Looks like the two of you planned a lot of this out together! Glad to see both of ya slowed down for the finishers, and Piston, it makes me feel less insane knowing I'm not the only one who looks at immortals in a "but how can I kill you anyway?" sorta way!
That said though, I'd say both of you could work on the same thing. Specifically, showing more emotion. Piston, you seemed to do a bit better in this regard (getting you my vote), but it could still, well, feel a little more. Still though, most of this applies to both of you:
Fred withdrew the Ak-47 that he had been hiding beneath his brown shirt as he said, “yeah i am interested after all it was you that got my girlfriend hooked now I am here to kill you.”
Buckethead, this was your line that stuck out the most at me. The way it is right now, this is how it reads:
Fred withdrew the Ak-47 that he had been hiding beneath his brown shirt. “Yeah, I am interested," The dummy causally nodded, gun leisurely at his side, "After all it was you that got my girlfriend hooked. Now I am here to kill you.” With a simple shrug, he aimed his weapon.
Realistically, I know that's not the tone you're shooting for, but if you've ever seen someone livid, you know the words aren't the first thing you notice. They have an expression, and there's a certain way that they're saying what it is that they're saying. For the most part, I avoid people yelling at me, but when my roommate's furious about something, his brow furrows and his voice amplifies. His hands are a lot more animated and he loses the ability to sit still. Was Fred able to hide it that whole time, or did his ticks ever start to show?
Fred withdrew the Ak-47 that he had been hiding beneath his brown shirt, hands shaking with a wrath intense enough to burn him alive before even touching the gun. “Yeah, I am interested," It was the first time his voice broke, almost sounding like an insidious growl as he tried keeping the volume down. With the jig clearly up, however, the rest of his words sped, each following the other faster with decibels growing like a cancer, "After all, it was you that got my girlfriend hooked! Now! I am here to kill you.”
Something both of you guys do (in the same vain) is have really terrible things happen, but both of ya kinda shy away from showing the character see them.
The scientist nodded at this and looked at his daughter’s sleeping form. “The doctor’s say that she will be mostly back to normal in about a week's time but her mental state may have crumbled a bit and she will have murderous tendencies from now on,” the scientist said as he put a hand on Fred’s shoulder, “So what are you going to do.”
Fred turned back to Jamie and sighed, “To be honest i don't know. I might give up on battling for now and try to travel with Jamie a bit to see if i cannot calm down her murderous tendencies. Other than that i might train her to be a gladiator like me and we could be a team. Only time will tell.”
That was when Fred heard the blast. The hospital had been blown up. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Fred saw the mutilated corpse of Jamie strewn around the rubble. Fred fell to his knees his bucket falling from his hand to clang on the floor. Then Fred felt a blade enter his head from both temples meeting in the middle of his cranium. The mist cleared as everything went dark and the illusion vanished.
Event. Reaction. The way characters respond to terrible sights and news is just as important as what just happened. If I killed off Annabelle, never mentioned her again and Serif immediately moved on, the death really doesn't matter. If you don't show Fred seeing his girlfriend die, it doesn't hurt. If Fred treats 'murderous tendencies' as no big deal, then there's no reason to care my ex-girlfriend's getting them.
I think this was a pretty even fight, and guys did well, but if you hone in on emotion, it'll really elevate you both!
Having a monster doesn't mean no emotions though, buckethead. Even if something's stoic you still need to show it, and if it's a monster, who it's against is certainly going to be feeling things.
