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wRHG Tournament R1: Kalena Eirwen (Lobotomizer) vs Pencillum (merich1)

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Hewitt

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Jul 10, 2013 1:49 AM #1030515
3rd Battle for Round 1 is up and it's the official undercard match! Here are the Stipulations:

Setting:
Spoiler (Click to Show)
's powers was also once a great teacher and instructor of the pencil art. In this Abandoned School for Gifted Wizards, classrooms and staff rooms abound. Just imagine your typical school setting with 2 exceptions: 1) Pencilliums Magical Pencils litter almost every room as they are considered default office supplies in this place. and 2) The School is actually floating using high amounts of magic, 10,000 ft above the Earth away from prying eyes. It is not sitting on anything and just the school itself is floating so as a result, no decent earthen soil can be found (rendering Kalena's sword power useless).[/spoiler]


Handicap: Pencillum (merich1) is in a place where his pencils are powered up and can't easily break or lose. The school is also devoid of any earth so Kalena (Lobotomizer) can't use her sword to manipulate it.

Antes :
***Antes are Extra Challenges that add twice the points wagered if successfully pulled off. They come in 3 Flavors (Easy Medium Hard). No two participants can have the same kind of Ante.

Lobotomizer has initiated a Hard Ante: Corvon was left at the Warehouse when you got zapped, stranding you alone. The school also has actually a defense mechanism that prevents interlopers, cutting off any magical essence surrounding it. Kalena and Pencillium must now deal with the fact that the entire school is going to fall into the earth in FIVE minutes. Even worse, one of the school's children is lost and hiding in the classrooms. So to summarize, you must a) save this child, b) defeat pencillium without Corvon, and c) somehow do it all within the span of FIVE minutes.

Bonus for this Round: Early Bird / First to Post their entry

Scoring:
- Votes are worth 5 pts. each.
- CNC-ing an entry gives you 10 pts. Detailed ones get an extra 5 pts. Maximum 3 CnCs per participant.
- Bonus for the Round is 20 pts.
- Fulfilled Antes give 10, 20, 30 pts. and lost 5, 10, 15 pts if failed depending on difficulty
- Judge's Blessing gives 15 points if entry caught the Judge's eye.

Here are the entries:

Kalena Eirwen
Spoiler (Click to Show)
rehouse, bloodied with the corpses of many, its walls streaked with red. Then the worried expression of Corvon...and then...darkness.

When she awoke, it was in a modest, nondescript classroom of sorts. Wooden desks lined the area in a neat fashion, accompanied by chairs of the same material. Pencils lay on some of the desks, most contained in little plastic cups that sat themselves everywhere. Behind her was a line of glass windows, polished till they were almost gleaming from the ambient light, providing a wide view of the skies outside. The relative calm and eerie silence of the whole scene was a far cry from the previous, almost a tad disorientating to the swordswoman. For what reason would she be brought here? A twisted form of an arena? She briefly flashed a grimace. No doubt that would be the case. The way the tournament seemed to be held, she mightn’t be surprised if this was the product of the host’s convoluted sense of humor.

She gave a quick look around, her eyes darting left and right for anything that stood out of the ordinary. Nothing. Corvon seemed to be absent, but that would’ve been what she expected; a duel between two people against one could hardly be called one. Regardless, she still felt a slight pang of loneliness, briefly wondering what might have possibly happened to the mage.

Kalena closed her eyes, deciding on her next possible course of action. Finding her opponent would be wise, she thought. With her surroundings analysed to the fullest, she moved forward from her spot and to the door, her sword at the ready for anything that might possibly happen. Whatever the case was, she had to assume she would be against another gladiator this time, and she had no intention of hiding from her opponent. Her hand grasped the edges of the door and pulled it aside, letting it slowly slide open with a barely audible squeak.

But for all the stealth that she displayed, it was obvious that someone had been expecting her. The moment her head peeked out into the hallway, she felt her instinct screaming at her to pull back. This she did, and no more than a split second later did she see a thin projectile hurtle straight at where she’d been originally, whistling through the air past her.

She immediately spun around, placing her back close to the wall beside the doorway in anticipation for her opponent.

“That was a nice dodge. Very nice. I’d expect no less from my opponent.”

A distant drawl came from the hallways accompanied by rhythmic footsteps, but Kalena made no move to reply, gripping her blade all the tighter in anticipation for her enemy’s appearance.
“...no response? That is upsetting, knowing that you don’t appreciate some amount of banter in a fight.”

Her opponent spoke again, his tone a mock disappointment. The footsteps grew in volume and proximity, almost as if he was openly displaying his confidence through speech and gait. Foolish, Kalena thought, but she reserved her final judgement for when they crossed blades.

That opportunity arose when she felt his presence just behind the wall. She spun about, her blade gracefully swinging through the air at almost blinding speed. Such ferocity her initial attack held, that her opponent was compelled to take an instinctive step back and swiftly defend his side, but only barely.

But he was no more shocked than Kalena was, for what stopped her blade was no metal, but rather, a thin, wooden like object. Her blade, strong enough to cut through the sturdiest shield, yet stopping short against...a pencil.

“Surprised?” Her opponent commented dryly, though it was obvious that his own hand was shaking from both the impact and shock. The two took the opportunity from their locked weapons to examine the other. He was a bespectacled man with a comparatively thin frame, wrapped under the wrinkled folds of a casual shirt and pants. Nothing about him suggested his being a combatant, save for his controlled emotions under the stress of battle. What would have made this seemingly ordinary man participate in a slaughterhouse? Kalena thought to herself.

But that was no excuse to soften her blows. She pulled back for another swing, but no sooner had she done so did she see his hand twitch from the corner of her eye, and a sudden, sharp pain struck her shoulder, searing her flesh as an object struck deep into muscle. She bit back the pain, flinging her sword upward in a bid to catch her opponent as well. He leapt to the side, but it was fast enough to cut part of his shirt and skin, leaving a slight gash up his torso. Cut pencils dropped from a torn pocket, hitting the floorboards with a clatter.

“So...sharp enough to cut diamond,” he comments, stepping back a few to gain distance, “I, Pencillum, am pleased to meet someone this strong.”

Kalena does not pursue him, allowing him to prattle as she briefly examined her wound. A pencil stuck from her left shoulder, sending sharp shots of pain whenever she moved it. There was no doubt; her opponent was not to be estimated, to be quick enough to flick his own wielded pencil before her sword landed.

“But it will be four minutes,” he continued, pulling a set of pencils from within another pocket, “four minutes till I prove that I am far above you.”

“Four minutes,” Kalena murmured, her tone neither scoffing nor mocking, “would that be the case...”

“Four minutes. Well, three and a half, to be precise” Pencillum affirmed, before flicking his wielded pencils in a fan shape at Kalena’s direction. She rolled away just as quickly and back into the classroom, narrowly avoiding the projectiles as they struck the walls beside her with a sickening thud.

Under cover, she struck her sword into the ground, willing for the earth to grant her a shield and an opportunity. Nothing. Not even the quiver of her sword to signal the presence of earth. At that time it dawned upon her that the windows didn’t just tell her that the two were sky high; they were literally in the open air.

Almost as if on cue, a low chuckle came from the corridors, “No dirt to use here. Nope.”

She didn’t bother questioning how he had first hand knowledge of her abilities. All she knew was that she could no longer rely on the earth to protect her. Her eyes darted about the classroom, searching for something that might possibly help her in battle. Perhaps if there were earth to control, she might have had more than a few ways to deal with the lethal projectiles and her opponent. But without it, she needed something else. A shield.

Her eyes rested upon the wooden desk that sat next to her, polished and speckless. That would change soon. She swung her blade just under it, neatly chopping off its legs before grasping its underside to form a makeshift shield. Unwieldy, perhaps, but good enough for its purpose.

Pencillum, unaware of what was happening, simply strolled forward, pencils held between each finger. “Must you still hide from me? That makes for a bo-”

He failed to finish, because no sooner had he closed into the doorway did a giant plank of wood come crashing into him. He instinctively threw a few pencils that dug deep into the wood, but that was all he managed before the desk smashed into his torso, knocking the wind from his lungs.

“A...desk?” He managed, stumbling back from the impact before rolling away from a subsequent swing of Kalena’s blade. He’d expected a charge, but not one behind a shield of all things. His opponent...might just outsmart him, he realised.

He recovered, but Kalena continued to put on pressure, pursuing him with quick successive swings of the sword, each small in their arc, but also giving little openings for him to even scramble out of the way, let alone sneaking a single pencil in between. It continued for what seemed like over an hour, even if Pencillum himself knew otherwise. Like some deathly dance they moved, faster and faster, till their movements were almost a blur to any spectator.

But it had to end, and it just so happened that Pencillum felt his legs hit something. Nothing he could do could have possibly prevented it, and so like his sinking heart he crashed onto the ground, tripped over by - as much as he refused to admit - his own feet.

Like a guillotine blade her sword swung downward, ready to take his head apart. Time seemed to freeze in his mind as the gears spun in his mind, desperately thinking of some method that could save him from imminent decapitation. Banking his life on the one last pencil he held in his palm, he thrust it straight front of him with all the strength he had. Not at his opponent who could very conceivably block it, but rather her sword. The strong magnet in that very pencil made it home on the metal blade, knocking it off course as it struck.

Kalena winced as she felt her arm jar from the impact. She held her shield up instinctively, but even the wood couldn’t thoroughly protect her from the next pencil that struck it, igniting a small explosion that knocked her off her feet from the resulting shockwave. Even then she managed to roll back as she hit the ground, recovering with little damage.

“Law of conservation of momentum,” Pencillum muttered as he stood back on his feet as well, dusting off invisible dirt from his pants. A moment of thinking after, and he added, “three minutes.”

Kalena bit her lip, giving her shield a quick glance. For the damage it took, it held up well. Splinters lined the crater at its centre, as if something had just thrown a vicious punch into the wood, but it seemed to have enough integrity to bear a few more blows. Her gaze turned back to her opponent, just in time to see his hand twitch. She leapt to the side, but nothing happened. Nothing happened, because Pencillum hadn’t thrown a single pencil in the first place.

“Just joking,” he shrugged, before promptly bolting off to avoid Kalena’s next swing. But as much as Kalena pursued him, she was only so much faster than he was, and there was a gap of a few metres between them; a prime time for Pencillum to do his worst.

“Let’s start with the appetizer,” the pencil-user murmured, throwing down a group of pencils that fanned out infront of the swordswoman. She jumped to avoid the line of explosions that burst from below her, but that was his plan as well. More pencils flew at her and, being unable to dodge in the air, she held her shield up, letting the pencils strike harmlessly into wood.

When she touched down, however, she felt her feet slip. A look down, and it dawned upon her that Pencilum had sneaked in a puddle of water under her right after she had left the ground. She turned her body to the side, softening the impact by rolling instead, but by then Pencillum had gained more than enough distance from her, disappearing into another room to his right.

Kalena stood back up, but this time she was in no hurry to follow Pencillum. She knew he had every opportunity to continue pelting her with his pencils; locking himself into a confined place instead without a plan would be suicidal. That meant that he had a plan, and she wasn’t going to readily walk into a trap he had laid out for her. In any case, he had no place to run to, and all the less reason for her to rush things.

She swung into the room, half expecting a torrent of pencils her way, but nothing came. Not even a single sound heralded her arrival. The seemed to be a library of sorts, a larger room filled with bookshelf after bookshelf, stocked fully with colourful volumes that made the place unnecessarily cheery. At the same time she felt a slight unease. Pencillum could be firing from any angle and she wouldn’t know it, she thought to herself.

Nonetheless, she stepped inside and through the long line of bookshelves, even as her instinct screamed at her to do otherwise. Eerie silence continued to surround her with her every step, as did haunting shadows that flickered from under the bookshelves, further intensifying the tense atmosphere that hung above the room.

Eventually the bookshelves opened to the centre of the library, a slightly elevated circular area. Scattered about were a few books and pencils, but no part of it caught her interest. Instead, her eyes rested on a single, lone figure that sat on the floor, its head facing the floor. A...child? Kalena furrowed her brow, unsure of what to make of it. Something told her that pencillum had not gained shapeshifting skills, but then she had to wonder; why was there a child, in a battle arena of all things?

Gradually, the child lifted her head, and Kalena’s gaze fell onto the rope that tightly bound the child. The child’s look was that of confusion, of fright, seemingly unknowing of why she was here in the first place. Her mouth opened, but nothing audible came out, almost as if begging to be freed.

Kalena gave a slight grimace, torn apart by her options. That child had to be saved, but at the same time the bindings were a giant sign that screamed the word ‘trap’ to her. She quickened her footsteps, but at the same time held her shield up, her eyes sweeping about her flank.

But the little cautiousness she’d thrown away in her added haste was enough to cause an opening. No sooner had she approached the centre did she feel a sharp pain at her back, digging deep into flesh. She immediately spun about, putting her shield up and crouching to lower her target area. She could hear dull thuds as her shield strained against the impact of more pencils, but nothing else came.. Not explosions, not puddles of water. Nothing.

“I didn’t think you’d fall for it, but then again, you prided yourself in being a protector of people...or so it is written in your file.”

Kalena lowered her shield, to see Pencillum crouching atop one of the bookshelves in front of her, a smug smile of triumph forming on his lips. Had he not been in a most precarious position he might have spread his arms wide in
Chamel
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Jul 10, 2013 2:45 AM #1030562
Merich:

Your story wasn't horrible, but I feel that you being matched with Lobotomizer kind of freaked you out a little and maybe discouraged you. But that shouldn't get you down (keep that in mind that no matter who you are against, don't freak out and back down, do your best) There were some things that really bugged me though, though some are of lesser importance.

1. Why did you switch viewpoints so much? It became confusing as hell to tell what was happening and to whom. Stick with just Pencillum's viewpoint and work things in. I can understand maybe a short paragraph at mlst to switch, but that many instances wanted me to quit reading. Stick to a single viewpoint, work it, and use it to your advantage.

2. When the whole place starte gurtling to Earth, you didn't give any description of change of gravity/increasing velocity/anything necessary to describe how they reached the ceiling. All you told us was that Kalena and Corvon(?) talked amongst themselves and then they hit their heads on the roof with Pency (new nick) landing on his feet. After that, it seemed like a normal battle ~ you should have gone more in depth about how some factors were changed; IE: Would their balance be off, would it be harder to move because of force, etc.

3. Your dialogue needs some improvement. It seems to be too quick, too choppy, and too frequent. Thinks like "Ooo...kaaayy..." and "So..." aren't really necessary and/or 'neat', so to speak. It makes it seem sloppy and makes the reader want to skip through it to get to the juicy tidbits lying in there. Same with thoughts. The constant sight of italics (obviously used for thoughts...) makes it untidy. Cut down on dialogue and focus more on description of the scenery around your character, appearances, feelings, etc; it interests the reader more if they can picture a person/setting in their mind.

4. Closer to the beginning, I noticed you used parantheses; DON'T. "(Obviously; it's a machine after all)" ~Completely unnecessary and loses points. This and capitalizing 'CRACKS' are both unnecessary. Using the parantheses is usually a note from the author, and how often do you see those? Almost none. I may be wrong about that, but from the countless books I've read, the authors have very seldom used parantheses, so a note of caution: Don't use them/They aren't necessary. And the 'CRACKS' just annoys me... Maybe use Italics?

~~~

Overall your story was pretty good (excluding a few grammar mistakes here and there) ~ decent flow, okay description, pretty good character use, and I thought you did rather brilliant in character portrayal. Unfortunately my vote goes to Lobotimizer. Even when faced with a hard ante like hers, she handled it well and made good use of her surroundings, characters, etc. Good job though!
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Jul 10, 2013 3:40 AM #1030622
Chamel got it pretty well, but if I have anything to input it'd have to be that your writing was alittle confusing all together to me. I personally use first person because it is the easiest for me, allows me to inject humor without completely defusing the situation, and it is easy to describe what a character is doing/thinking, and if your character is intelligent he/she can still tell what his/her opponent is thinking. I do like how you add in little tid bits, like Pifflewiffle's volley ball law or whatever. Gotta admit, that was kinda funny. Or like in your battle with Chamel how you used the Pencillian army. But, you have to ration out how you use that so it can really pay off. Keep it up.

I hate to potentially kiss ass, but I loved your story lobotomizer. From what I read, your story was great to me and I couldn't even really nitpick. Great job.
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Jul 10, 2013 5:07 AM #1030674
Two awesome stories from two good writers. Merich I think you did a great job given you had to battle the most experienced writer in this tournament (or am I wrong?)

My vote goes to Lobotomizer.
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Jul 10, 2013 6:26 AM #1030734
I think Kalena with because swords look better than pencils but yes I know the pencil is not a average pencil but still...swords are better.
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Jul 10, 2013 7:30 AM #1030772
Quote from thrustister
I think Kalena with because swords look better than pencils but yes I know the pencil is not a average pencil but still...swords are better.


My reaction
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Xate
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Jul 10, 2013 7:38 AM #1030776
Quote from thrustister
I think Kalena with because swords look better than pencils but yes I know the pencil is not a average pencil but still...swords are better.

His quote AND sig result:
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The Organization
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Jul 10, 2013 10:05 PM #1031156
Lobotomizer: The story was pretty well-done and engaging but the weakest part were definitely the introduction and the scene where Kalena manages to get out of Pencellium's trap. It seemed extraneous as is; if the intent was to link it to the preliminary narrative then omitting it or elaborating more on the transition would have had a stronger effect. Also, there is a slight contradiction here:
Quote from Lobotomizer

All she recalled was the scene of the warehouse, bloodied with the corpses of many, its walls streaked with red. Then the worried expression of Corvon...and then...darkness.

When she awoke, it was in a modest, nondescript classroom of sorts. Wooden desks lined the area in a neat fashion, accompanied by chairs of the same material. Pencils lay on some of the desks, most contained in little plastic cups that sat themselves everywhere. Behind her was a line of glass windows, polished till they were almost gleaming from the ambient light, providing a wide view of the skies outside. The relative calm and eerie silence of the whole scene was a far cry from the previous, almost a tad disorientating to the swordswoman. For what reason would she be brought here? A twisted form of an arena? She briefly flashed a grimace. No doubt that would be the case. The way the tournament seemed to be held, she mightn’t be surprised if this was the product of the host’s convoluted sense of humor.

If all she recalled was the warehouse, how did she remember that she was in a tournament? Although it seems obvious, this is a valid question posed by your intro. So it would have been better to omit it all together. Also, I hate to nitpick but mightn't is an improper contraction.

At least to me, its left unclear how Kalena managed to survive Pecellium's trap, so having Pecellium realize that the trap failed based on a mistake he made rather than the fact that the match was still continuing would have had a bit stronger effect.

Overall, the transition intro does not seem to be needed and can either be omitted or beefed up with more description. The climax where Pencellium traps Kalena is great but leaves a bit of plot-kai/slight deus ex machina in how she turned the tables on him.

merich1:
how did Pencellium know Kalena's earth ability, but not her name?
Quote from merich1

I don’t know. This just feels… weird. Like Kalena is in danger or something.

“You’re all clear, kid,” muttered Corvon to Kalena.
“What?” was the response.
“Sorry. I had to finish the scene.”

Kalena sped down the hallway after Pencillum, trying to catch him and…
Wait a second. What exactly am I planning to do when I catch him?
She tried to stop, but she tripped over something and flew into the wall…

Pencillum tore across the corner, then stopped. Let’s see if that pencil on the ground I kicked up can trip her. If the trip pencil doesn’t work, I’ll ambush her.
Kalena tripped over the pencil stuck in the floor and flew directly into the wall…
Okay, the trip pencil worked.
…went through the wall…
Er… okay, that’s even better.
…conjured a sword from nowhere…
What exactly is she going to do with that transient blade?
…and sliced through the air with the sword, and disappeared. Two hands clung onto the bottom of the human-shaped hole, and a split second later, Kalena stood in front of Pencillum as if nothing had happened.
“You cut through your momentum. Impressive.”
“Er, Kalena?” called a voice from down the hallway.
“What?”
“Your momentum wasn’t the only thing you cut.”
“So…”


your story started off strong, but it seemed to collapse as it neared the end.
The first quoted section seemed like an excuse for Corvon to come back into the battle which was both seemingly random, and a way of saving Kalena from a corner. Either keeping Corvon in the fight or having him already observing the fight before Kalena was in trouble, would make it seem more natural.

The second quoted section was a bit confusing because of ambiguous speakers and,“Sorry. I had to finish the scene.”, doesn't seem to fit in the context of the dialogue.

the third quote was a lapse in pov. You went from 3rd person pov to having Kalena as the narrator for a bit. trying to catch him and…, with the ellipses signifying a lapse of thought of the narrator. Introducing Kalena's thought right after it makes it seem like she was narrating in the first place.

In the fourth quote, you completely lost me. The narrator is completely ambiguous at this point and its hard to stay engaged due to the drastically shifting points of view. Switching points of view is a very risky maneuver, its better to use it sparingly.

The ending seemed disconnected, and felt a bit rushed with the pace going all out of sorts.

While the story was interesting, the glaring narrative issues made it hard to follow and removed me from the story. Restricting your point of view and streamlining the story would have worked more in your favor. I find that an outline of the key events and parts of the story, and working outwards from there would allow for stronger story structure.
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Jul 13, 2013 1:48 AM #1033684
Let's start with Lobotomizer. The first thing that I had noticed is that your hook was a bit weak. To be honest I felt exactly like Kalena who just woke up from her daze with no explanation (however that might be my mistake for not reading the first fight and all the details). Second, because I've seen your writing style before, I have noticed a lazy trend of writing (however, I can understand due to lack of motivation the laziness ensues).

Other than those things, good job on characterization as always and awesome detail in your fight. Hope you can break the spell of being unmotivated.

On to my favorite guy of this battle!
Now the reason I like your writing piece better is because of nostalgia. I can see all the parts that I used to struggle in with my writings before. Listen, keep up your writing and be discerning of the tips people give you and you will improve quickly. I will look later, but if there's any continuing story of your character, I'd love to see it sometime. (I'm kind of a story nut)

Out of professionalism, I have to give lobotomizer my vote, but don't let this battle get you down and next time you write, be confident in your piece because it will show in your writing.

Good luck in your future battles!
Nikx232
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