In general, your work seems to be all over the place in terms of description, with little focus on the bits that matter. There are for example, parts that could be omitted because they serve no relevance to the plot like the shop scene in the beginning.
Well, the shop scene just served to show that Sebastian had acquired the Kalis
There were also parts in which you attempted to subvert the above by just putting parts in for the shallowest of reasons or for the sake of pushing the plot. It would seem that Bodacious' spear fishing in the beginning only existed so that readers become familiar with his appearance later on. For no reason. It would also seem that Sebastian's craving for chocolate was merely a means for him to go somewhere and do something else. There must be another thing triggering that desire. Perhaps, the fear of losing and dying or the need or want to battle. Anything but just chocolate.
Indeed, I should have emphasized more on the fact that he was nervous about this fight, since he had a good idea of how dangerous the opponent was. The chocolate was just something to somewhat calm him down.
Instead of needless clutter or just making one sentence descriptions ("In that freezing weather I happily ran my way to the wRHG building."), you could maybe expound on them at least. How cold is it? How long has it been blowing/snowing? How would you describe this building and the lake nearby? And this may just be a personal thing but a Kali is a pretty uncommon weapon. It should be in your bio yes, but a little description wouldn't hurt. What does it look like? Any distinct features? How does it wield? You'd be amazed how description can easily make the environment more entertaining and relevant.
Actually, in Sebastian's bio, it only mentions the fact that aside from hand to hand combat, he also knows how to wield weapons. I'll edit that.
And my idea with the Kalis was to show that they were simple, but I guess I made them too simple. I'll take note of that.
I have an issue with Sebastian's character. Says in the bio that he's supposed to be calm and laid-back. He came from an aristocratic family so he must at least know some manners. Externally that seems to be the case but why would he be so quick to judge if he's being judged. Isn't he being just a little bit paranoid...?
I just failed to show that that was just a simple suspicion, though I was a bit too quick in showing that he was suspicious.
Also, some of your text sound pretentious. Like, you will mention something, at the expense of another in order to assure the reader that's what you meant. Here's an example.
- I won’t use it. Out of respect. – I immediately stated, as if I wanted to make her sure of something – Also, I’m sorry.
We should be able to figure out that Sebastian is trying to be honorable in his battle. There was no need to add that bolded part as it sort of killed the mood. It's like, trying to explain a joke just after you've told it. Don't you just hate people who do that hahah.
Yes, they are a bit annoying XD
Noted.
Thank you for taking the time to analyze this awful piece of writing that I made. I have noted my own mistakes, and thanks to you, I am now aware of a few more. Hopefully, the next battle I write won't be as bad as this : )
