I may have let it slip that I was sparring with a giant hamster. Story behind this is Lobotomizer ended up agreeing to fight my character provided that instead of us using Kalena, we used a character called Hamsuke. I would advise everyone to do their own research on Hamsuke before reading these, because as I very quickly discovered, Hamsuke is one crafty "little" "hamster."

Just googling Hamsuke would be a great place to start. As for Dante, here is his profile.

The stories are listed below. I got a few laughs out of both of them. This was fun to do.

A poll was requested. Vote however you see fit.

nd austrian region, a certain legend was born. Inhabiting large swathes of forests where it was rarely seen, a creature that could be said to be a natural disaster to the residing folk in the region. Elusive, yet peaceful unless its territories were encroached, it became a target of various explanations as to its presence, the most spoken of which was that it was a neutral guardian that only served its purpose.

It became known as the Virtuous King of the Forest.

And for the man who had intended to cut through the land seeking a certain lead, it almost certainly seemed like he had truly landed himself in the worst of situations. Almost, if he could even bring himself to believe what he had encountered.

Standing upright at nearly thrice the height of a man, what towered above him was none other than a gigantic djungarian hamster.

There was a momentary pause as Dante Rockwell rubbed his eyes and, when that failed to change his vision, roughly pinched his own cheek until he swore his skin would be torn off.

Yet the scene before him did not change. It really looked like an enormous hamster save for the cyan sigils that seem etched around its body, and it would have looked adorable if it wasn’t sizable enough to crush him under its own weight.

And then, there came the moment where he truly thought he had become insane.

“I see thy being hath intruded upon the lands of this great Virtuous King of the Forest. This one can only see it as a challenge to one’s sovereignty!”

It spoke in archaic english. Not only was it speaking english in an italian region, but Dante swore the archaism was fake. Was this…*thing* putting on airs?

“What are y-...no, no.”

Scarcely a moment after he opened his mouth did he clamp it down again. No, this was no time to be surprised. Instead he put on the widest of false smiles, and spoke in what he perceived to be a friendly and approachable tone. “My apologies, good King of the Forest. I was only searching for something, and taking a quick cut through. If it pleases you I’ll be gone as quickly as possible.

The hamster sniffs the air briefly, then looks toward him with its rounded black eyes. “Art thou constipated? Thy expression betrays it.”

His smile faded.

“Even so! This Virtuous King of the Forest, Hamsuke, hath marked this territory long ago, and intruding upon such is a clear slight upon mine honor!”

The hamster, Hamsuke, continued on in its self absorbed dialogue, but Dante was stunned. Hamsuke? What sort of naming sense did this hamster have? Yet the seemingly discerning eyes of Hamsuke broke him from his stupor, and he racked his brains for a solution. No matter what he had no intention of fighting this hamster; not only would it be dangerous, but it would also be borderline animal abuse.

“Surely the Virtuous King of the Forest is befitting of their name...” He began slowly.

“Thou art smart to realise such!” Hamsuke puffs its cheeks out in a rather endearing motion.

“...and for one as virtuous as yourself, surely attacking a bystander is nothing short of a stain on your honor?”

Hamsuke froze, and inwardly Dante punched the air. No matter if this hamster could talk and reached four metres in height, it was still a hamster dumb enough to outsmart.

“Thou art right, but this one sees you are quite capable of defending yourself. Thou shalt see no quarter from this one!”

It was Dante’s turn to freeze. This hamster...it knew. Was he really supposed to fight against this behemoth of fluff? He took a second glance at his would be enemy, taking the time to analyse it. Hamsuke’s limbs were short and stubby as any other hamster, but his claws appeared to be disproportionately long, and quick lunge might be the end of him even if he kept his distance. Then the other option, taking advantage of the dense forest that will no doubt block Hamsuke from freely pursuing him. With those risks in mind, he took the one that seemed it would end with the least injury; he turned tail and ran.

He swung past the undergrowth and low cutting foliage, weaving left and right through the packed trees in a bid to put as many of them between him and the hamster. All seemed fine, but his gut told him otherwise. That sixth sense that he had acquired as someone seasoned in battle told him he had made the wrong decision.

The cracking of wood was the first physical sign that echoed this sentiment.

Throwing his head back he saw a monster ball of fur charging down towards him at a terrifying speed, made easier by the slight downward incline of the terrain. Whatever trees he had put between them were snapped from their bases as if they were no more than toothpicks, and there would be little more than ten seconds or so before the rodent squashed him flat; a fate that would have awaited him had he not realised his folly earlier.

He was convinced there would be no chance to flee. Instead he first pulled off his gloves, unceremoniously throwing them to the side, and kicked off to his left, just enough to clear away from the path of impending destruction. With his forearms charged and ready, he unleashed two blasts of pure air pressure, the result of which was strong enough to knock the gigantuan rolling ball over and into a group of trees with a satisfying crack.

“This is insane.” Dante muttered under his breath. This hamster was seriously trying to turn him to gingerbread, even when the festive season had already passed. What sort of nightmare was this?

But he did not relent, dashing towards his fallen opponent with practiced footwork, but it was mere seconds before he saw something move.

The tail.

He leapt up, just as a grey whip flashed under him. In an instant he felt a searing pain in his left foot, and then his side as he fell onto the ground, clutching his leg with shallow, rapid breaths of agony.

Hamsuke had swung its tail under him, and his ill timed jump led his foot to get caught by the whip like attack. Rather than a fragile length of bones and muscle, it felt as if he had been hit by a length of steel. It was this time, in his pain filled mind, that he realised just what sort of predicament he had found himself in.

Still his battle hardened self kicked in, and biting away the pain he quickly checked his injuries. It must have been a glancing blow that struck the side of his foot, hard enough to spain the ankle and probably cause a few bruises. It was nothing life threatening, but he understood with dread that he would become a sitting duck from this point onward, and that should he take a second swipe to the torso, it would be the absolute end of him.

“Thou fight well. Thou shalt be a most excellent opponent for this one!”

Hamsuke had righted itself up, and stared at Dante with what he interpreted as a smirk. Behind it swayed its tail, moving side to side as if it were an independent entity on its own. The hamster was patient; it clearly deduced he would be incapable of movement.

Dante grimaced, but there was a glimmer of hope in his heart. Hamsuke’s confidence clearly meant it did not know his arsenal, and assumed he fought entirely in melee. A reasonable assumption given his appearance, and he knew it was something he had to take advantage of. Yet at the same time the concussive blasts, even on full power, would clearly not work unless he struck this monster squarely within close range. So what, then?

“You’ve done enough, great king,” he intoned, dropping down on one knee.“You and I know that this duel is over. I humbly ask for mercy.”
“Thou…!” Hamsuke seemed to frown, for what emotions a hamster could possibly make with its face. “Thou knoweth this was a battle to the death! If thou shalt disgrace themselves like this, then this one shalt end it in one blow!”

It was a clear insult, but Dante had intended this way. Hamsuke lunged towards him. It would have done so, for it would not simply let it end by flattening him with its tail after such a slight. He kicked off to the side with the one leg that was uninjured, and rolled away from the attack. At the same time he aimed his wrists at the general direction of his opponent, releasing kilowatts of light that would have blinded himself had he not wisely closed his eyes beforehand. A pained screech filled the air, just as he got back onto his feet.

His vision was obscured by faint, coloured images that floated about the landscape. Something about over-stimulating the cells in the eye that receive light, he mused. Still, Hamsuke’s giant body couldn’t be missed even with his cloudy vision. It had fallen a little ways away on its back, making several more cries as it desperately pawed at its eyes.

He grinned, limping after it with somewhat pained but determined steps. A thought popped in his mind, that he could have done this earlier when he fled, like a flashbang of sorts, but he dismissed it; he had won, and that was all it mattered.

He was within almost kissing distance, his arm cannons had charged up fully, and this time he would not fail to knock out this giant hamster, either unconscious or dead. There is some apprehension for the latter, but he steeled himself thinking that he could not risk it; this was his life on the line.

And then the unexpected happened.

All he saw was his vision obscured in grey, and then nothing, as Hamsuke rolled to his side and over him. First a soft fluffy sensation, and then an agonising pain as several hundreds of kilos rested their mass on his comparatively frail frame.

It was over before he had known it.

+

“Hamsuke? Hamsuke…!”

In the deeper part of the woods, where a wave of destruction had taken place in the form of crushed trees and displaced undergrowth, a little girl dashed through its wake, calling away with her hands encircled around her mouth. Though her appearance seemed to imply a young age, she bore clothing that seemed completely disparate from what would be expected of her age. An elaborate capelet cut in velvet, tied over a thin yet elaborate dress dyed in a sunny colours that contrasted with her dark gloves and kneesocks. Even her hair, too, was different, for it was a light silver that shone white under the rays of the sun that broke through the clearing of toppled trees.

“Hamsu...oh! There you are!”

She trotted after a smudge of grey in the distance, weaving through the uneven landscape with nary a break in her pace til she could see the eyes of her beloved pet: Hamsuke.

The giant djungarian hamster seemed to have a wincing expression, as if in pain, or perhaps that of effort, but it quickly passed into what appeared to be relief. A pungent smell began to waft through the air.

“What are you doing?” The girl tilted her head, and that was when Hamsuke jolted into attention.

“M-Milady! This one was simply performing a burial for a worthy foe!”

“A burial?”

She spun around the hamster and to the back, where a certain man laid with his expression frozen in pain. But that same expression quickly changed to that of disgust and seemed clear that
he, even in unconscious state, must have been hit by the same smell. It was that of hamster dung, conveniently burying most of his body save his face; an act of mercy.

Unexpectedly, the girl laughed. A joyous laughter reminiscent of the pleasant chiming of miniature bells. She laughed until she could laugh no more, and even then she giggled mutely until what seemed like a full half minute.

“Milady? Art thou fine?”

“Ahah...yes, well…” she finally stopped at the words of Hamsuke, and clasped her hands together. “He’s still alive, so let’s take him back, shall we?”

“But Milady, this man had the nerve to trespass this land, this one, Hamsuke, cannot forgive him!”

“Forgive and forget, Hamsuke, forgive and forget.” The girl waved a hand dismissively. “Dig him out, won’t you?”

There is a momentary disapproving whine, but Hamsuke obliged, and no sooner a minute passed did it pull out its victim with its mouth. It clearly did not enjoy tasting no smelling its own excretion, but its master simply admonished him, plainly stating it was its fault for pulling such a prank in the first place.

“Now.” A small grunt came from her lips as she hauled herself atop Hamsuke. She was smiling, as she had been since she arrived, but now it had widened almost to the point of showing her teeth.

“Let’s go!”[/spoiler]
ow you felt?
I don’t.

But I know how I feel about them now.
They’re fucking evil.
Literally the worst.

Especially the giant ones.
Particularly Hamsuke.

He seemed like such a nice, wise, beautiful and elegant creature.
But he’s a total dick.

When I first encountered Hamsuke, he had this charm about him. This aura.
He was… literally the cutest oversized tailed hamster I’d ever seen in my life.

But now I’m on the ground, bawling my eyes out.
Because he hit me.

“Why would you hit me?!” I wailed, “I just wanted to pet you!”

“I am not your pet.” Hamsuke declared, “I am the master of the forest and no creature in it shall lower me to subservience![/i]

“Look man,” I fumbled, backpedaling, “I just thought you-“
“I am no man,” the rodent seethed, “I am Hamsuke, Master of the Forest and you, little ape, will bow before me.”

Having watched both “The Last Crusade” and “Return of the King”, I fell to the floor.

And so Hamsuke’s 20ft tail breezed over me with the first sweep. And, sensing a follow-up, I clamored backwards into a tree. I was, indeed, in a forest- near Toronto, so you bet it was cold. I wouldn’t say I knew it well, but I was guessing giant hamsters were a new phenomena.
Hamsuke’s first attack had compelled me away from him, but into an obstacle. Now I was at range, but with my eyes on his tail. He flicked it, attracting my attention, but the motions were off. I looked down to see that the Master of the Forest was charging me, claws first, with momentum that could not be deferred. I threw myself to the left as Hamsuke veered into the tree. Desperately, I reached for my knife, and moved to flip it open.

Too late. My knife was a balisong- butterfly knife; flashy, diamond-edged of course, but slow to arm.

It slipped out of my reach as Hamsuke’s tail coiled around my leg. Within a blink of an eye, I was head over heels, heels over head, dangling in front of Hamsuke’s beady eyes.

“I’ve heard tales of you, Dante Rockwell.” Hamsuke breathed into me, “As I have heard tales of all who tread upon these forests.”

I knew what I had to do. All I had left were my hands, augmented to expel waves of light, sound, and pressure. I was close, close enough to use it.

Too late. Hamsuke flung me to the ground. Hard.

“Your tale was most disappointing of all,” Hamsuke quelled.

I couldn’t see.
I couldn’t fucking see.

Oh God.

I felt myself scream. For a moment I couldn’t even hear it. My ears were jarred. My hands were steel. My sense of balance was lost. For one terrifying, drawn-out moment, all I felt was pain.

Then I fucking lost it. Everything was funny, I felt the ground with my face and I pushed myself off the ground. I twisted in the air, and fell on my stomach. I felt a cracked rib and I laughed even harder. I got to my feet, then I coughed, expanding my diaphragm and gripping the fragmented area with my trusty cybernetic fingerpieces.

“So that’s-“ I stooped over, piecing the shattered rib together like a