holy fuck, I'm almost at 10,000 posts.

it's a weird feeling, honestly. it's something of a milestone, but it's nothing to be proud of. do you have any idea how much wasted time that is? jesus fuck



so, we might as well celebrate it in some way. how about a contest?


The rules are simple. Simply post the funniest joke you know. ONCE I REACH 10,000 POSTS, THE CONTEST IS OVER. It'll probably happen within a week or two, so please don't spam this thread with off-topic nonsense. I'm looking for jokes, that's it.

Whoever posts the joke that makes me laugh the hardest will receive this fabulous prize: Any game from Steam or Amazon, $20 or under. Here's the complete list of games under $20, sorted by rating. Personally I'd recommend The Orange Box, that's probably the best value you can get for $20. Other suggestions: Bioshock, Fallout 3, Deus Ex, Just Cause 2, World of Goo, Braid, Psychonauts, Super Meat Boy, Limbo, Mirror's Edge and Borderlands.



Get to it!

I foresee a lot of people googling funny jokes for this thread. Anyways, I'll work on mine right now.

A priest and a rabi walk into a bar. They kill eachother. The end.

Is it one person to one joke or can we keep on trying until you fall off your chair?

Please tell me you're the number 1 fan of random yo-mama jokes fresh from Google or I'm out.
Also feel free to hack random posts if you want to give us more time...then again, more 13 year boys jokes. Your choice I guess.

let me emphasize: do not post off-topic bullshit in this thread

Seriously, limit yourself to like one post if you can. don't make this harder than it has to be, it's going to be a lot to read as it is.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Oh, here's a good one.

Teacher: If you have 10 chocolate cakes and someone asks for 2, how many would you have left?
Student: 10.
Teacher: Okay, well what if somebody forcibly takes the two cakes, how many would you have left?
Student: 10 and a dead body.

orange you glad I didn't say banana

Also I don't want a video game, I want you shipped to my house shirtless in a box.

Please excuse me while I figure out that one joke I heard the other day, I will place it right here when I figure out what it was.

Ah I found it: A man walked in to a small business with hopes of getting hired, he walked in and was hired on the spot. Now he's going about completely happy but he was warned by the boss "Alright you can do a lot of things here, but whatever you do. DO NOT OPEN THE BASEMENT DOOR!" After saying so the boss walked away, the man is standing there wondering. "Well wait a minute, whats in the basement? What could possibly be in there?" The man decided to ignore it and got back to work. two years of working within that business and he still was wondering, what could be in the basement. The man finally decided to open the basement doors, AND immediately upon doing so a massive purple ape jumped out of the basement doors and chased after the man. He was running scared to his car frantically trying to get the proper keys, the ape catching up and he managed to open the car doors. But then the car won't start the now the ape is right at the driver seat door. The ape pulls the door off and flings it off into the distance and then gets close the man. The man's face is pale at the sight, the ape then taps him on the shoulder "Tag, your it." and then runs back to the small business and closes the basement door.

Here's one I heard today, I feel like it should be mentioned: A hobo walks into a bar, and he sits down, looks at the bartender in the eyes and says "If I can show you something absolutely amazing can I have a free beer?" The bartender looks at him and says "Sure but its gotta be absolutely wild in order to get a free beer." After the bartender says so the man takes out a small piano about the size of a hand and then takes out a frog, then the man puts the frog on top of the piano and begins to poke its side. Then the frog begins playing the piano, and it's not just pushing random piano keys its playing it fluently. The bartender is absolutely shocked at the piano playing frog "OH MY GOD, THAT'S AMAZING. HERE'S A FREE BEER!" then the hobo takes the beer and chugs it down, people gather around to listen to the piano playing frog and the hobo looks at the bartender again "If I can show you something even more amazing then that will you give me another free beer?" The bartender looks down at him "If it is much more amazing then a piano playing frog then you got another free beer." The hobo then takes out a rat and puts a top hat on it, then places the rat on top of the piano and it begins singing, an angels choir would compare to the rats singing. The bartender immediately gives the hobo another beer but then a man speaks up "SIR I will pay you 5,000 dollars for the rat and the frog!" the hobo looks over at him and says "I can't possibly give away these performers, they are like my family." Then the man thinks for a while "Alright I will pay you 10,000 dollars just for the rat in the hat." the hobo then thinks about it. Alright here you go, the hobo hands the rat to the man and then he runs out of the bar with a smile on his face. The bartender is absolutely shocked at this "WHY WOULD GET RID OF THE BEST PERFORMANCE IN THE WORLD, I mean granted the frog itself is amazing but why would you get rid of such a great pair." The hobo looks the bartender in the eyes and says one last thing before walking out of the bar "Don't worry the frog is a ventriloquist."

One last joke I heard (This one is short, its not really a joke more of something funny that happened in my life): A buddy of my father was once walking out of a bar, now he is wasted he doesn't know anything at this point. And he see's the bar's bouncer and tells my father this "Holld my HIC beer I'm going to do something amashing." My father's friend walks over to the bouncer and begins talking shit to him, the bouncer decides he had enough of this idiot and then grabs him by the neck, and then punches him directly in the face. Now my dad's friend was so drunk he couldn't even feel that he was punched in the face. And he just continued laughing at the bouncer still talking shit, so the bouncer continued punching him and then threw him onto the curb. He wasn't knocked out and in fact still laughing but.... The very next day, he went over to my house (I live with my parents, I'm 15) and we all looked at his forehead, it had a massive bump and was bleeding. We told him "DUDE YOUR FOREHEAD IS BLEEDING!" after saying that to him he felt his forehead and after feeling it he immediately passed out and hit his head on the table. (Don't worry we took him to the hospital)

Yeah I'm still waiting on my answer to this.

Quote from Mecha-Hewitt

Is it one person to one joke or can we keep on trying until you fall off your chair?

Don't wanna waste a good joke for nothing.

Well I posted my three things, so far the longest jokes here. I am content with the jokes and I am leaving them there.

lol okay um...

Why does my teacher never fart in public?

Because he was a private tutor.

An Atheist was walking across the pond, admiring the forests. ''What majestic trees.'' he said to himself. He heard rumbling in the bushes behind them. He turned and looked at the bushes and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He started to run, and each moment the bear got closer and closer, until he tripped on a twig.

When he looked up, he saw the bear reaching for him, but at that moment, the Atheist cried ''Oh my God!'' The bear froze. The water from the pond stopped moving. The wind stopped blowing. A bright light shined upon the man, and a voice came from the sky. "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. You expect me to help you out of ths predicament?''

The Atheist looked into the light, and said ''It would be crazy for me to ask you to look at me as a Christian now, but perhaps you can make the bear a Christian?''
''Very well.'' The voice said.

The river ran again, and the wind blew once more. The bear put both paws together, bowed his head, and said, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

If you don't get it, he asked God to make the bear a Christian, so the bear stopped and prayed before he ate his food like some people do.

Two blondes walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.