Alright...
So I've gotten around to CnCing SaulMurphy. I'm assuming he's won at this point, unless suddenly 3 people pop up and love my work.
Soo....
Overall, I like the whole plot. You're obviously a talented writer, so I'm really not going to bother going through that kind of muck just to point out a few mistypes/errors that you had...particularly considering I do the same thing myself, and so does everyone else I know.
My main critique:
It feels like you didn't really read much about my char. Whether intentional or not, you convey the idea that you really didn't care much about the battle -- all you wanted was to write about your character's new evolution.
Here's some examples:
1) Conversation. Dr. MacBeth (in your story) is talking sarcastically and demeaningly, using pet names and the like. Quite frankly, in your story David talks like Altaer, not David. In all of my stories I emphasis that David is extremely polished, refined, unflappable, and ever the professional. Not stilted like George Prince, but pretty close. You write him like some arrogant comic-book villain. You did not read much about David, obviously.
2) Powers. You write David generating two dumb Reflections...in short, his original powers. I CLEARLY state in his profile that his original powers are no longer valid -- his Reflection powers have changed (he generates one Reflection of any being within his line of sight including himself...this being is a perfect sentient replica of the original being except for being David's servant). Moreover, I have displayed his new powers in my last battle as well as my last several Olit works. Again, clearly you did not read either David's powers or any recent battles to see what he was like.
3) Combat. You did good indicating how skilled David was, but then you combine it with the tactical skills of a child. David has lived 120 years or so, been in numerous WARS, espionage, undercover work, etc as well as a number of RHG battles now. So why the hell did a fucking pigeon distract him?! This is an extremely lethal veteran soldier here...PIGEONS FLYING IN WINDOWS do no distract him. Secondly, you act like he intended to kill Prince. Now, I'm choosing to say that he DIDN'T want to kill Prince. Why? Because if David wanted to kill Prince, why try to choke him to death instead of using a single slash of a knife OR some of his medical/chemical gear he always carries (which you did not use at all) and is a large part of his character design.
I don't mind losing to you because you're a good writer. But I would have appreciated a bit more effort on your part to at least represent my character to be...well...my character. When/if this becomes canon, I'm going to have to ask you permission to edit it a bit to reflect David instead of random-doctor-guy-who-happens-to-call-himself-David.
As a side note:
I like Luck powers. They're always fun and cool. The only thing that worries me is the bad luck thing. Like, using Karma with a random negative kick-back would be awful.
Scenario:
Altaer whips out his Colts and fires ten bullets at George in super rapid succession.
George:
HOLY SHIT I NEED TO GET LUCKY!
*blocks 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9th bullets*
*After 9 blocks of skillfully shot bullets, his luck swings to the bad side*
*10th bullet smacks him dead in the center of his heart*
George:
"Well fuck."
Either you're going to have to SERIOUSLY quantify how his luck balances out, or George is screwed in every battle that takes requires him being lucky more than a few times in a row.
