yes' part right? It just leaves my confused is all.
In a bloody pulp they digged their way right through Gamma’s hand and sent his weapon flying.
I don't think you meant it like this but its as if Shado's bullets were 'in a bloody pulp' and then digged their way through Gamma's hand. Like, it came out of the barrel with flesh coated around it.
Alrighty then.
All in all, wonderful piece. It has enough action to keep you on your toes and done with good vocabulary. The length isn't really daunting for me, since it was paced well and done right. Long battles are okay as long as they give the reader a good time which is what this did. There are the small plot holes like I've said above, but overlooking them the story is fine. It is sort of similar with the mercenaries but you guys could have collaborated on what type of setting there should be.
Good job, Vern.
[/spoiler]