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IgnusBurns (Riley A. Sanders) v. Vern (June)

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Vern
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Jan 5, 2017 9:05 PM #1472485
So, in true Vern fashion I managed to deliver on this battle nearly another two months after the initial due date. I kept this battle going to constantly revise the things I felt I could do better, though honestly I could keep improving ad infinitum that way and I'm pretty satisfied with what I have so far (a first), so without further ado here's the battles ;

(Ignus)

Riley Adam Sanders

Spoiler (Click to Show)
day. No contracts, no deals, just a day to stay at home and relax. Not something that happened often. He hated it…

Not that he hated having a day off. It was the fact that nothing interesting happens on such days. He was so used to fighting superhumans and criminals that going cold turkey for a day kind of shocked him, in a good way.

He’d done his regular chores, taking out the trash, washing dishes, and a few out of his own willingness. Like making breakfast and lunch for his two roommates. It was the only way he could pass the time that morning and early afternoon. No ranges were within walking distance of the Mercs’ house, so Riley didn’t know how else to kill the time…

Things got interesting a few hours past sunset though. He was getting groceries for dinner, as he was gonna make that too. When things took a turn for the worst.

He was toting a bag full of various fruits and vegetables to make his mother’s taco soup. With his own touch of course. Riley had always liked fruits more than veggies, so any dish his mother passed down to him he added a bit of fruit.

That’s when he noticed the absence of his wallet, which was supposed to be in his right pants pocket, and whirled, tossing the bag of groceries into his left arm and whipping his right arm out and catching the thief by the shoulder.

From their frame he could tell she was a girl. A black hood covered her face, and she wore black gloves, baggy gray sweatpants, and black sneakers. A ball cap’s visor stuck out from beneath the hood, further shading her features.

He leaned down and set the groceries on the pavement while maintaining a tight grip on her shoulder. “C’mon, lass, give me my wallet back.” he asked, extending his hand out. The thief didn’t move, and Riley frowned, “Please. Give. Me. My. Wallet…”

Again not making a move, the CIA sighed, “Alright, look, I’m a cop, in manner of speaking, and if you give me back my wallet, I’ll let this slide.”

The girl looked up, revealing her face. She had blonde hair tucked in under her cap, and a pair of sunglasses covered her eyes.
Just like that, a force, not from the girl as she hadn’t lifted a finger, pushed on Riley’s shoulder and sent him skidding backward on the pavement.

He looked up, and the girl was now running down the sidewalk.

Riley stood quickly and dusted off his jacket, dropping the groceries on the sidewalk, “And, we’re doing this now.” He muttered, and the Operative gave chase, exploding off his right foot and accelerating to max speed within a few strides. His target looked behind her and, seeing him in hot pursuit, quickly turned into an alley. “Gotcha now…” Riley said confidently, rounding the corner.

His approach was swiftly met with a fist slamming into his chest, making him keel over backwards and hit concrete. He coughed as his rifle case dug into his back, then felt blood trickling down his neck.

Putting both hands to the ground, Riley deftly pushed himself up again and continued after the thief, who had hit the end of the alley.

With a wall in front and to either side of her, Riley was ready to make a quick arrest. But as he approached, the girl squatted, then leapt, all the way to the edge of the roof, grappling the gutters with both hands.

The CIA stopped a few feet from the wall as she pulled herself up onto the top, looking down at him and smiling. “You play basketball kid?” Riley asked, smirking back. She shrugged, then disappeared over the edge.

The Operative sighed, “Still gonna do it the hard way huh?” he mumbled.

Taking a couple steps back. Riley took a deep breath, then rushed forward, leaping towards the right wall and kicking off it, propelling himself at the one in front of him.

Rearing his synthetic arm back, the CIA’s mechanical eye pointed out a weakened section of wall, and he slammed his mechanical fingers into the piece of brick. Holding fast, Riley gripped the wall with his left, then ripped his right free and began to climb, eventually reaching the top and pulling himself up and over.

Activating his eye again, Riley spotted the thief jumping across rooftops at least a hundred meters ahead of him. He quickly brought his rifle case into his hands, opening it and bringing the sniper into his grip. Peering through the scope, the reticle floated over the girl’s head, then glided down to her upper thigh, and Riley fired.

The thief staggered and fell, the bullet having ripped through her pants and grazed her skin, if not worse.

The CIA cased the weapon and slung it over his back as he ran, leaping across the roofs to reach the girl.

Once within a good twenty feet, the same force which had shoved him before resurfaced, and Riley instinctively rolled to the side, the feeling of pressure subsiding.

The girl’s leg was indeed bloody, as red stained her upper thigh region and she struggled to stand. She pulled her hood down and ripped her cap off, allowing a blonde ponytail to tumble down to her midriff.

She turned towards him, a look of shock and anger covering her face. “You shot me?!” She roared. Riley bent down, resting his arms on his knees. “If you don’t want people to shoot you, don’t take their stuff kid…” He replied.

She pressed hard on the wound, trying to staunch the blood, and Riley waved the attempt off, “Don’t worry, I grazed the skin, just a flesh wound.”

She glared at him, and he smiled down at her. “Will you give me my wallet now?” he asked, but she frowned, clearly offended, “It’s already back in your pocket!”

Riley stood and felt both sides of his pants. Gripping a familiar bulge in his right, his mouth slightly opened and closed slowly, gulping air, “Oh… My bad…” was all he could manage. Looking down at the girl’s bloodied leg, he sighed. “I can help with that…”

He set his rifle case down again and popped the lid, revealing his R700, but also extra ammo and bandages. Pulling these out, he ripped a sizable amount from the roll and approached the girl’s leg with it. But she pulled the limb away, “You’re not doing this to try and make me drop my guard are you?”

Riley’s arms drooped at the question. He sighed, “No, I just want to try and make up for my mistake. I could’ve killed an innocent girl. I’m lucky I decided to stagger you.” he replied.

She snorted, “So… What? We’re supposed to be friends now?” She asked, clearly still angry.

“I didn’t say that, just hold still and cooperate.” He murmured. The girl snorted again in response, and Riley snickered at her spunk. “What can I call you?” He asked. She looked into his coffee brown eyes and her expression softened a little, his change of attitude starting to affect hers as well.

“June…”

***
A minute later, after June had pulled up her pant leg to reveal the wound and Riley treated it, he decided to break the silence. “So… I noticed when you were around, there was sort of, another presence. You doing that?” He asked.

She nodded in response, so he continued, “What is it exactly, electromagnetic? Psychokinetic?” June snapped her fingers at the last one, and Riley nodded, smiling. “So you’re a metahuman?” he asked, and she shrugged. “I guess so… What about you?”

The CIA’s smile dropped a little, then returned in full force. “Yeah. Sort of.”

“What have you got?” She asked. He shook his head, “‘Fraid that’s classified, lass, couldn’t tell you if I wanted.”
“Mechanical enhancement of the body?” She said, straight out of the blue. Riley looked up from wrapping her leg, surprised.
“How did you-”

“Forgot to mention.” She pointed to her temple, “Telepathy as well. Read it in there.” she explained, poking his forehead. Riley laughed again.
“Interesting. My mind is organized I reckon?” he asked playfully, to which June laughed,

“Quite the opposite actually…”

Riley laughed aloud, then stood, the wrap complete. He offered her a hand, and she took it, letting him pull her off the ground.

They stood silently for a moment, then Riley spoke, “I have an idea.”

June leaned to one side, resting either hand on a hip. “Yeah? Enlighten me…”

“I’m not gonna take you in, but you have to do something first.”

“And what’s that?” She asked.

“Fight me. If you win, you get a free pass, if you lose, well, I’ll probably let you go anyway.”

June took a step back, confusion across her face. “Why do you want to fight?”

Riley sighed then rolled his shoulders, “I’m rusty, and frankly, my day’s been too normal, I’m used to crazy. I need something to fix that. And here you come running. Not a coincidence I’d say.”

The girl smiled, then stepped back again. “Alright, I’ll bite. But be warned, I fight hard.”

The Operative bellowed with laughter, “I never said you didn’t...”

Both of them went to one side of the rooftop, and Riley set his case down on the edge. “You’re not going to use your rifle?” June asked, and he nodded,

“Don’t need to give myself too many advantages.”

She nodded, then bent both legs, putting more weight on her right than left. She raised both fists to her chin. As did Riley, adopting a more balanced stance and keeping his fists closer to his chest.

Making the first move, June thrust out both hands, and Riley was shoved backwards by her psychokinesis. Predicting such a move, the Operative bent his knees low to the ground and grinded his right hand along the roof, bringing him to a screeching halt.

Looking up, a leg swung at him in a slanted arc, and Riley dodged, moving just under June’s thigh as her kick missed. He feinted a blow to her abdomen, then slammed his left elbow into her sternum, just below the collarbone.

He put quite a bit of energy into the strike, and Riley obviously underestimated his strength, after all, it had been quite a while before he’d been in an actual fist fight. When was the last time he had one? Middle-school? That was almost twenty years ago, long before he’d gotten his mechanical enhancements.

June flew backwards, flipping in mid-air and placing a hand to the ground, pushing off and landing gracefully a few feet away.

She then jumped into the air a good ten feet. On the way down, she thrust her hand out again, the gravity around Riley seeming to increase five-fold. He braced his feet against the roof, the materials groaning and cracking underneath his magnified weight.

Unable to move, the CIA could do nothing as both of June’s knees slammed into his chest and sent them both crashing through the creaking wood.

They landed with the broken pieces of wood and roof, dust settling around them. June leapt off and landed a few feet away, back in her fighting position.

Riley was struggling to his feet, “Not bad kid, even I couldn’t see that coming.” He complimented, to which June smiled.

“Been working on that for a while.” she replied, cracking her knuckles.

As soon as he was on his feet and ready again, his rival rushed forward, taking a swing at Riley’s chin. He smacked the blow aside with his left and countered, slamming the palm of his right hand into her chest, pushing her back.

He walked forward casually as June recovered, the blow from his mechanical limb having hit her pretty hard. She looked up to see him smash his wrist into her cheek with a haymaker, sending her flying into the left wall, the impact causing dust to rain from the ceiling.

Her body shuddered from the obvious pain, but she got up rather seamlessly. Blood was rushing from a cut on her left cheek, probably from the previous blow, but a savagely determined look remained in her eyes.

She faced him, and the gravity increased around the Operative once again. He tried to move, but even with his enhancements he could only lift his foot an inch off the ground before it smashed into the floor. His enhancements, which increased his weight, had become his worst enemy…

June walked forward, her face still constrained as she held the gravity field in place. Once she was within a foot, the gravity around Riley dissipated, but he couldn’t react in time as his opponent started to smash her fists, knees, and shins into his gut and face.

He was shocked by how strong her punches were, considering how young of a girl she was. Either she worked out, a lot, or she was using her powers to augment her strength. She obviously had some experience in combat, and Riley was going to get beat if he didn’t figure out something soon…

He activated his eye, the HUD beginning to display diagnostics of June’s fighting style.

Riley took in all the info as quick as he could, the blows from his foe beginning to take too much of a toll on his stamina. He may have been able to take ten times as much abuse as any other guy, but he was almost at his limit...

His HUD beeped at him, the scan done, and Riley lifted his right hand up and caught the next blow, a kick, mid-swing. The calculations were correct, and he threw her leg down. She threw a hook, and he blocked that too, every single attack after being deflected by a mix of Riley and his eye’s diagnosis.

She attempted a jab at his ribs, but he dodged to the right, knocked the blow out of the way and grabbed her wrist with his mechanical arm, gripping it tightly.
June cried out from the synthetic limb’s strength, and Riley heaved her towards the opposite wall, her body sailing through the air like a rag doll.

She hit the wooden floor and slid into the divider, groaning in pain. As soon as she did, the CIA ran over, leapt into the air, popped open his forearm, assembled a firearm mid-flight, extended his foot, and slammed the heel into June’s left cheek, following up by putting the gun to her temple. “I win…” He growled triumphantly, breathing hard.

The girl sighed as she sat up against the wall, slightly flinching under the pressure of the gun’s barrel. “Alright, I yield, you got me…” She replied, holding both hands up in surrender.

Riley dismantled the weapon and offered her a hand, she took it a bit reluctantly and stood, holding her side. “You good?” the Operative asked, raising an eyebrow.

June nodded, wincing a bit. “Yeah, might have bruised rib or two, but I’ll be fine.” She explained, shaking her head, looking disappointed. Riley slapped her on the shoulder, making sure to use his left arm.

“Don’t sweat me beating you kid, you gave me a real good fight.” Riley complemented, laughing.

June snorted, “I may have done good, but I can always do better, I certainly didn’t do my best today…”

It was Riley’s turn to snort, “Puhhhleaze! You did great! Now let’s get out of this place.”

He jumped up and managed to grab a broken support beam, which now jutted out from the hole in the ceiling. The Operative pulled himself up and out, then turned to help June. “Here.” He said, offering her his right hand.

She waved it off, “I can get up on my own.” and leapt out of the hole, easily clearing the roof and Riley, landing behind him.

“Forgot you can do that…” He responded, scratching his head. She chuckled at the statement, looking at the now risen moon, bright white and radiant.

Riley sat on the edge of the roof and took in a deep breath of the night air. “I think I got my fill of excitement for the day.” He stated, laughing to himself. June stood behind him and raised an eyebrow.

“Tired already, old man?” She asked.

The CIA turned and looked up at her, feigning insult. “First off, I’m twenty-nine. And second, I’m probably in better shape than you June…”

The psychic laughed again, “I know, I know, so, I get to go then?”

Riley rolled his eyes, “Yeah, you get to go, just try not to steal too much alright?” He replied.

“Of course…”

He sighed contentedly. Taking out his wallet, he rifled through the various pockets, making sure everything was still there and wasn’t lost
IgnusBurns
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Jan 5, 2017 9:14 PM #1472486
I felt like I was more prodding you with a double-edged sword, but that's pretty close to a stick isn't it?

But yeah, it was actually very fun to cooperate with you and write with you as well. June was pretty fun to write myself, and I hope you had a fun time illustrating (through words) Riley as well.
Vern
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Jan 5, 2017 9:39 PM #1472487
Riley was fun to write. All in all this took longer than it should have though.

Also Piston, you know you're not supposed to vote before having read both battles right? If you're going to make a biased un-vote then at least be subtle and don't pretend like you can read 23 pages in under 30 minutes.
Piston1937
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Jan 5, 2017 9:49 PM #1472489
I did read both. :mad: Don't doubt my reading skills.
IgnusBurns
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Jan 5, 2017 9:51 PM #1472490
Quote from Piston1937
I did read both. :mad: Don't doubt my reading skills.


Dang we got an epic speed reader here...
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Piston1937
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Jan 5, 2017 9:54 PM #1472491
Thanks Ignus for believing me not very many do.
Alphaeus
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Jan 6, 2017 2:40 AM #1472508
(CnC will be incoming here too...)
Devour
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Jan 8, 2017 6:18 AM #1472690
Nice parts :) I could feel the fun you guy had writing your parts in the stories as I read. I'm pretty sleepy so I can't give that in-depth of C&C, but here's some things that stuck out to me with both stories.

Ignus/Riley's part:
The introduction could have definitely been done better. Mostly, the little piece-by-piece description of how his boring, normal day was going took away from the story more than it added to it. You can explain that the morning was boring and mundane without making the writing mundane as well, ya feel me? I like to provide fixes or examples of a fix when I'm bringing up new concepts, but I can't really think of one right now lol. Maybe just try to keep the narrative moving and don't dedicate too much time to describing things that don't need to have their own screen time. Sort of like how movies work.

For all the fun that Riley and June seemed to be having, they didn't really feel or sound like real people in a world. I felt like they were reading off of a script, sort of. Their dialogue happened in strange moments where the other person might not have been able to hear them, or where stopping to talk would have made one or the other get caught by, or lose track of their adversaries. Sometimes the actions they took felt like that as well. Maybe try to keep the thought that these could be real human beings, rather than the cool concepts and ideas that they are, at the front of your mind whilst writing.

Critique aside, the story was fun to read and a little heartwarming too, with how both sides were always in good spirits towards each other. I enjoyed it.

Vern/June's part:
I really wish I could sit down for like 30 minutes and explain the things I see in your part. I see a lot of skill in the writing and the dramatics, as well as the way the story was built to bring June and Riley together to create a meaningful battle. But beneath some very talented storytelling skills is quite a bit of sloppiness when it comes to the small details. It's not things like spelling, but it's the unspoken rules of writing that are being a bit neglected.
It's stuff like redundancy in descriptions ("but her face was reddened and painted by a mix of anger and indifference"), describing something twice with similar phrases when one or the other would have done just fine. Some conversations feel pretty unrealistic--as do lots of characters' responses to the world around them when things are happening. I would love to just read through the story again, copy everything that I wanted to comment on and give advice on every detail that I see, but I'm coming pretty close to falling asleep right now lol.
I know many of these unspoken rules of writing unconsciously, but it's a lot harder to actually point out and describe how to improve your writing at a fundamental level.

However, noticing the room you have to improve didn't obscure the quality of the story from me. It was a pretty good read, though I can't say the grammar errors and somewhat questionable turns the story took didn't take me out of it a little bit. Although more work was put into Vern's part, I enjoyed reading Ignus's more. My vote goes to him.
ErrorBlender
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Jan 8, 2017 3:43 PM #1472721
I've been sitting here for a bit now, contemplating which story was better and whose I enjoyed most. After hours of tedious reading of webcomics, playing on my phone and going elsewhere, I've finally come to the conclusion that I have to give now:

I can say I've enjoyed both stories. I can't really spot much errors at my current state of being tired most of the time so I just go with the one that made me nod in satisfaction after reading it.

With Ignus', the chance encounter was well executed. I loved how Vern's went along with the impromptu battle that had June's career on the line. While I did feel Ignus' had a more lighthearted feel to it, I am more drawn to like Vern's more. With his, it felt more of a story while Ignus' more of an introduction.

My vote is handed to Vern.
Crank
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Jan 11, 2017 6:22 PM #1473114
Woke up pretty late today, so I don't have much time, but it was a good clash of stories! Burns was brighter, where Vern hugged the dark corners a bit more. I didn't run into the same issues Devour had with it, to be honest, so I'm a little curious if what he saw could help me out too. Between the two, I did lean a bit more on Vern's side.

I take it June wouldn't be big on the death penalty, huh?

Ignus, I'll trying having something a bit more in depth for your forfeit, although I did like the characterization you had here, there was much more personality between them that I've seen in the past. Great job!
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