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80:6 vs Time Hunter Levi

Started by: The Organization | Replies: 7 | Views: 1,918

The Organization
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Dec 20, 2015 8:20 AM #1424213
Image
Deadline: 12/19/2015
Specifications:
750 word minimum, no maximum
Combatants:
Time Hunter Levi Magnus Strider
80: 6 (Paige Joshi)

IgnusBurns
"Vs. Six" (Click to Show)

[/spoiler]
The Organization[spoiler="Vs. Levi"]Zero One:

The horizon lit up in a blaze as the Sun touched down, its bright glare dancing across the shimmering water. In its restlessness, the ocean stole the golden sand away from her bare feat, futilely trying to draw her in. As the wind began to pick up, kicking the waves up behind its heels, the woman’s grey cloak danced. Her blonde hair mostly wrapped into a ponytail, an incessant habit of hers, gently swayed in the breeze as well. Her violet eyes vacantly starred across the horizon, perhaps searching for something.

Kept you waiting, huh?

Turning around, she was met with a dark, hooded figure, the dim light of the sunset was only bright enough to light up her lips, full yet pale, as though all the blood had drained from her face. Deliberately, she held her hood down, bracing against the ceaseless wind.

“I’d prefer it if we spoke aloud.”

“Most people do…it’s quite troubling.”

“What would be troubling is if you woke the others up.”

The shadowy woman held her cloak and curtsied, “Milady.”

The blonde woman grimaced in annoyance, “Raise your head One, I’ve no time for your games.”

The shadow snickered as the woman turned back to the sea. The horizon was a brilliant lilac now with bright pink brush strokes streaking across it. “You used to, Acel.”

The woman was quick to correct her, “Cecilia.”

“Old habits die hard,” she conceded, poking fun at a certain choice of hairstyle, “Why did you summon me…Cecilia?”

Ignoring the snide comment, the woman brushed an errant blond strand from her face before answering. “You recently recruited a new Six…do you think this one is strong enough?”

“She’s talented, but it’s obvious she’s nowhere close to where we…where you need her to be.”

Cecilia knelt down as the golden crown of the sun was swallowed by the depths, grasping the cold white sand in her palms.

“How long?”

One pondered for but a moment, she didn’t want to underestimate her new recruit but forgoing her answer longer than necessary was not an option with regards to Cecelia.

“A year at most perhaps…”

Cecelia closed her fist and a disturbing crackling noise filled the air. As though she were a ventriloquist, her reply seemed disembodied, resonating with and yet splitting the air around her.

“That’s too long, One.”

Immediately, One dropped to her knees and bowed her head, “She’s only human, Milady! Any more could kill-“

In an instant, Cecelia was gone from the water’s edge and standing over One, her free hand wrapped around One’s throat. With that single hand, she effortless pulled her up, her eyes glowing golden.

“If she’s not ready in time, I’ll kill her myself.”

She dropped her and One collapsed to the ground, gasping for air. Cecelia did not even pay her another glance and began to walk away, dropping a small clear crystal on the ground.

“I expect to hear from you tomorrow One, I hear she has a fight tomorrow!” she called out as she left.

As the moon began to take its seat in the center of the night sky, its light became scatter across the moonlit beach by the gem of crystalized sand.


Four:

“Gah! This is totally hell!” whined Four as the relentless sun beat down her umbrella. She always preferred the cool, dark solitude of her inner sanctum, only lit by the soft dim light of computer monitors. Instead of the raucous waves assaulting her delicate ears as the crashed upon the cruel sand, she would rather be lulled to sleep by the silent whir of fans and clicks of hard drives being read. Truly, Pleasant Beach was a terrible destination.

“It’s not that hot all,” grumbled Six bored out of her mind, “It’s probably cause you’re wearing that silly dress.

“What would you know you stupid normalfag?! I’ll have you know this is top of the attire direct from France. I always where this set whenever I go out!”

“Normal- what?”

A tap on the shoulder prompted Six to turn back. Startled, she instinctively step back, the face of Four’s bland, uninspiring manservant, Wooster, greeted her.

“Please avoid discussing Miss’s garments and wardrobe. Despite rarely leaving the flat, she is very well versed in her knowledge and awareness of French and Japanese fashion trends. She takes great pride in it,” he pleaded.

Six rolled her eyes and folded her arms, her black scarf dancing to the tune of the serene wind.

“They’re here…” she remarked, completely ignoring Wooster.

A floating long haired woman surrounded by chains constantly streaming around her had reached the beach and begun to approach them. As she came closer, Six began to feel her blood boil with excitement. She could feel a radiant aura of power emanating from the chained woman, she was strong and she made no attempts to hide it. Behind her was a blonde boy with glasses who wasn’t really notable in anyway, Six paid him no mind.

“Maybe, this wasn’t a complete waste of time after all.”

Closer now, the silver haired woman softly floated to the ground, not a grain of sand shifting as she touched down. Her accomplice, a little ways back, rushed to catch up. Arms folded as well, she began to size Six up. Six shook with excitement as she felt the woman’s eyes brush up against her body.

“This shouldn’t take long.”

For a second, Six was taken a back. Was she being underestimated?

“HUH! You think you can take me just cause you float around?!”

The lady of chains widened her eyes in confusion. Suddenly, Six doubled back, clutching her sides. She tried to protest, but she had to catch her breath first.

“Deam Catena I presume? Sorry about my kid’s outburst, she’s really new to the whole thing,” apologized Four.

Despite not being very strong, Four’s punch completely caught Six off-guard, winding her for a crucial moment. Catena chuckled and shook Four’s outstretched hand.

“I am only here observe this young man fight. He wants to join our clan,” she revealed.

“Him…Really?” Six complained, still gasping for air.

“You didn’t read the dossier I gave you did you?” Four chuckled and then turned around signaling Wooster. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” she mocked as she walked to viewing benches.


Six:

Six was visibly displeased. Instead of fighting the chained witch, she had to play with this smiling idiot. Although, he didn’t look nearly as boring as Wooster, he still looked like a regular chump. Her old sensei, a terrible old fool, warned her to never underestimate her opponents, but he was probably dead in a ditch somewhere. Confidently, Six held up her hand fingers outstretched.

“This is how long this fight’s going to last. It’ll only take five minutes. You here?”

“Really now,” he joked, “I’m not sure you’ve got what it takes kid, I’m pretty strong ya know?”

This guy’s optimism was starting to become grating. “The name’s Levi, Levi Magnus Strider. What’s yours?”

“Tell you what if you manage to live to tell the tale, I tell you my name. Hell, I’ll even give you my number, you worthless maggot.”

Levi chuckled brushing his messy blonde hair back.

“You sure talk a big game, but let’s make this fight more interesting. If I win, you have to go on a date with me.”

“Ok,” scoffed Six, “A deal then.”

Levi took his glasses off and polished them with his sword. “You really don’t want anything, if you win?”

“What can a dead man give me?” Six asked, cracking her fists.
“Fair enough, but this won’t be as easy as you think.” As Levi took his stance, Six felt
IgnusBurns
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Dec 20, 2015 3:46 PM #1424261
Well, here we go. CnC for Org? I got nothing... Your buildup to the fight was very well written, as was the fight.
This was my first wRHG battle, so please don't hate, I tried my best, but I get the feeling I'm going to lose. XD
Anyway, nice job Organization! Your story was very well written and I enjoyed battling you!
Also, I liked the ending to your fight, very clever.
Malacal
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Dec 21, 2015 2:50 AM #1424436
the first story (Click to Show)

When I'm not at a family gathering I'll read Org's
Org's CnC (Click to Show)


While Ignus had some very awkward and dumb moments in his writing, it was overall decent. The Org's story felt flat and had unholy amounts of pointless pointless dialog to bog me down. Ignus' fight was also more entertaining to play out in my head.
So for what is probably the first time ever in a Vet vs. New guy battle, I'm voting for the new guy.
The Organization
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Dec 23, 2015 8:58 AM #1424948
“In Response to Malacal“ (Click to Show)

I don't agree with your assessment, but it does point out some major deficiencies that I had. Thanks for the CNC.

@Those who voted, but did not post
PLEASE give a reason why you voted the way you did even if you can't give a "proper" CNC. Its necessary for our growth as writers.
Canis Majoris
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Dec 23, 2015 2:35 PM #1424968
It's*
For me, Org's story felt a bit more fluid when it came to the battle. The story leading up to it wasn't as memorable as Ignus's, but the former's battle got me on the edge of my seat a bit more. The latter's battle was hard for me to play out in my head. Therefore, I gave out my vote to Org. But keep at it, both of you, though short, both of your stories were entertaining.
Malacal
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Dec 23, 2015 4:00 PM #1424978
Dangit, I hate when people respond to my CnC instead of silently thinking that I'm wrong, it means I have to respond.
Okay, you have breaks in dialog and some examples in the story are actually really good. However, alot of times the breaks don't really amount to anything at all. Especially when you attempt to get into a a characters thoughts. In fact, let's make another sin.
Sin V
You often times have moments, especially in the middle of dialog, where you say the character is confused. Or maybe they're finding another person's actions grating. But, there is an extreme lack of introspection. What are the character's thoughts? Sure she's confused, and it's sometimes very clear why, but how about have sections in between dialog explaining how... oh fuck it, I can't tell people how to improve, I can only tell them how they're wrong. Basically, explore the characters thoughts and not the emotion. It creates more of that "Show, don't tell" thing they teach you at school. If you read the Dresden Files, they're a great example of going in depth with how the character is thinking and his emotions just carry right along with it naturally.

In response to your response to Sin II. Use a different word then. Ancient, crotchety, senile, curmudgeonly, etc.

And on Sin IV, how is that not a JRPG? When I say back and forth I mean they fight like it's a turn based combat. Maybe sometimes they skip turns in order to prepare defensive actions, but it's still "Blegh does X, it's not very effective" and then "Blub does Y, it's not very effective" and then the fights moves on to later have critical super effective hits.
The fight is just kinda... flat. I will admit I got bored and missed the sand interactions, but what about running for tactical positions, working from debilitating injuries, just... something to make the individual attacks mean more.
The Organization
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Dec 23, 2015 5:22 PM #1424986
Quote from Canis Majoris
It's*
The story leading up to it wasn't as memorable as Ignus's, but the former's battle got me on the edge of my seat a bit more.

Chp 1 or 2? I intended chp 1 to describe the beach and provide additional context for Six, while chp 2 establishes why she fights the way she does in chp 3
Quote from Malacal
Dangit, I hate when people respond to my CnC instead of silently thinking that I'm wrong, it means I have to respond.
;)
Okay, you have breaks in dialog and some examples in the story are actually really good. However, alot of times the breaks don't really amount to anything at all. Especially when you attempt to get into a a characters thoughts. In fact, let's make another sin.
Sin V
I agree w/ this but not on replacing emotions with thoughts but by showing or elaborating more on reactions like this "The lady of chains widened her eyes" instead of this "...in confusion"

And on Sin IV, how is that not a JRPG? When I say back and forth I mean they fight like it's a turn based combat. Maybe sometimes they skip turns in order to prepare defensive actions, but it's still "Blegh does X, it's not very effective" and then "Blub does Y, it's not very effective" and then the fights moves on to later have critical super effective hits.
The fight is just kinda... flat. I will admit I got bored and missed the sand interactions, but what about running for tactical positions, working from debilitating injuries, just... something to make the individual attacks mean more.
I cant help it if you didnt like the fight, but I still can't see how its JRPGish or formulaic, some examples perhaps?Granted Six is using Basic attacks until the end, when the "critical super effective" is just the addition of martial arts technique is the only difference, I fail to see how any attack is "not effective". Even with Levi, the only 4 hits he landed wounded Six significantly.

Levi relies on smoke for the second half b/c he's physically hurt/exhausted, is that not working from debilitating injuries?

I will admit the Beach was chosen for simplicities sake, no places to hide or get a tactical advg, but even then it wouldnt make sense considering either characters motivations and conditions.

Six wanted to end the fight quickly and was using brute force, the only time she would prioritize positioning is when dodging projectiles, which she did.

By the time Levi realizes he needs a tactical advg, he couldnt have moved into one if he tried. He creates one using his smoke to keep her at range.


If I seem defensive, I apologize. I'm not saying you're wrong I'm just trying to work out how my text leads to that conclusion
Draou
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Dec 23, 2015 6:01 PM #1424992
Dang, both of yours were awesome, but I just gotta give my vote to Organization... that fight was just absolutely fantastic. Ignus had a really really good story that fit well together, but Organization had some amazingly striking points that bumped it up for it slightly. This makes me want to make a wRHG... XD . Nice job guys.
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