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Arvine Callahan (Triss) vs Zeus (kingkickass2013)

Started by: Triss | Replies: 16 | Views: 2,005

Triss
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Mar 4, 2013 1:58 PM #903917
KKA, I make a new thread since the story have overlimit the max characters.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, I rushing a little bit, so I'm sorry too for bad quality work.
Please enjoy the stories!

Arvine:http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?51261-wRHG-Arvine-the-Dragon-Mage

Zeus:http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?52177-Zeus-the-immortal-king-(third-times-the-charm-)

Arvine's Story (Click to Show)

[SPOILER= Zeus The Immortal king]THE MYSTERIOUS BOY

(Zeus sits upon the throne of his new kingdom, the birds can be heard chirping outside and the townsfolk are happy in their new village nearby their kingdom)

"Ah a long day it has been, ROYAL ADVISERS! come here and tell me what I can do for the rest of the day." (Zeus)

Two Cloaked men arrive through the large wooden doors and stand before the king. One being old and the other being young.

"My lord, there is a large spire forming in the distance filled with evil creatures, we should take a couple footmen to go and vanquish this great evil." (The old adviser)
"No, but I will stop those evil creatures later when I'm not so bored." (Zeus)
"There is a magician in the middle of town, he is said to have many spells and is really making a lot of money off of it." (The young adviser)
"Hmm lets go see this magician, SOLDIERS BRING ME MY SWORD AND SHIELD!" (Zeus)
"Your not planning on killing this man, are you my lord?" (The young adviser)
"No, I shall see if this man knows combat and can use his magic to fight." (Zeus says with a smile)

The king stands up from his throne and walks outside through the halls of his new kingdom, he opens the door that leads to the blinding world outside, his eyes adjusted to see all the commoners at the center of the village.

Zeus walks into the new village nearby his kingdom and see's bolts of lightning being fired from the center of town, the bolts made a loud thunderous crackle as it hit the clouds, Then moments later Zeus heard his village people cheering in amazement.

Zeus walked to this mystery boy and watched as the commoners gave him the gold they use in the village and money used in the cities nearby, the magician started speaking to Zeus.

"Ah it looks like the leader of this village is here, did the stunning display of my power intrigue you any? because it has certainly won over the villagers." (the mystery man)
"Huh, I expected a much older person." (Zeus says with disappointment)
"Yeah, so did you find my display of power intriguing." (Arvine)
"Oh I have, and thou's power looks as though it is used in combat." (Zeus)
"Yes? What is the reason you ask?" (The mystery man)
"I was pondering if you could do battle with me upon the morrow, I'm sure the villagers would love to see their king fight this magical boy, AM I RIGHT MY PEOPLE!" (Zeus)
"YES!" (the crowd of people who formed around this mysterious man)
"Well OK then by the way, what is your name, my name is Arvine." (Arvine)
"Zeus is the name, but I am often called The King by the commoners, we shall fight at my royal training room, it will not only be the perfect place to fight, but it will teach my foot soldiers how to handle in combat against magical foes." (Zeus)
"This will be great chance to show your people who's the real king." (Arvine says with a smirk)

Zeus looks at Arvine angrily but at the same with a smile.

"Also, you wouldn't happen to be a Forsaken, would you?" (Arvine)
"If I say yes would it make the battle be much more entertaining to the people?" (Zeus)
"I will take that as a no." (Arvine)
"Would you like a home in this village, or perhaps a room to stay in at the Inn?" (Zeus)
"I have enough gold to buy myself a room at the Inn." (Arvine)


THE DARKNESS IS COMING

(Zeus lies awaiting his foe in the training room, it has a hard wooden floor with the symbol of their kingdom in the middle of it, with the village people watching from the left side and the soldiers standing
_Ai_
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Mar 4, 2013 2:47 PM #903963
You two are doing better now. Good job. But my vote goes to Triss.

Zeus is quite arrogant...
Loki
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Mar 4, 2013 4:52 PM #904057
Just a note, put the name of the character before the speech in a screenplay fashion if that is what you are doing. In my opinion, it cleans it up a little and makes it easier to read.
kingkickass2013

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Mar 4, 2013 11:55 PM #904359
Hey you got my character almost perfect, a little too arrogant and stupid but the combat sense of him was perfect, he seems rather distrusting, would you explain?

Also about my story, did I get your characters personality down correctly, or did I mess up completely.




Also Triss that's not bad quality work, in your eyes maybe, but it beauty lies within the eyes of the beholder. I say it looks great.
Bladed Fire
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Mar 5, 2013 12:55 AM #904413
Oh no why Triss got banned again, and kingkickass, you really improved alot! I vote for you for improving so much :p
kingkickass2013

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Mar 6, 2013 12:47 AM #905418
Hey Triss you really gotta stop with the spam, its starting to get annoying.

Its gotten you banned twice, and now you can't answer my question. *sad face*.


Hmm seems I am outnumbered by 1 person in votes, I don't even know the Avalon guy.
Triss
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Mar 6, 2013 11:02 AM #905924
Quote from Hewitt
I haven't gotten around to reading stuff around here cos of my schedule. But for now, I just like to say that script-style dialogue is really something you should grow out of fast. It's not that it's a bad thing for beginners, but you shouldn't get used to it unless you're writing a screenplay of sorts, and even at that it shouldn't be done so lazily.

With that said, I immediately notice a two things:

1) Script style doesn't give you an excuse to describe absolutely nothing else. I see people running in, joining the convo, running out, switching around. Then an event happens. Where are they? What's going on? What's this guy doin' when he's not talking?

2) When a character is speaking again he doesn't need to be quoted twice. For example:



This is weird. Can't you just dedicate one paragraph of action Zeus does in between words of his quotation? And if you're going to do it like this, why even have it script style at all. This is why I hate it. It gives you an excuse to handhold the reader and in the end they get a shitty experience.

.....okay, I will change my text writing style.

EDIT: KKA, I write him like that because I RUSHED.
I don't have enough time with writing his story and my school life (it's crazy)
kingkickass2013

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Mar 6, 2013 6:58 PM #906324
I'm so far not liking the looks of where this is heading. I see a future where Triss has like 9 more votes, that future is terrifying me so far. You all remember my last failure at Junmax right it was hilariously sad, 7 to nothing.

P.S. I am not complaining, its not about the win its about the fun, but I have foreseen the future.

Also Triss I'm still awaiting the answer on how I did with your characters personality.
Xate
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Mar 10, 2013 9:33 AM #910341
...Triss's... is kinda... well... not as good as kingkickingass's...
But only a small margin. I guess I see what you meant by "bad quality". Well Triss, you lost your vote. But good luck next time.
PS: It looks like the score's 50-50 now.
Bladed Fire
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Mar 10, 2013 9:38 AM #910344
I think their quality are the same because Triss rushed and have shorter story. I hope Triss win though.
Triss
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Mar 10, 2013 11:56 AM #910416
Quote from GamerXD8
...Triss's... is kinda... well... not as good as kingkickingass's...
But only a small margin. I guess I see what you meant by "bad quality". Well Triss, you lost your vote. But good luck next time.
PS: It looks like the score's 50-50 now.

Nuuuuu why u vote ;u;
Well, I guess you win some, you lose some.
Also bladed if you wish me to win vote for me XP
kingkickass2013

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Mar 10, 2013 8:59 PM #910997
Unless somebody pulls a quick vote for me, I have lost.

Oddly I was expecting you to have 9 more votes than me, Triss.



EDIT: By the way Triss why are you complaining, its not about the win remember its about the fun of writing the story.

EDIT A SECOND TIME: Well looks like we are even again.

EDIT A THIRD TIME: WOW A TIE

EDIT A FOURTH TIME: Good game Triss, you fought well and I seriously thought you were gonna win, I will rematch you when I feel I am good enough (because I seriously know whats gonna happen when you don't rush).
Xate
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Mar 12, 2013 3:39 PM #912935
Hm... A tie. That's better than losing right, Triss? Plus, you even considered your work "bad quality" too. So there's no shame in a tie.
Avalon
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Mar 13, 2013 9:14 AM #913791
Quote from kingkickass2013
Hey Triss you really gotta stop with the spam, its starting to get annoying.

Its gotten you banned twice, and now you can't answer my question. *sad face*.


Hmm seems I am outnumbered by 1 person in votes, I don't even know the Avalon guy.

Sorry for long comment.
I am Avalon, it's normal if you don't know me because I'm not a very active member, and no I'm not a guy.
kingkickass2013

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Mar 13, 2013 7:49 PM #914194
Well now I know everybody who played in the voting games, now lets stop commenting on this thread for the battle is over and done with.
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