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wRHG Tournament R1: Todesberührung (Shadowkirby) vs Chance (Chamel)

Started by: Hewitt | Replies: 14 | Views: 2,951

Hewitt

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Jul 8, 2013 4:03 PM #1029289
2nd Battle for Round 1 is up! Here are the Stipulations:

Setting:
Spoiler (Click to Show)
ndoned automated slaughterhouse has just been sitting in the middle of this frozen wasteland for centuries. Until now. In this battleground, the inhabitants and workers have since left or deserted all operations and yet somehow, its tireless AI still works the animals there to death. Bodies of pigs, cows, and chickens messily litter the scene as pools of both wet AND dry blood are stored in vats all over the facility. Other than that, it's your standard factory with conveyor belts, narrow walkways, and machinery.

Oh yeah, and the workers once tried rebelling against the Mother AI of the plant, causing a huge explosion in the west wing...bringing quite the icy breeze into the facility, doubling it as a refrigerator unit. Power is shot and will occasionally flicker to life but not enough to sustain heat from within the factory.[/spoiler]

Handicap: Chance (Chamel) can control blood...which the factory is thriving with. It's also freezing...which Todesberührung (Shadowkirby) is weak to.

Antes :
***Antes are Extra Challenges that add twice the points wagered if successfully pulled off. They come in 3 Flavors (Easy Medium Hard). No two participants can have the same kind of Ante.

Shadowkirby has initiated a Medium Ante: In addition to beating Chance, Todesberührung must also take on the Factory's Rogue AI (who will try to kill both competitors) and disable or destroy it.

Chamel has initiated an Easy Ante: During the battle, Chance's bi-curious sexual orientation must be explored, including why or how he is that way. Todesberührung must be made aware of this fact.

Bonus for this Round: Early Bird / First to Post their entry

Scoring:
- Votes are worth 5 pts. each.
- CNC-ing an entry gives you 10 pts. Detailed ones get an extra 5 pts. Maximum 3 CnCs per participant.
- Bonus for the Round is 20 pts.
- Fulfilled Antes give 10, 20, 30 pts. and lost 5, 10, 15 pts if failed depending on difficulty
- Judge's Blessing gives 15 points if entry caught the Judge's eye.

Here are the entries:

Todesberührung[spoiler=Shadowkirby's Entry][CENTER]Date: June 30th, 2025, 11:34 PM

“Congratulations newcomers and latecomers alike! You have just pledged your entrance fee of... your lives!”

That was the last he heard, he can still hear his voice echo within the vacant mind, then there was a flash, a sudden burst of light came, and he didn't time it right to see what caused it. Everything else was an outright blur, a fog of mystery that has hidden the answers he needed to understand, a feeble memory flying away like snow in the winds....
Our unlikely protagonist, Todesberührung, or Deathtouch, has awaken from his dreamless unconsciousness, only to reveal himself to be somewhere on an unknown frigid tundra in a middle of a heavy blizzard. Blanketed with endless snow, all he sees is the everlasting field of white sleet. Todesberührung, with limited eye vision due to losing his right eye to a bullet which caused his death, couldn't see through the endless rain of snowflakes, it has shrouded his only vision to identify his surroundings. All until then, he catches a faint and distant figure through the snowfall; seeing no other places around him to provide some sort of shelter, he ventured on to the mysterious building in hopes to find answers, the only thing that has evaded from him since the start.
The blizzard has begun to diminish as Todesberührung came closer to the shrouded structure, only to reveal as an abandoned slaughterhouse; the exterior of the factory is worn and rusted, the windows are cracked and fogged, and bordering the area are frozen decayed limbs and bodies, robot pieces and screws, and miscellaneous items, mostly buried within the snow of the frozen wasteland.

What has happened here? he thought.

This place is unknown to him, and if this is some kind of an ideal location for him to fight his competitor, then the Host has another thing coming. Todesberührung is unsure of himself if he should even enter the factory, noticing that it has been left untouched for years, but if the Host wants him to enter in order to achieve victory, then he has no choice but to enter. Before reaching to the handle of the door, he can faintly hear machines being operated within, not only that, he hears somebody within the premises. Hoping to get this “round” over with, he set foot within the interior of the factory.
He followed a bloody hallway with rotting corpses lying on either the floor or against the wall; there must be some kind of massacre occurring, and his opponent must be a crazed gladiator who's joy is to slaughter the innocent minds that are left working here. This theory seems implausible in which the factory was abandoned years ago, and the bodies are decaying with flies and maggots feasting on their flesh. He did see robot parts scattered around, so it's possible that a revolt has happened here before. Now this theory makes sense once he thought about it.
Todesberührung finally arrives in the main base of the factory; robotic butchers are seeing cleaving, gutting, and skinning animals carelessly, and stashing them onto conveyor belts that leads to another spot in the factory. Catwalks are seen above the robots and the machinery, hencing that there were once guards that watch a close eye on the workers, making sure that they don't either poison or possibly start a fight. Fresh blood drips from the conveyor belts as they make new stains onto the cold, blood-stained concrete floor; mercilessly chopping away as the robots were intended to do was a horrific sight.
Todesberührung searches around for his opponent so he can put a quick end to the round, then he heard some commotion up on the catwalk; a man in a classy tuxedo is evading attacks from a rogue robot, which it was attacking. He has seen this man before back at the warehouse, he seems to care less about the serious, yet life-threatening situation and just laughs it off, always smiling and chuckling, like a clown of some sort. He is seen telepathically pulling fresh blood from one of the vats stored under him and made himself a polearm-like weapon.

“Is that the best you can do? When's the last time you were oiled?” the red-haired man chuckled.

His eye caught the sight of Todesberührung watching them fight.

“Hey there, it's about time you've finally showed up. Heheh... I've been waiting around this dreadful place for you to come until this bucket of bolts appeared rogue and slashed at me, and now that you've shown up, we should introduce ourselves! But first...”

He hesitates and trips the robot, then using the blood from the vats to lower himself down. He then smiled and introduced himself.

“My name, good sir, is Chance Downtown. Most people call me Fox, but I'd prefer to be called by my first name.”

Chance skims the undead for a bit, circling him around to get a better glimpse of Todesberührung. He kept a cautious eye on Chance to make sure he's not about to trick him. Chance then recognizes who he is and chuckled a bit.

“I see, you must be the infamous undead known for its touch of Death, what was the name again? Todes... Teedos... eermm.... gosh, it's hard to remember considering how long and complicated your name is,” Chance laughed.

“Wait... I got it!” he exclaimed. “It's Todesberührung! Now I remember!” Chance continued chuckling.

He finished chuckling, then continued chatting. He seems to appear more of a chatterbox and a fighter, but that's not going to let his guard down.

“It is an honor fighting a powerful zombie like yourself, especially the one whom everybody is chasing after! I'm quite thrilled, sir, but I am going off-topic. Since this is a tournament, I will tend to do my best to take you down to advance to the next round. It's my only purpose here, so I apologize for once we duel, I have to retire you from ever fighti-”

Chance was suddenly interrupted when Todesberührung set his hand onto his left should and rapidly threw him aside just in time when the rogue AI leaps onto him, landing the cleaver into his head. Todesberührung grabbed the robot and threw it across the factory, landing against the other working robots. The undead reached for the implanted hatchet that is lodged within his head, and slowly pulls it out; the wound that the hatchet dealt slowly healed up, but not noticing that Chance had the opportunity to strike him with his blood-made polearm. Using his instincts, he barely escapes the weapon, making a big cut on his side. He then dodges another swing from Chance, then takes a few steps back from him.

“My, you're quite fun to challenge, sir. I would applaud to your efforts in evading my attacks, but you see, I'm not quite done yet,” Chance chuckled before proceeding his barrage of attacks.

The AI rises back up to its feet and grabs the closest weapon he can hold; a meat-hook. It then charges at the zombie with rapid speed. Todesberührung sees both AI and Chance launching their assault against him and, at the precise second, he narrowly moves away from the middle as the two clash; the AI gored Chance's right shoulder while he knocks the robot back as he uses the polearm to push it away. They both collapse to the ground as Todesberührung ran somewhere around the facility; Chance got up, chuckling feebly, and cautiously pulls the meat-hook out of him.

“Heh... this guys... smarter than I thought...”

Chance skims his surrounding and there was no sign of Todesberührung; he must have hid himself somewhere, but he hasn't gone far enough. Chance quickly got up to his feet, holding the wound and struggling to get himself off the ground. The crisp air isn't aiding his wound at the slightest, each breath of wind sends his nerve cells wild; his own blood trickles down from his tuxedo, soaking in the fabrics. Despite his pain, he's still smiling, hoping that once this is over, he'll receive medical care from the Host, if he does hopefully. Unbeknownst to him, the AI has already left, possibly searching for the walking dead.
Todesberührung goes through hallways to other rooms, seeing an animal farm; pigs, cows, and chickens are seen freezing in the cold, some are bony and thin with barely any sufficient meat. A sad sight to say since this place was abandoned, no one cared to save the animals that were slaughtered in the hand of the AIs. Todesberührung ventured forth and came across the West Wing of the slaughterhouse; the wreckage is blanketed in snow; caused by the blizzard outside. It's doubling the refrigerating unit, making the whole factory freezing cold, which isn't good, even for him. Even though he can't feel the chill, ice or anything crystallized can be a big disadvantage for him.
He continued on and stumbled across a staircase, up to the second floor of the slaughterhouse. As he's about to climb, the AI leaps on to his back, bashing his head with a crowbar it found. Todesberührung struggled to remove the robot off, grabbing the head of the AI, then threw it off. It quickly got back to its feet and swung at him. Todesberührung barely misses the swings the AI is dealing as he ascends up the stairs.
Chance examined his surroundings in hopes in finding Todesberührung. He's slowly getting weaker by the minute since the cold air slowly inflicts the wound on his shoulder.

“Where could he be...?” he thought.

He searched thoroughly, hoping that he doesn't jump on him out of any suspicious hiding places.

“Come out, come out, whereever you are!~” Chance sang. “You can't hide forever.”

Chance then hears a disturbance upstairs, he peeked and saw Todesberührung fighting against the AI. He seems to be preoccupied in dodging its attacks that he never notices Chance from below. Both fought onto a hanging catwalk, hovering over big vats of blood; the same place that Chance fought against the AI.

“That is surely some irony I'm watching, but why wait?”

Chance liquefies his polearm into a small javelin, light enough to fly far in an accurate rate. He carefully observes their fight, watching where they're fighting, in hopes of striking at the dead man. He closes his left eye to earn an accurate shot, and patiently waits for the right moment. Todesberührung pushes back the AI from him to give himself some room. He hasn't been using his Death Touch ability yet, and possibly saving it as a last resort; no need to waste it.
At the perfect moment, Chance sought his chance and threw the javelin at Todesberührung, nailing him right at the knee. The crystallized blood javelin has weakened the undead, causing him to fall to his knee. Chance shout out in excitement as he caught him in a weak position.

“Haha!! Gotcha!” he exclaimed, then heads towards the stairs to finish him off.

The AI got back up, once again, and deals a blow to the head, knocking Todesberührung down on the catwalk. Chance finally reached up to the catwalk and observes the scene in front of him. It wouldn't be fair if the AI killed him, so Chance took the matters in his own hands and conjured a quarterstaff from collecting blood from the vats below. The AI notices Chance coming and strike him across the face, knocking out his tooth.

“Ouch... you know that hurts...” Chance smiled as he spat out blood.

As the AI got closer the Chance, he transformed the quarterstaff into small crystallized spikes and launched at it. The spikes burrowed deep within the robot, causing to malfunction, while Todesberührung pulled the javelin out from his kneecap. The wound regenerated and, from behind the AI, he pierced the javelin into the robot's head. Malfunctioning and shaking, the AI threw itself off the catwalk, falling into one of the vats of blood; the electricity from the AI caused the blood to burst into flames.
Chance got up and sees Todesberührung, standing and glaring, which got him to abruptly chuckle.

“You have really outdone yourself, fine sir! Truly, a wonderful performance you have done! I must say that you are truly bold. I'd applaud in your efforts, well done.” Chance smiled and applauded for him.

“Although,” Chance added, “since we've only taken care of the robot, we still haven't finished our battle. So, if you would ever so kindly, let us continue, and may the best man... or undead, win.”

The two stared each other off, and the fight continued. From under, Chance conjured spikes from the vats, and launched them up to the catwalk, right where Todesberührung is standing. He quickly moves away from them as Chance got closer to him. He forms the blood into an axe and swings wildly at Todesberührung. He fought back by dealing two heavy punches to the face and chest, knocking some of the wind out of him. Chance coughs and laughs as he sees him at the end of the catwalk.

“You fight bravely, but I don't think you can take me down like that. Look around you, there's blood everywhere, and once there's blood, I have full advantage against you! This is clearly my match to begin with! I'm sorry to say that you have clearly lost this round, and as for that, let's end this!”

He then charges at the undead in full speed, leaping over the spikes he made. Todesberührung looked around for some way to halt his attack, then realize that he's on the catwalk, if he can take it down, it will throw off Chance. So Todesberührung positioned himself and hangs his Death Hand in front of him. Chance stopped running and viewed his bizarre position.

“Todesberührung, mind if I ask what are you planning to do...?” he questioned.

He looks at Chance with his always deadpan expression, then answered.

“Winning.”

Todesberührung strikes his Death Hand down on the catwalk, causing to rust and break in front of him. The bars that are supporting the catwalk grew weak and brittle to hold it up, causing it to casually tilt and fall. Chance sprints back and attempts to reach for the stairs, but ends u
Rochedan

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Jul 8, 2013 5:46 PM #1029355
"official" CnC on Shadowkirby's story (Todesberührung): (Click to Show)


EDIT: Who is haihaikami9000? valid voter?
saintmccaw

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Jul 9, 2013 1:35 AM #1029648
Chamel: I really like your story for a multitude of reasons. One, I like how your character is multi dimensional and you opened him up.... somewhat (a critique would be that you could have been alittle bit more tact with it, and I feel that you could have really kicked ass if you paid more detail to that part because that ante for you was a plus.) Your flow was unstoppable, carried momentum well, and I feel that you possess a very important trait that The Organization also has; You portray the other character very well. For all these reasons, you snagged my vote. However, I am just saying that either one of two things happened. Either, like me, you use word and one push of the enter/return button and on the forum it doesnt amount to an actual enter. It is hard to describe, but since you since with some things it fell off and you started a new paragraph below it I think you didn't intend for that. Or! You simple enter shift like I did. Either way, I really don't give a damn but it can really kill a story for some people to read one paragraph for too long. Good job, dude.

Shadowkirby... Rochedan really covered most of my grievances about commas and such. However, I believe that your story was pretty good too. Some sentences seemed alittle meandering/ odd. An example would be: "The Dovahkiin jumped up into the air as a machine flipped on and gave a forceful kick to his stomach." To me, whenever 'as' and 'and' come together, it creates some sort of a speed bump and makes me stop, reread, and then continue. It is simply too much information too quickly. A better example would be using adjectives to cushion the transition between different actions. "The Dovahkiin jumped into the air gracefully as a machine flipped on, delivering a painful, swift, menacing kick to his stomach." It just makes it sound alittle bit better and gives readers a moment to completely understand the situation. However, after a reread or two I found your story to be great. Unfortunately, because of the rereads and some parts of your style... I just had to side with chance. Luckily, all the fights in the tournament so far have been close and this is certainly no exception. Keep it up, you are a pretty good author.
blakphoenix
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Jul 9, 2013 4:59 PM #1030289
Both of these stories were quite entertaining to read, but my vote is going to our little underdog Chamel.

Shadowkirby: I was enjoying your story and how you portrayed the environment at the beginning. It was once the A.I fight popped up that I feel your story suffered slightly. I think that without this particular Ante you could have made an amazing story. Also there was not enough build up and suspense for me, personally, so I felt your battle started and ended a bit too quickly much like what Rochedan said (He kinda covered everything). Regardless, I can see why your opponent was given the upper hand in this battle; you've got some skills yo!

Chamel: Nice. I enjoyed your portrayal of the battle setting as well. I really enjoyed how you used the occasional power surge to flicker lights on and off for suspense. Everything was going great until you got to your Ante too. It was handled well, I just felt like it was an "Ok children, it's time for Storytime!" kind of addition. I would have liked it more seamlessly woven into your story, but other than that it was great!
Shadowkirby
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Jul 9, 2013 5:48 PM #1030319
Why do I get the feeling that the odds are now against me?
Hewitt

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Jul 10, 2013 2:05 AM #1030529
Quote from Rochedan
EDIT: Who is haihaikami9000? valid voter?


Anyone can vote in this, not just participants. He might be a lurker for all we know.
Shadowkirby
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Jul 10, 2013 6:29 AM #1030736
Shadowkirby: 0%
Chamel: 6%


Shadowkirby: 0%


0%


Image


To be honest, I have never, and I mean NEVER, earned this less votes ever! Just looking at the zero percentage is like somebody forcing a spear through my heart and have me violently exploded into a billion bloody pieces. There's no way I'm losing that bad!

Rochedan, I admire your CnC, but your criticism has torn my entry limb from limb!! Everyone looks up to your criticism, and immediately votes for Chamel. I fear that if this keeps going with every battle, I might lose all respect and dignity from everybody. I know I'm overreacting, but shit man, you would feel the same way if you earned exactly NO votes at all, no matter how hard you tried! I know I have lost a few times before, but at least I had votes, at least I had somebody supporting me, this time it feels like NOBODY'S supporting me. This is only the first round, and already I'm losing BIG time!

I'm just... j-just... I- I can't-

Image

If anyone needs me, I'll be somewhere dark and depressing, while being infested with spiders.
Xate
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Jul 10, 2013 6:40 AM #1030743
Oh, that's right. I forgot about this impact: One person's CnC can affect other people's view on the work. And I'll add mine later. (I still haven't voted)
Hewitt

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Jul 10, 2013 7:10 AM #1030763
Quote from Shadowkirby
I'm just... j-just... I- I can't-


I cannot comment on the entries themselves yet, however it's just been discovered that 2 of Chamel's voters are the same person! They have been banned for attempting to tag-team you. Even if it is just a misunderstanding and they are different people, I cannot allow their votes without reason. Therefore, those 2 pts will not count on Chamel's side.
Rochedan

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Jul 10, 2013 7:23 AM #1030770
Quote from Shadowkirby
Image

Rochedan, I admire your CnC, but your criticism has torn my entry limb from limb!! Everyone looks up to your criticism, and immediately votes for Chamel.


It´s easy to CnC on somebodies mistakes rather than the things they did good. I just tried to give you my opinion on your story so that you could improve your next ones.
It´s pretty childish of you to start blaming it on me for your 0%. I mean, I don't think anybody reads comments before reading the entries/voting. Perhaps I might have put you in a bad perspective or anything. But if Chamel's story also had "flaws" that I could spot then I would have CnC on that too.
ErrorBlender
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Jul 10, 2013 3:58 PM #1030972
I liked both but Chamel's did describe everything more thoroughly and I could have imagined things much better in his. Both were excellent pieces of work and I really enjoyed each of them.

In ShadowKirby's work, I could see Chance's ingenuity with the use of the blood around him and and detail in the factory. The story plot was simple and the battle did pretty well with everything in it. How Todesberührung won was realistic of him and I liked how it went around.

In Chamel's work, I loved how the atmosphere was played out. How Chance used the vats of blood but I felt that Todesberührung could have done a lot worse to Chance. Either way, the battle was good and I liked the story that came with it due to the Ante.
The Organization
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Jul 10, 2013 8:45 PM #1031108
I'm focusing on story structure for the both of you, since the both of you have pretty good writing skills and grammar.
Shadowkirby: The main problem was that there was way to much exposition. While it maybe necessary to explain why things are happening mid-story, an over abundance of exposition consistently drops the reader out of the story and makes it harder to suspend disbelief. It also makes it harder to read.
Quote from Shadowkirby

He followed a bloody hallway with rotting corpses lying on either the floor or against the wall; there must be some kind of massacre occurring, and his opponent must be a crazed gladiator who's joy is to slaughter the innocent minds that are left working here. This theory seems implausible in which the factory was abandoned years ago, and the bodies are decaying with flies and maggots feasting on their flesh. He did see robot parts scattered around, so it's possible that a revolt has happened here before. Now this theory makes sense once he thought about it.

Had you stopped before the bolded section and either added more description, allowing the reader to come up with these assumptions themselves, it would have them become more engaged in the text.
If you were trying to outline Todes' thought process then use of italics or thought quotations would allow to get a similar effect without all the verbose exposition.

Overall, you handled the interpretation of the Ante and the setting well, but the overuse of exposition killed the flow and engagement for me. Substitute exposition with description and allow the reader to come up with their own ideas, but drop as many hints as you can to steer their mind in the direction you want.

Chamel: I was fine with you until I hit the part about the Ante. It was carried out well and you transitioned from it back into the fight nicely, but it felt shoehorned in. The transition into it was sudden and disconnected me for a second because there was very little set-up. Chance went from beating him, to feeling sorry for him, to kissing him which seems out of character considering how disgusted with Todes he was in the beginning. A better way would've been to draw out the fight and have Chance play with Todes a bit more, similar to how Bugs Bunny would play with Elmer Fudd. Chance already has the battle advantage so he doesn't have to go full insane on Todes from the get go.

Also from a fight perspective, giving Todes more of a chance(no pun intended), would have increased the tension and suspense in the battle.

In summary, pretty good if a bit one-sided fight, but the Ante was really the weak spot as it seemed to be extraneous. Integrating it more with the battle would have made it a lot more effective.
Xate
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Jul 11, 2013 3:10 AM #1031317
And so, everything worth CnCing has been taken.
Hewitt

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Jul 11, 2013 7:21 AM #1031506
Quote from GamerXD8
And so, everything worth CnCing has been taken.


CNCing doesnt hav to be unique. You see comments on animation threads all the time: "Needs to be smoother" happening when anyone posts. Are they unique?

There's also tons of battles in this tournament not this one. Pick one, or two or three, or all, say what you want, and have fun
Tantalum

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Jul 20, 2013 5:22 PM #1041085
Onto the second request =o another two intriguing reads, but I have to agree and apologise that just about everything I picked up has been mentioned already.
Overall, I think Shadowkirby's piece suffered most from exposition - it's fine to simply show the reader what's happening, and explaining the 'how's and 'why's of everything apparent can detract a bit from the story. The plot wasn't so bad at all though, and the middle of the fight developed pretty solidly. The dialogue was well-placed, though perhaps a little lacking in personality, and the descriptions through the intro especially set a good mood. The ending was played fairly well, but again, less explaining and more showing how Chance was incapacitated would've made for a more striking finish.
Chamel's story was a lot more expressive with the characters and their abilities, although lessened in that Todesberührung wasn't portrayed to have much of a chance at all. I personally would've skipped out on that Ante entirely - it felt alien from the rest of the piece, but was still a wide stretch better than anything I can come up with. Save for those points, the intros for both characters were kept interesting, the attacks were dramatic, and the simple stratagem at the end made for a fine climax.
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