Quote from RichardLongflop

This feels like a shallow, needlessly OP character hidden behind purple prose in order to sound far, far better and intelligently constructed than what it truly is.

If anyone doesn't know the phrase, 'purple prose' is when you go into needless detail to try and sound smarter.

what makes you think that?

Quote from Piston1937

what makes you think that?

I feel like the entire Personality spoiler could be shortened down to 'She will treat you as you treat her' and 'She is blunt'. The powers themselves feel overly described and detailed. Sure, it's fun and games thinking up the mechanics of something, but in essence this character can manipulate heat and momentum of items potentially within a 300m radius with a mix of partial realtime omniscience, and as for a weakness that could overthrow the whole thing, there's- well. She needs to focus. There's limits here and there, but there's no real way to fight against her goddamn godlike power.

I don't want to get caught up in drama here, but that's my two pennies. Also, carries amber things with a description that focuses on killing, "she doesn't believe in killing unless it's kill-or-be-killed", hah.

Ah okay

@Kamiroo: It really depends on what exactly she is affecting. If it is water, and she targets a person, then it would apply to all water in the body and not just the bloodstream - and considering that the human body has quite a lot of water, it'd definitely take some time to affect that since people can function up to three days without water i.e. dehydrated conditions. If she targets an area, that'd be even more water molecules to affect, so it'd take even longer - unless the person falls to the external conditions first, the chances of which are rather unlikely unless they're super sensitive to temperature changes.

To be honest, I was going by the calculation that a metre was 10 cm, which is totally utterly wrong and I should really start researching conversion rates. Yes, I would agree that 300m is much too far.

@Piston: Yes. If she only targets water molecules, nothing else is affected.

@Richard: For the amber things, those were an example. Other examples of functions include using them as distractions for opponents who locate based on sound, but I thought that would be a bit much to add in. But yes, I see the hypocrisy, and will edit that.
I apologise for the purple prose and if it offended you, but I am used to explaining everything I can remember due to needing to regurgitate to score on my papers. I merely thought it would be a good idea to clarify as much as I could, but perhaps that was too ambitious and caused more holes in the theory than I could see. If you are ambicable, could you perhaps offer some suggestions on how to tone down the godlike-ness, or do you think it would be better for me to restart?

Offence? No, chap. Takes much to offend me. I was objective. Your gratuitous writing in this profile is detrimental, since this profile isn't just meant to show your character, but for people to easily refer to when in dealing with them. Yes, details can be good, but being concise can be key.

I know what you mean when you say you regurgitate knowledge. I was born with memory issues, yet in past essays I worked hard to etch works into my mind for accurate quoting. This is why it is important to make drafts and get critique. And yes, this thread gives you critique so you can further alter and better your profile, and I acknowledge this, so do not think my words carried any sort of personal judgement.

When in making a good character, there are three audiences to cater to. You, the author. The other, the one who must also write your character as they fight you. And finally, the readers and potential voters, who must- if they have not learned your character before- must learn through the story. They may glance over your profile, but as it is currently, the size is discouraging.


I must admit, though. I do see myself in you. My previous character had a godlike strength, and due to its nature, I wrote much. Not human in the slightest, you see. Still, people respected and enjoyed him because there was a purpose behind him. Is there a purpose behind your char? I'd love to hear it. My past character's purpose was to force character development in others. See, their strength wasn't used to go against the enemy, it was meant to bottleneck them into a situation where they would have heavy internal conflict forced upon them, and then depth would be formed through that. Nothing could go against it. You could not fight it, only yourself, and in a way that was fully pacifistic. So my intention for him could be described succinctly: "Fuck you, get better." The most OP could do nothing but improve their written quality.

I also once had a non-wRHG character have a matter manipulation power, if but for a moment. Purely for a plot device. You see, your character here is so blunt and without any real character to them, that I wonder if they even realise their power at all. For some, it would drive mad. Use it, get drunk on it, strive to strengthen it and use it to their advantage. Some, they would fear it. Try and lock it away, lest they do something they might regret, something that would make them feel monstrous. You see?

My current character, Max Langford, has a simple power. But it has 50/50 potential. 50% chance of failing, 50% chance of winning, every time he uses it. It could be a gentle win/loss, or one of such magnitude that reality bends to achieve it. And do you know why I gave him such a power? So I could deal with the human aspects of having it.

Pardon my novella here, ahah. I'll make a note of my points: Develop your profile over time into something more concise and easy to refer to. Remember that others will see and use them outside of your viewpoint. If you wish to give your character great powers, then justify them with good, character-developing reasons. Your character remains human, and development and depth happens best if you truly use that.

I thank you for your advice, and fret not - I enjoyed the novella. It's not often that a story gets told simply but yet with elegance.

My main motives for joining are for reasons I assume most would have - to improve as a writer. I find myself building worlds better than people, and this genre focuses on exactly the opposite. To touch upon the points of realisation - I left their story short. Raelia has only just managed to settle in, and her vision (while fully functional) is still new. As Autriche mentions in the demo, she doesn't understand the power granted by her ability. On a subconscious level, she fears it, leading to her hesitance in using it lethally - while she has killed with the ability, she has never actually seen a person die by her hands. I would have left further development during the stories, against battles with others. She would grow as a person - acknowledge that at this point in time, she can no longer change anything, but perhaps it doesn't need to be a curse.

I do admire your succinct abbreviation. I will be frank - Raelia's ability was constructed after studying a previous textbook. Her ability was to challenge myself in terms of writing, to make a godlike power not godlike, and to force myself not to use the easy way out in battles by simply reading and using meta knowledge to break the fights. I also planned for it to be a challenge to others to find holes in the ability, and then poke at them (and maybe exploit them) to win a battle. Come to think of it, I probably should have explained this sooner.

I try to cover everything I can, but yes, the extreme usage of words can get a little daunting to read. I will do my best to correct this.
Many thanks for your comments, Richard!

Again, double post. I find double posts quite funny, but ah well.

I have cut the AOE to 100 meters. Area effects dictate that at 100 meters, what is felt is less than a percent of the actual effects. With every meter in, it increases by a percent.
The word count has been cut, with the original 11 pages being shortened to just over 9 pages. (I fully blame the Demo that takes up about five pages of it.)

A little more clarification has been added to the profile.

Still, 100 meters feel like a lot, even if at 50 meters it's only 50%. Most people balance these kinds of powers with line-of-sight, but you kinda override that. I'd have personally have had it up to 10 meters- which is still a lot- and say that after that, it drops very quickly.



This is my proposal.

Ah, and does your power have a proper weakness? I don't mean like a limit. A gun with five bullets can still kill. I mean something that one could use to potentially nullify the power, or at least the power's effect on them. Superman may be the most OP thing in existence, yet Kryptonite.

I had never considered an exponential graph, for reasons that perhaps the opponent would be overwhelmed if there was a change in environments, and if they happened to be sensitive, then it would be rather crippling. But it would be easily nullified if they could stay within the 10s range and further. Yes, this is an excellent idea. Thank you very much!

With regards to Kryptonite, I was originally planning something like lead is for radiation. Either it would shield whatever it was covering, or exposure to the material blocks off Systematic. I was leaning towards the latter, but wasn't certain if it should be an immediate cut off or a gradual shutdown.
Then I faced the problem of what material/item to pick. If I created something new, what were the odds that it would be accessible to opponents? I then thought of radioactive materials in general, with the gradual shutdown. But again, how many opponents would have radioactive materials just lying around, accessible for the next battle? And radioactive materials aren't exactly easy to carry around considering its properties.

Considering the basis of how Systematic arose, I proceeded to explore other avenues. Doom's character profile mentions archaotech, which I thought could work as a nullifier considering that the ability was built from bits and pieces of knowledge from everywhere. Archaotech is then explained as "the fusion of anything 'paranormal' that isn’t metahuman", but while Al.ice has a case full of it, that doesn't mean that it is open to anyone else.

I then thought of a rune sequence that could be used to block Systematic, but that would be problematic as the facility went "boom". No knowledge would be left behind unless someone had notes of it in a seperate place, and while that certainly isn't a problem for some, not everyone would have knowledge of runes or the time to draw them. And considering how Raelia was blind before, she certainly wouldn't know what the sequence looks like and thus can't share it - not that she'd want to. The shock factor would be quite fun to write out, but then again, the problems of accessibility.

In short, there's a hole and I can't plug it, haha.

Wow.

So, honestly, I just read the char as it stands now, and I like it a lot.

I think the Golden Waffle has taken care of helping you, so I'm pretty much just saying that I would like to fight you sometime!

I'm flattered, haha. Though I think much credit has to be given to Richard, Kamiroo and Piston for their words.
I will probably also update a nullifier if I ever find a suitable nullifier to use.

With regards to the battle: I've accepted a challenge from Piston that will probably begin soon, but I'd be happy to fight you after if you're still free. O w O