Okay, so my vote went to firefly, not because everyone else said so for everyone's information. I liked both stories, but I felt like Azarel's story had some transitions that needed work that kind of made it look like your piece rambled on a bit and was rushed. I will admit my transitions aren't that good either, but I felt that you jumped from point to point most of the time. Most of my gripes though, Cranky (can I call you that? I'm gonna call you that anyway) stated anyway. Also, like bucco (buckethead), this is my first time giving CnC, so yeah. Here it is:
First ever CnC (I think, I don't really remember what I did in December), so let's go! Also, sorry if I don't point things out in the order they were mentioned, I'm just too lazy to move stuff around right now :p . Also, sorry if this looks a little intimidating and also sorry if this doesn't help you two at becoming better writers. It's first CnC, so maybe I need CnC for my CnC... Anyways here it goes.
Az Seven: So, aside from some grammar stuff, some of the transitions weren't so smooth as I said earlier. Also, you didn't exactly connect some stuff too, like connect certain points well, like in the paragraph coming from Azarel. I can't explain it well, but here it is:
If you read this out loud, it doesn't sound right. Also, I was a little confused as to what Azarel's plan was. Was it to lure Serena to him? I dismissed this since you wrote working. I'm bad with tenses too, but I was slightly confused as to what he was trying to do. Maybe you can write something along these lines instead:
Good, my plan to lure Serena worked. At this point I can dodge her attacks pretty easily, but I then see her carapace begin to glow brighter than usual. My eyes widen, but I force them to shut, expecting a blinding attack from her. However, I feel myself being lifted up and open my eyes to see that she was lifting me by the hood of my sweatshirt. It was a trap, and she's definitely smarter than I thought. Immediately I use my laser sword to cut off my hood, causing me to fall down, making my cap slide forwards in the process. Without a moment to waste I jump back just in time to dodge the lightning coming from her eyes and quickly hide behind a tree, making five clones to help me.
I'm not good with First Person, but that's how I would have done it. I wouldn't say it's the best alternative since I don't usually write first person. Next things next, I was a little confused as to why Azarel killed the criminals from earlier. Not because I didn't know why he did it, but mostly because you kind of contradict yourself. Here's why:
Capitalization aside, here's the thing:
I thought you said Azarel doesn't like to kill, so I was kinda wondering why he killed them instead of incapacitating them and leaving them for the coppas. If Azarel got a change of heart since joining Menegerie, or something, that would be a nice thing to add. Okay last thing, the battle with Jim and Azarel wasn't something I was on board with. I mean it was a cool idea, having the plot twist of having Azarel's childhood friend be the one that left the Zen Village in ruins, and I liked that, but I guess it was the way it was executed. I mean, it was cool, but as Cranky said, the named moves were a thing. Also, I know it's just a small thing of mine, and I'm sure ither people thought this was fine, but I myself wasn't so big on having the fans come in. Security, understandable, but townsfolk? I know this is a sort of fantasy world, the world of RHGs and all that jazz, but even so, I don't think your average Bob would go to the forest/mountain area on a rainy day where there are very visible colossal, giant-like being things fighting and a dragon in the fray, PLUS the serpent, loud noises of all the chi and demonic energy stuff, and the trees set on fire. Even if the some people were daring enough to check it out, they would probably run the hell away for their lives after seeing a giant bug woman and a scary dude with a pitchfork, plus the large bunch of same-looking guys with swords. I don't think they would try to attack them either. Sorry if I missed something or I came across as a nitpicky prick here, but I like things legitimate to some extent. That is still just a minor gripe, yet a gripe of mine nonetheless. Okay so I'm coming to a close now, and sorry if this is pretty bad, it's still my first CnC, but I enjoyed the appearance of Percy at the end. I mean I didn't 100% like the way you transitioned from the hospital to the café, but I enjoyed seeing you include my café in there, and even mentioning Joshua since he is such a small character of mine that won't play a big role in the majority of my future stories. I enjoyed it, and thought it was a good precursor to our future spar. Just one thing though, and again, sorry if I come across as a picky brick head here, but the headband isn't visible, more concealed in his pocket. Also, Percy wouldn't be the one to act on a battle, but I'll let this slide since I can imagine Percy enjoying a spar with a kid with cool powers since his main goal is to become stronger. So all in all, I liked your story, but it just felt a little rushed, especially since you had a lot in 11 pages. Not saying you need to write a 25+ paged work, but if you worked more on your transitions and elaborated on some vague things, you definitaly would have taken my vote, whether the world voted otherwise.
Firefly: Okay, so my vote went for you, you definitely did a good job for your first battle! I know I sound like I've been here for a while when I say that, and while I haven't, I really do mean it! Crank pretty much summed up just about everything I think could need some work. The "gout of fire" was definitely used a lot, and while it was cool at first, too much repetition isn't always a good thing, something I have definitely learned. Also, the personality thing was there too. I mean, I know she's the goddess of serenity, but there have to be moments where she isn't at peace. Moving on, like I said I like things to make sense to some extent, and when Serena slept after Azarel ran, it was kind of odd for me. Again, sorry to sound nitpicky and while I know everyone else probably shrugged it off, I just wanted to mention it. Again, sorry to be "that guy." Okay, I know you wrote "after waiting for about ten or so minutes," but you could at least head back to the lake while still being extremely alert. An enemy like Azarel is still no joke to shrug off. You could even send some firefly scouts too to make sure he isn't stalking from a distance. I'm also sure she wanted to regain her strength after the encounter, but I've usually never been a fan of sleeping after being attacked, with the exception of Sans in the Undertale Genocide, that was pulled off pretty well. Okay enough of my nerdiness. All in all, that part wasn't my favorite. Not saying you should have gotten rid of it, but a couple of hours of sleep just seems like too much. I would be fine with sotting down and relaxing a bit, but not exactly sleeping. I know Azarel would also want to A.) regain some energy and B.) wait for the right moment, but Azarel should have a lot of stamina and a few hours should be more than enough time to strike. I know people will probablu think it's fine, but it's just something of mine. Though, firefly, you had a good story and ultimately won my vote. I was kind of expecting her to use her demon mode since Azarel is no joke and is also because he is a demon hunter, would have liked to see how that went.
Good stories you two, can't wait to see more from you firefly, and good luck on our current battle Azarel! Again, sorry for probably crappy feedback.
