You will need

COFFEE
A KETTLE
A TAP
WATER
A CUP
SUGAR

One, put your water in the kettle, let it boil, you should hear a high pitched whistle, DO NOT SHIT BRICKS. This is supposed to happen, and is probably not middle eastern people bombing. In the unlikely case that it is, pick up a machine gun, kill them all, and go '' Yippie kay aye mother****er ''

While this is happening, put one tea-spoonful of coffee and one teaspoonful of sugar into the cup. If your cup for some reason explodes or turns into a black hole, smoke a cigar and ponder over the existence of life while stroking your beard. If you have no beard, ponder over why you do not have one of these awesome mother****ers.

When the kettle is ready, pour the water into the cup, and stir. If for some reason your skin burns off while doing this leaving your hand a skeletal monstrosity, sharpen the edges of your fingers so you can stab people with your hands.

Wait and let it cool off, then drink it and enjoy. If for some reason, the coffee is unsatisfactory, **** off and die you bastard, this is coffee and you best be liking that shit because its honest to ballsack glorious.