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Clout, master of Genzu.

Started by: Najenda | Replies: 21 | Views: 1,765

Najenda
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Nov 23, 2017 9:04 PM #1485856
Names (Click to Show)


Personal Information (Click to Show)


Appearance (Click to Show)


The Orkana (Click to Show)


Story (Click to Show)


Personality (Click to Show)


Abilities (Click to Show)


Weaknesses (Click to Show)


Demo (Click to Show)


I hope you enjoy my new wRHG! I’ve tried to fix the flaws from my past 2 wRHG’s (considering my friend co owned it with me, this being Yashiro), and make this one better. Any constructive criticism is appreciated, Ly guys~ <3

~Najenda, creator of MUVES.
Azarel CS.777
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Nov 25, 2017 4:44 AM #1485903
The only problem I find with this guy is his speed. Like, 2140 mile per hour. You won't be able to even catch this guy. And can you explain on why his jumpsuit gets ripped and his scarf dissapears when he enters Gate Breaker form?
PitchEnder
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Nov 25, 2017 5:03 AM #1485904
Surprise mother FUCKER

Mother Fucking CnC Time Beeeeyotch (Click to Show)
Najenda
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Nov 25, 2017 2:17 PM #1485909
Quote from PitchEnder
Surprise mother FUCKER

Mother Fucking CnC Time Beeeeyotch (Click to Show)


First of all, he doesn't scream when he enters this state. Like I said, he's only entered the form twice, hasn't even mastered it. This isn't like a super saiyan transformation, he doesn't even know what the form is himself. This isn't like DBZ where Goku is like AYE YO KING KAI WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF MY HAIR DYES GOLD? "Well! It's a part of your race!" wHoA!!!!

No, none of that. Only Clout has the ability to do this, besides Tekashi which he is the reincarnation of. I'm planning to do *LITERATURE,* for a main storyline for Clout. This isn't just a wRHG that's going to just be accepting fights, I want more depth to it. So, more of the Orkanaic race with be revealed in my stories, and yes this is an introduction to the character himself but I'd like to keep some information hidden for the time being. I'd love to share some more once I'm done. Thanks for the CnC, appreciate it. Although, the second weakness does make sense.

Quote from Azarel CS.777
The only problem I find with this guy is his speed. Like, 2140 mile per hour. You won't be able to even catch this guy. And can you explain on why his jumpsuit gets ripped and his scarf dissapears when he enters Gate Breaker form?


Yes, but that's only in his Gate Breaker form which isn't unlocked easily. Most people don't land fatal blows on him, in fact no one has yet. I'm sure someone can here. In fact, A LOT of people can I've seen. The fact that his jumpsuit is ripped is because a force of power that goes through his body, and the scarf thing... I don't know if I will turn that into an idea, or just have it as a weird thing that just "happens" only time will tell. Thanks for reading my wRHG.
Alphaeus
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Nov 25, 2017 2:19 PM #1485911
Alright, so I'm not going to do a point by point because my dear DK by the name of Pitch has done this for me. My telepathic commands seem to be working on him and reducing my work load.

That said, he doesn't give much in the way of advice yet, or viable solutions. Still have to program those directives into his subconscious and all.

Sooo, you have a char. WOO. You just joined the wRHG universe, or, rather, tried to. Good job for getting this far.

Now, what is this char?

Well....well...he's an edgy alien teenager that somehow is a guardian that doesn't do shit, and works like some strange goku-esque anime spin-off.

Wait, what?

So, here's the problem. When I read a character, I'm supposed to say "Cool!" or "Ah, I see."

The thing I'm asking here is WHY.

I am now inducting into the realm of wRHG CnC....

"The Y Factor"

Your character has a really, REALLY big Y factor. Like, I literally lost track while reading. You throw all of this stuff out there and the reader is just left saying "why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? "

I'm sure I have underestimated the amount of times in this example, but you get the point.

Also please, for the love of all that is sane, take your scarf and show it up a goat's ass. Scarves are not cool warrior shit, okay? I wear scarves IRL because I like the style during the cooler months. They are just fashion accessories and neck/face warmers. Not edgy shit. Also, here's why you don't wear a scarf:

"Lele, behold me scarfo!"

*Opponent grabs scarf and pulls*

"I....can't....breathe..."

^^That's why. Why thank you Mr. Edge-face for giving me a built-in noose!

I could go on to analyze this shit point by point, and want to, but I'm not bothering right now.

Sooo...on to how to solve this! There is hope, not because I see any but because I said so damn it!
____________________________________________________________________________________

First, age: I get that you might be around this age, just assuming. That said, IRL 16 year olds don't do shit like this. Sure, you'll get some edgy bastard that joins up with gangs and shit, but generally speaking 16 year olds are just that -- edgy wanna-be cuntlord bastards. The don't do cool shit. Nopity nope. If you can't relate to someone much older, then place the age around 19. Speaking personally, by 19 I had gotten my shit together and was working diligently towards defined goals. Even people that don't have their shit together at least have some shits somewhere. Solution -- make him at least 19-ish.

Second, backstory. Boil this shit down. Throwing words at someone in a super compressed narrative does not a backstory make. Flesh this out. I feel like you have a (potentially...wait, no. I said hope, remember what I said even if it doesn't seem true. I create the truth right now.) interesting backstory and meta for this character. Would probably mesh cool with Zalgo or Omega. Anyhow, the kind of shit you've got here is either 1) irrelevant details you can explain later, or 2) relevant details you need to fucking explain in detail NOW. So do that. Solution -- DETAILS MOTHERFUCKA

Race -- this isn't an IC profile. IC = In Character. This is meta. This is what IRL humans read while drinking Gin Rickies at 8:37 AM because they never get a break from work and do this for fun. Tell me what I fucking came here to learn you swimpy dip. Solution -- DETAILS MOTHERFUCKA

Personality and appearance. Dude, like, can I just use your char's profile to shave? With edge like that razor companies would go out of business. Smooth ass motherfucker I'd be. Start with NORMAL. Totally flatline average shit. This is the neutral zone for EVERY character, and then move from there. Rules of the game are that you can't go too far without giving sound, sane justification. You didn't. You can't. You won't. Kapesh. Done. Remember, I make the truth right now, so don't argue with me. I declared you have hope, don't blow it. ;) Solution -- normal ain't bad, yo bro.

Abilities. Y Factor Festival right here. And Edgemaster 9000Z. At once. Just no. You don't need a fucking Gate Breaker. Hey, fun fact -- if you name it Breaker, chances are it's probably as broken and edgy as when I punched a mirror. Also, this speed. Just no. No fuckity no no. Stop. You are not supersonic. I declare this null and void, you will obey my words. Period. Solution -- Invisibility and Genzu. That's it.

Weaknesses. Or not. Like, you make obvious shit, then obviate that obvious shit. Solution -- find some viable shit. Put limits on here that actually matter.


So. Try my advice. Try = take it or else tbh because you don't have the options you think you do.

Oh, and welcome back!
Najenda
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Nov 25, 2017 3:33 PM #1485915
Quote from Alphaeus
Alright, so I'm not going to do a point by point because my dear DK by the name of Pitch has done this for me. My telepathic commands seem to be working on him and reducing my work load.

That said, he doesn't give much in the way of advice yet, or viable solutions. Still have to program those directives into his subconscious and all.

Sooo, you have a char. WOO. You just joined the wRHG universe, or, rather, tried to. Good job for getting this far.

Now, what is this char?

Well....well...he's an edgy alien teenager that somehow is a guardian that doesn't do shit, and works like some strange goku-esque anime spin-off.

Wait, what?

So, here's the problem. When I read a character, I'm supposed to say "Cool!" or "Ah, I see."

The thing I'm asking here is WHY.

I am now inducting into the realm of wRHG CnC....

"The Y Factor"

Your character has a really, REALLY big Y factor. Like, I literally lost track while reading. You throw all of this stuff out there and the reader is just left saying "why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? "

I'm sure I have underestimated the amount of times in this example, but you get the point.

Also please, for the love of all that is sane, take your scarf and show it up a goat's ass. Scarves are not cool warrior shit, okay? I wear scarves IRL because I like the style during the cooler months. They are just fashion accessories and neck/face warmers. Not edgy shit. Also, here's why you don't wear a scarf:

"Lele, behold me scarfo!"

*Opponent grabs scarf and pulls*

"I....can't....breathe..."

^^That's why. Why thank you Mr. Edge-face for giving me a built-in noose!

I could go on to analyze this shit point by point, and want to, but I'm not bothering right now.

Sooo...on to how to solve this! There is hope, not because I see any but because I said so damn it!
____________________________________________________________________________________

First, age: I get that you might be around this age, just assuming. That said, IRL 16 year olds don't do shit like this. Sure, you'll get some edgy bastard that joins up with gangs and shit, but generally speaking 16 year olds are just that -- edgy wanna-be cuntlord bastards. The don't do cool shit. Nopity nope. If you can't relate to someone much older, then place the age around 19. Speaking personally, by 19 I had gotten my shit together and was working diligently towards defined goals. Even people that don't have their shit together at least have some shits somewhere. Solution -- make him at least 19-ish.

Second, backstory. Boil this shit down. Throwing words at someone in a super compressed narrative does not a backstory make. Flesh this out. I feel like you have a (potentially...wait, no. I said hope, remember what I said even if it doesn't seem true. I create the truth right now.) interesting backstory and meta for this character. Would probably mesh cool with Zalgo or Omega. Anyhow, the kind of shit you've got here is either 1) irrelevant details you can explain later, or 2) relevant details you need to fucking explain in detail NOW. So do that. Solution -- DETAILS MOTHERFUCKA

Race -- this isn't an IC profile. IC = In Character. This is meta. This is what IRL humans read while drinking Gin Rickies at 8:37 AM because they never get a break from work and do this for fun. Tell me what I fucking came here to learn you swimpy dip. Solution -- DETAILS MOTHERFUCKA

Personality and appearance. Dude, like, can I just use your char's profile to shave? With edge like that razor companies would go out of business. Smooth ass motherfucker I'd be. Start with NORMAL. Totally flatline average shit. This is the neutral zone for EVERY character, and then move from there. Rules of the game are that you can't go too far without giving sound, sane justification. You didn't. You can't. You won't. Kapesh. Done. Remember, I make the truth right now, so don't argue with me. I declared you have hope, don't blow it. ;) Solution -- normal ain't bad, yo bro.

Abilities. Y Factor Festival right here. And Edgemaster 9000Z. At once. Just no. You don't need a fucking Gate Breaker. Hey, fun fact -- if you name it Breaker, chances are it's probably as broken and edgy as when I punched a mirror. Also, this speed. Just no. No fuckity no no. Stop. You are not supersonic. I declare this null and void, you will obey my words. Period. Solution -- Invisibility and Genzu. That's it.

Weaknesses. Or not. Like, you make obvious shit, then obviate that obvious shit. Solution -- find some viable shit. Put limits on here that actually matter.


So. Try my advice. Try = take it or else tbh because you don't have the options you think you do.

Oh, and welcome back!


Ok...? I get the whole CnC you're doing but I see that some of this is just your own opinion. If I want a scarf, I'm gonna let him have the damn Scarf. But I will take your advice.
PitchEnder
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Nov 25, 2017 4:55 PM #1485920
Quote from Najenda
If I want a scarf, I'm gonna let him have the damn Scarf. But I will take your advice.


If you ever battle me with the character, expect my character to choke your character out using this scarf.

Quote from What The Fuckity Fuck?

First of all, he doesn't scream when he enters this state.


I know that. I just changed the words in the quote to emphasize how anime this whole Gate Breaker thing is.
Najenda
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Nov 25, 2017 5:06 PM #1485921
Quote from PitchEnder
If you ever battle me with the character, expect my character to choke your character out using this scarf.



I know that. I just changed the words in the quote to emphasize how anime this whole Gate Breaker thing is.


So I have to remove the scarf to prevent being choked... *sigh* Idk anymore. But, I tried to differ it from SSJ as much as I could.
There is no yellow glow, in fact there is NO GLOW. Clout's Genzu doesn't emit from his body when he enters Gate Breaker, and most of the time even in battles he wont even be entering the state.
He doesn't develop it by anger, only when his body is on the verge of death, fatal blows. I'm also going to be adding a ruby to his chest, you'll see why soon. These are all things that I'm building up instead of just putting it all out into my wRHG
I DO need to cut back on the speed. That's an issue. I actually spent a lot of my time researching, so I thought 2,000 mph wasn't bad. LOL I'm an idiot, I thought at least 1 character here (that isn't mine) had to have some flash sort of character so I didn't notice how much speed any character really had.
I'll cut it down to like 300 MPH? Gatebreaker will have a tiny bit more? Idk, I just want him to be really fast. Have a good amount of Agility.
PitchEnder
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Nov 25, 2017 6:31 PM #1485923
Quote from This One

So I have to remove the scarf to prevent being choked... *sigh* Idk anymore.


Just have him take it off during battle so it isn't in the way.

Quote from This
There is no yellow glow, in fact there is NO GLOW. Clout's Genzu doesn't emit from his body when he enters Gate Breaker, and most of the time even in battles he wont even be entering the state.
He doesn't develop it by anger, only when his body is on the verge of death, fatal blows. I'm also going to be adding a ruby to his chest, you'll see why soon. These are all things that I'm building up instead of just putting it all out into my wRHG


I never said any of these things... I don't know why you keep bringing these points up.

Quote from That
I'll cut it down to like 300 MPH? Gatebreaker will have a tiny bit more? Idk, I just want him to be really fast. Have a good amount of Agility.


That is still incredibly fast. It's fast enough to out maneuver 99% of the RHG. The problem with this speed is that you have no drawbacks listed for it. How is anyone supposed to be able to hit him if he can just run around at 300 MPH all the time?
Kamiroo Wolf
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Nov 25, 2017 7:25 PM #1485924
Ok, I'm gonna give my two cents on this. And I know Najenda probably doesn't like me as thingd stand, but I honestly could not care less.

I'm not going to beat you up too bad about what everybody else has said, but I do want to make sure you understand the vibe everybody gets from this and basically what they have all been telling you:

1. Clout is edgy and dull all at the same time, character-wise.
2. Clout is vague because you want him to be which is bs.
3. Clout's abilities are fucked.
4. Clout's weaknesses are fucked.

I'm sure you're just as sick of hearing this as I am, so I'm not gonna expand on that shit any further unless you ask me to or I feel like being a dick.

What I want to talk about is the hiding-your-story shit. While many members here in the lounge are guilty of this(including myself), you appear to be taking it all to a level we'd all like to avoid.

I can understand wanting to build up and create an intricate and engaging story/universe, but the issue with doing so here is that you're not always guaranteed to have an audience. You keep telling us that we'll see all the details you want us to see when you get to it in your story, but the issue presents itself when people take a good look at just what you've presented.

Clout' s entire page is uninteresting and we've seen it all a million times before. If anyone even decides to follow your storyline(unlikely as I've seen many a compelling story left in the dust here), you have to keep them engaged throughout or you'll get dropped without hesitation. The issue here is that you can't even get us engaged with what you've given us to start. There's no meat to this character. Just raw bones that have had a smidge of basic seasoning sprinkled on them. It needs to be fleshed out, it needs for you to spill some more details, and it needs for you to take a step back and consider everybody else before yourself.

Don't dismiss this as mere opinion. All you show us by doing that is that you're not willing to make the big changes that are necessary.
Najenda
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Nov 25, 2017 9:53 PM #1485925
Quote from Kamiroo Wolf
Ok, I'm gonna give my two cents on this. And I know Najenda probably doesn't like me as thingd stand, but I honestly could not care less.

I'm not going to beat you up too bad about what everybody else has said, but I do want to make sure you understand the vibe everybody gets from this and basically what they have all been telling you


No no, it's fine! And, I've changed from last year. I hated you because you CnCed my character or just criticized it in some way, I was a bitch. I understand my faults..
Just to let you guys know, I've updated everything. Clout's Age, his weaknesses, and abilities. I've updated them based on the criteria and CnC you have presented me with, so thank you for that!
And Kamiroo, you have nothing to worry about (even though you clearly said you don't give a fuck). I'm cool with you, and hopefully you're cool with me. I've tried to update Clout based on your opinions as much as possible ^-^
Alphaeus
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Nov 25, 2017 10:46 PM #1485926
Quote from Najenda
Ok...? I get the whole CnC you're doing but I see that some of this is just your own opinion. If I want a scarf, I'm gonna let him have the damn Scarf. But I will take your advice.

Quote from Kamiroo Wolf
Don't dismiss this as mere opinion. All you show us by doing that is that you're not willing to make the big changes that are necessary.


It also happens to be "opinion" that Michelangelo was a good sculptor. I mean, art is definably a subjective work based around opinions -- opinions of those who are more experienced/opinions of a majority of people tend to be the major factors in deciding the quality of art. Writing = art. I keep trying to convey that the wRHG is not just an "RP" in the true sense -- it is writing, albeit in an unusual medium.

Naj, I legit glazed over trying to read your (unchanged) backstory. I've tried 4 times to finish this tiny piece and make sense of what it says, but cannot do so without entering my vacant death stare.

My opinion about scarves being edgy AF? HAHahahhaahaha. No. Ask ANYONE on this site with any reputation/seniority if scarves are edgy. Answer will always be YES. See, I'm not talking about someone that wears a scarf with their jacket because it's actually cold and they legit want to keep their neck warm. I'm talking about people who wear scarves for no reason, especially ones that "randomly disappear."

CnC is ALWAYS opinion unless I happen to cite the laws of English grammar and literary mechanics. These "opinions" however are based off of the centuries of craftsmanship that have gone into creating what we now call "English literature." If you don't want opinions, then you are going to just doing the same thing as before...just more politely.

Sure, it's just my opinion. Did you stop to consider that my opinion might be pretty damn good right now?

You can keep your char as it is, if you are content with that. I had hoped you could do better. I would prefer if you proved me right in hoping this.
PitchEnder
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Nov 25, 2017 10:51 PM #1485927
I'm back to comment on the weaknesses because, sadly, I think this is another swing and a miss.

Quote from New Weaknesses
- He isn't invincible and his body isn't durable as to be immune to sharp edges, and although his regeneration may cover this human-like flaw, Clout has very low stamina. This is why he likes to finish off his battles as quick as possible.
- With his agility, in Gate Breaker form, he can predict and dodge maybe 1 bullet or 2. But something like a rapid firing machine gun/turrent? No. Any weapon or harmful ability outspeeding Clout with rapid like speeds will take a toll on him.
- Aremediate Gems: Like the Ozaru Crystals (As shown in the Demo), these Gems have different types and forms depending on the beast it contains. Furthermore, all Aremediate Gems originate from Galair, and although this might not be a direct weakness to Clout,
he has to deal with these enemies daily. He can barely defeat some of them, and it might take even 2 hours to defeat one depending on what type of beast it is. The only reason why the Aremediate Gems are on earth is because Galairians reside on Earth, and some of them are only on Earth because some Orkanaics reside their as well. Ozaru Crystals are just 1 time of Aremediate Gem.


Weakness 1: Again, the first part of this sentence is a given weakness and it is nullified for the most part by his regeneration ability. The "low stamina" part doesn't really make sense to me either. Isn't he supposed to be a part of a really good warrior race? Wouldn't a warrior need some good stamina in order to be a good warrior? Also, he has enhanced speed so he shouldn't have a problem stopping things quickly.

Weakness 2: This is actually a strength since not being able to dodge bullets is a given weakness. Here, it says he can actually dodge bullets... but not a lot of them at once... I don't see how this is a weakness... He can still dodge bullets.

Weakness 3: What even is this weakness? It wouldn't be applicable in a battle at all unless you expect us to either A) have your character fight one before the battle to make him weak or B) Have one randomly appear mid fight. This just seems like more odd story dribble rather than an actual weakness.

EDIT:

Quote from Alph

I'm talking about people who wear scarves for no reason, especially ones that "randomly disappear."


Wait what?

Quote from Clout
his scarf randomly disappears as well.


WHAT?

Image
Najenda
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Nov 25, 2017 11:31 PM #1485929
Quote from PitchEnder
I'm back to comment on the weaknesses because, sadly, I think this is another swing and a miss.



Weakness 1: Again, the first part of this sentence is a given weakness and it is nullified for the most part by his regeneration ability. The "low stamina" part doesn't really make sense to me either. Isn't he supposed to be a part of a really good warrior race? Wouldn't a warrior need some good stamina in order to be a good warrior?


Well yeah, you *do* need good Stamina. But he hasn't trained with his race, they had specialized training. That's what Tekashi got and he had finally gotten his Gate Breaker form (especially since he was gifted more than Jesus Christ himself), and even though you could just say "But Najenda, Clout got his at 10" that was a MISTAKE. The way Clout and Tekashi get their Gate Breakers are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Tekashi doesn't have a good stamina reserve because 1. Yes, training on your own can significantly improve your skill, and how energy preservant you are in battle. But even then, Clout just doesn't have enough. There hasn't been 1 single battle where he didn't try to hide from his enemies, like the Aresax's from the Ozaru Crystals (Aremediate Gems). He has to hide in caves in order to keep away until he gets his energy back, this isn't like DBZ where you take damage and then you automatically get healed with a sensu bean. Yes, #3 wasn't really a weakness but I didn't really see how this could fit in any other selection. Btw, #2 I didn't really mean "dodge bullets", that's my fault. I meant he's able to sense what a person is going to do before he does it in a split second so he can at least take cover, he can't really do a matrix flipshit and *avoid* the bullet. So I'll edit that, sorry for my mistake there.

Quote from Alphaeus


Naj, I legit glazed over trying to read your (unchanged) backstory.


Well I'm not really changing the backstory, I'm pretty sure I cut out a few lines? Or was that the other one... Idk. But I don't really want to change that.
I changed his age, and I changed the whole "Guardian of Earth" praisement. That really wasn't needed regardless (as in having those weren't needed and didn't make sense so I took them out)
If you're talking about the story of Clout instead of the Orkana race backstory, I *did* change that a tiny bit. I don't think I changed the Orkana one... I gotta check again e.e

Also, you and Alph pretty much ignored everything else I edited. Just to let you know, I *did* change the Orkana race and Clout's backstory as I've checked again.

As a final note, Alph said "This is just like what you did before... Just more polite" no, that's only 1 comment I made. I didn't really know how much you guys were familiar with scarves relating to edgyness, I thought it was just a cool thing for him to wear.
So that's why I edited it as: "IS NOT WORN FOR BATTLE" If any of you actually looked at the edit before you made your comment. I've said at least 5 time, INCLUDING in my signature that the CnC's are appreciated, I just didn't know what Kamiroo meant by the whole scarf thing. Personally, I don't think it's edgy. It's actually an inspiration from Zetabrand.

Anyways, thanks guys. Edited the character. Hopefully you like it in the longhaul and if there's anymore flaws.... Well, I'm pretty sure you're too tired of this already. Sorry to disappoint you Alph, but I'll be keeping this character. <3
Alphaeus
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Nov 25, 2017 11:56 PM #1485930
I didn't ignore what you edited -- the changes to powers were good, but generally speaking the focus of my CnC is on what the person likely doesn't realize isn't good. That said, your edits in the other areas were so minor as to be of little difference in the scheme of what I said.

Either way, of note is that this is your char, so do it however you please. I'm frank and bold with CnC, but I say what needs to be said in order to improve. My words are (GOD"S FUCKING PREACHED TRUTH) not binding in any way.

It is my goal for everyone to be able to produce their best work as soon as possible and improve as quickly as possible. Sometimes things are better learned in stages over time, however, so don't worry too much.

As to the scarf, like I said -- I have nothing against scarves. I wear them a ton personally when it is the right season. It's just the whole feel of the purple scarf on black suit (or jumpsuit) think that comes across as edgy. But whatever.
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