The Awakening (Long-ish read)

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Model-T
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Nov 5, 2013 9:12 PM #1103079
I awoke rather suddenly, a slight moan escaping my lips as I placed a hand to my stomach, the center of a sharp pain. I determined by the warm liquid squishing against my hand that I was bleeding. I was bleeding. I. I… I tried to think of another name for I, but I only knew myself as I, I could not remember my name, it was lost to my mind, taking my identity with it.

“Nng,” I grunted as a sudden but rather weak wave of pain spiked through my lower torso, causing me to tighten the muscles in my hand, gripping my stomach tight. I was only just now beginning to realize what was going on. My vision was blurry as I opened my eyes; I couldn’t make out anything except blurs moving a little ways away. I was lying on my side on a hard, wooden cot, my right side on the bed and my left in the air, with my left hand latched to my stomach.

I felt weak but not so weak that I couldn’t move around. I rolled onto my back and then swung my legs out to the side, using my hands to lift myself up and stand. I wobbled a bit as I took that first step but aside from that and the fact that I had to keep my hand on my stomach because of the pain, I was fine. I stepped towards what I thought was a doorway within the large tent, finally focusing enough to hear the sounds of battle going on around me. There was every sound from the shouts of the wounded to the sounds of magic and technological weapons being used, and then the smell hit. It was the eerie smell of death, I knew not how I knew the smell, but I recognized it and put a name to it instantly, despite my own name escaping my mind still.

My feet were bare and my clothes were torn apart. I wore what was left of a pair of black jeans and a tattered white t-shirt. My hair was a mess, the brownish-blonde strands hanging down with no order, and I had to repeatedly push it out of my face as I moved towards one of the moving blurs, hoping it was a person. I walked with a limp now, the pain having extended to my right leg. I was able to assume the figure had noticed me as whoever it was began moving towards me, probably running based on their speed.

As they reached me I could make out the blue and white color of their robes, but that was it pretty much. I stumbled forward, feeling the persons hand catch me by the shoulder, the hand was extremely calloused and had a firm and strong grip to it, leading me to assume it was a male. He stood me upright again and got up in my face, my eyes still not adjusted at all, leading me to see just a blur, not able to make out any facial features at all. I then heard his voice, coarse and rough, the kind of voice that conveys an unforgettable feeling of strength, calm, and security with it all at the same time, “Are you alright kid?” I nodded. “Then listen, we aren’t going to last much longer if we stay here. We didn’t come prepared for this kind of battle; we need to find a better place to set up defenses. Unfortunately though I can’t bring you with us, and I’m sorry about that, but I am willing to cover you so you can get away from here, alright?” I nodded once more, saying something along the lines of “I’ll try my best to get out of here.”

“Good, oh and here, hold out your hands,” I did as I was asked, quickly feeling a sort of jagged structure placed in one hand and the metal and leather of a sword sheathe in the other, heavy enough that it probably had a blade in it, “We found these when we found you almost dead near here, now you need to go.”
With those words he led me to the door way, and I could feel the temperature rise slightly as he began covering my back, telling me to run, which I attempted to do, but it probably was more of a speed limp as I moved through the battlefield, accidentally running into a combatant, falling over. This was followed by the man I ran into trying to attack me before he got hit by the man’s blast of flame. I scrambled to my feet and kept going, reaching and then disappearing from the area of the fight as I moved past the dense tree line.

I made my way past trees, trees…trees and…more trees, bashing into the branches of quite of few and the trunks of three or four before my eyes finally started to adjust, granting the ability to make out where each tree was and progress without as much difficulty. I kept going and going until I finally collapsed to my knees out of sheer exhaustion. I spotted a small pond a few feet away and decided to crawl to it, moving slowly, the two items still in my hand. I set them down and inspected the water of the pond, no longer hearing the sounds of combat. I looked back, unable to make out anything through the dense trees. My head then turned back to the water, leaning down to take a quick drink after making sure the water had some sort of flow to it.

The taste was refreshing, but as the water settled again, I noticed something. In my mind I had a picture of myself that was near the one I saw in the reflection of the water, Long brownish-blonde hair, same facial ridges, down to the last little cut on my face. My eyes were a slightly ridged oval, comprised more of straight lines than solid curves. Their color was a shadowed green that turned into a yellowish-green near the pupils. Now at the time I thought this was normal because I didn’t remember seeing anything else, but when I focused on my pupils, I saw that my right pupil was a nice little perfect circle, and my left pupil was a four pointed star shape.

I looked down at my clothing, deciding I should figure out what all I had to work with for now. My shirt was a normal white t-shirt, or at least what was left of one. The shirt, as well as my pants, was in tatters, barely maintaining any sort of structure or the appearance of clothing, they looked more like I had thrown some rags on my body to cover it up. I did also have the massive blood stain on my shirt around my stomach area, which had stopped bleeding, but the blood on the shirt was still warm. My pants were a black jean style pair of pants. I then looked at the crystal that I had been given before running out of the warzone, which was a solid chunk of crystal roughly six inches long and a deep green color. I went to pick it up, and as I did, something strange happened; it began to glow slightly, which freaked me out but didn’t hinder me as I picked it up in my hand, observing the crystal and muttering to myself, “I might be able to sell this for a pretty penny to try and get some food and new clothes when I find a town, but other than that I see no use for this.”

Finally I looked to the blade, staring briefly at its black leather straps connecting to the sheath, lingering only for a split second before moving my gaze over to the base of the curved sheath. Its design was elegant to say the least, having what looked like five solid gold bands evenly spaced along the velvet red shell, along with a silver cap at the tip and a silver ring around the top of the sheath. The red casing and all seven bands had layered and highly detailed scroll work all the way around. “Whoever made this sure has a lot of pride in their work, that’s for sure,” I smirked in admiration at the blade’s craftsmanship, running my fingers over the wooden grip. It wasn’t some cheap wood, not that I was expecting it to be, but this wood was obvious strong and durable, and the pattern of the rings in the wood just looked intimidating, having the appearance more of small little spiked circles than normal rings. It had been coated with a fine red finish that shined brightly in the sunlight and felt like smoothed glass beneath my fingertips. The grip had small curves along one side of it, pointed towards where the blade edge pointed. I curled the fingers of my hand around the wooded grip, finding that my fingers fit perfectly into the grooves of the grip. I averted my eyes to the pommel of the handle, comprised of a solid chunk of metal shaped into a perfect one inch cylinder. The metal was not your standard every day metal either, it had a strange but somehow slightly familiar appearance, having a red and black hue instead of the standard shiny silver or dull gray color like most metals had. I shrugged it off and turned it so that one of the flat parts of the cylinder faced me, bringing to my attention a small octagonal crystal set into the pommel. It had a dull sky blue hue to it, and like the other crystal it seemed to glow as I touched it, faintly, but still enough that it was noticeable. From there my eyes finally made their way back up the hilt to the guard, which held a perfect diamond shaped crystal in its center, the same sort of crystal as the one in the pommel, this one glowed when I moved my hand close as well. Four wings protruded from the crystal, each the same metal as that of the pommel, one set of wings curved out towards the blade while the other set curved back towards my hand. I was about to draw the blade to inspect it when I caught a small glint on the grip from the corner of my eye, and instantly curiosity got the better of me, and I raised the handle up towards my face to inspect it. As I brought it close I saw thin lines of the reddish black metal forming almost a sort of circuit board design on the handle, as to why they were arranged like that I did not know, but the blade definitely had my full attention at this point. Finally I brought myself away from the superficiality of the blade, and began to draw the blade from within its velvet chamber. There was an immediate and intimidating shiiink noise that made my skin crawl as I drew the blade, slowly, making sure to take in every detail of the lavish scrollwork that coated the broadside of the blade. The blade just looked perfect; it was a single edged weapon, obviously crafted by hand, as it had the traditional wave pattern brought when one uses a whetstone to hand sharpen a blade on its first sharpening. About a quarter of the way up the blade the scrollwork ended and a chain of glyphs started on each side, obviously a language of some form but I couldn’t tell which one, not that I really knew many in the first place. The glyphs were difference on each side, one side looking to form a sentence, while the other looked more like a name based on the structure, leading me to believe that it was some form of blade dedication. That continued up along the blade’s slightly curved figure to about the three quarter mark, where the scrollwork continued until the blade finally came to a point, the scrollwork continuing and looking to sort of roll off of the blade’s tip. I held the blade up to the light, watching as the sun’s rays reflected off of the metal of the blade. The blade truly was a magnificent sight, elegant, intimidating, and unique.

A few moments later I managed to snap out of the daydreams brought by my admiration of the blade in all of its shining glory to realize that I still had no idea who or where I was. As this thought came I stood and brushed myself off, having regained control of my breathing. I began walking through the forest where visibility was barely an arm’s length at any given point due to the density of the forest. I did my best to keep a straight path, but to no avail, as I managed to find myself back in a spot that I did recognize. I thought for a second, wanting to avoid walking in circles all day, I managed to get the idea to tie the crystal to the sheath of the sword using one of the ribbons of t-shirt I had on, and then dragged that on the ground behind me to mark my path until finally I found my way out of the woods. I had a few new scratches from some vines and a bruise from a tree branch that snapped back after I moved it out of my way, but other than that I was fine.

The forest had been atop a large hill, and I now stood at the top of one of its sides, overlooking the fields below, I could see what looked like a town off in the distance, but the sun was setting and there was a lot of ground to cover, and so I set off into the field, not knowing what the world had in store for me.

‡§§‡


I finally reached the town I had seen from the forest’s edge, but as I got close I was met by a sight none too welcoming, I was met by the sight of run-down buildings and down the road what looked to be a slave market surrounded by more lavish buildings, obviously this wasn’t a place I wanted to stay for very long. I looked around, not wanting to talk to anyone, but when I found someone who looked trustworthy, I stopped, asking them where I was.

“You’re in the town of Arin, the slave market capital of the realm, how can you not know that?” He asked me, looking at me like I was an idiot.

“I’m a wanderer, I don’t think about where I’m going, I just go where the wind takes me,” I lied somewhat, not wanting to mention that I had lost my memory.

“Aaah, I see, so you’re one of them mercenary sell-sword types?”

“I could use the money yes but I’m still not great with a blade by any means.”

“Then you may want to go check the warrior’s guild across town, they usually give out jobs to their members but they occasionally have jobs for people like you.”

“Thank you,” I said, leaving without another word. I headed where he told me to go, making my way through the slave market in the center of town, having to avert my eyes from most of them, as so many of them either had a pleading look, asking to be set free, or were sobbing and crying as their sellers beat them, it truly was a terrible sight. Most of slaves in the central area were female, while the males tended to be on the outer areas of the market, I wish I hadn’t had to go through there at all, but it was the fastest way to the warrior’s guild building.

When I finally reached the building I looked up, seeing a large sign reading ELETOHM COMPANY: ARIN BRANCH at the top of the fifth floor, the highest of the building’s floors. I cast my gaze back to the large iron doors, walking up and pushing them in with ease, though not because I was strong but because the doors were lighter than normal iron. I entered, still in my raggedy shirt and my jeans having a few cuts in them from the thorny vines in the forest. There were warriors training on either side of the walkway that spanned the room’s central area, splitting it into four training zones, each encased in a cage.

The warriors in the cages nearest the door all paused, turning to look at me. There were four in total, three male and a single female, none of them were even the same species; the female was a Naga, someone with the lower body of a snake and a human torso and head. The male sparring against the female Naga was an Arachne, someone who had a spider’s abdomen instead of legs, though the rest of his body was in fact human. The two males in the other cage were an Orc and a Draconian, the draconian being what is often referred to as a full draconian as his entire body was covered in lightish red scales, and also having a set of wings, a tail, and other dragon features, such as a dorsal ridge, horns, and claws on his feet.

I watched as the draconian asked the Orc to practice something and asked the others to continue sparring as he; he then walked to the entrance of the cage, exiting and walking over to me, laughing slightly as he spoke in a coarse but somehow light and caring voice, “Hey kiddo, you lost or are you here to hire us for something?”

“Actually I’m here for work,” I spoke with every ounce of seriousness I could muster, but despite my tone the Arachne called out to me, her voice sharp and dagger-like, “Ha, as if you could be of any use in a fight.” Everything in her voice mocked me, but I was not about to let it phase me in the slightest bit.

“He looks serious Ria,” the draconian said, seeing that my resolution had not changed, “let’s see what you can do, but first, introductions, I’m Chief Petty Officer Tarcon Vrah
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Nov 6, 2013 1:54 AM #1103220
I totally forgot to mention that I'd greatly appreciate any comments or feedback you have on my story, thank you
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Nov 9, 2013 2:38 AM #1104666
First and foremost, very interesting story! It had a solid flow which made it enjoyable and easy to get through. All your characters seemed real and none acted in a way that would make me question them, in fact, I'm sure a lot of us have met people like some of them! It diffidently sounded like you knew what you were talking about throughout as well!

Few quick minor things:
There were a few times you had a sentence that just seemed a little long. Run-on I guess? Anyway, it's not that there was unnecessary information, it's just that commas and what not are read differently than periods, so it they just felt unnatural. Additionally, there were usually the things loaded with an unnecessary amount of punctuation. Here's one as an example.

The forest had been atop a large hill, and I now stood at the top of one of its sides, overlooking the fields below, I could see what looked like a town off in the distance, but the sun was setting and there was a lot of ground to cover, and so I set off into the field, not knowing what the world had in store for me.


The forest had been atop a large hill, and I now stood at the top of one of its sides overlooking the fields below. I could see what looked like a town off in the distance, but the sun was setting and there was a lot of ground to cover, so I set off into the field not knowing what the world had in store for me.

Coincidentally, the sentence also is a fine example of another thing. Repeating words sound repetitious, and the break up flow and tend to be a bit damaging. Halloween just passed, so I guess maybe it'd be like if multiple people were trick or treating in the exact same outfit. Now, if their an hour apart, I don't necessarily care, but if one demon with angel wings and a halo knocks on my door, and then I get another in about three minutes, they're going to get a bizarre look minimum. You've diffidently got vocabulary for variety man(?)! Don't miss the chance to show it off!

The forest had been atop a large hill, and I now stood at the top of one of its sides, overlooking the fields below, I could see what looked like a town off in the distance, but the sun was setting and there was a lot of ground to cover, and so I set off into the field, not knowing what the world had in store for me.

The forest had been atop a large hill, and I now stood at the rounded peak of one of its sides, overlooking the fields below, I could see what looked like a town off in the distance, but the sun was setting and there was a lot of ground to cover, and so I set off pushing through the tall grass, not knowing what the world had in store for me.

And together:

The forest had been atop a large hill, and I now stood at the rounded peak of one of its sides, overlooking the fields below. I could see what looked like a town off in the distance, but the sun was setting and there was a lot of ground to cover so I set off pushing through the tall grass, not knowing what the world had in store for me.

My last little thing only happened once, but when I got to it I had to pause for a minute to determine how to proceed, like I was some strategist planning an assault. I like metaphors and similes and stuff, so I'm going to drag you through another one.

Let's say Stickpage is an city and the threads you post are the buildings that populate it. Massive bricks of text are basically men in latex gloves and black ski masks that ambush you from the inside. It is scary. Like discovering your pregnant, but with the knowledge that you're male but not a seahorse.

Easy fix though, just break it up a bit and you're good to go!

And again, great story! I hope to see more from you!
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Nov 11, 2013 8:49 PM #1106128
You know I honestly never thought about it like that, thank you so much for the advice
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Nov 18, 2013 4:33 AM #1108907
Use spoilers bro
Anyway good story so far
Don't stop developing this.
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Nov 18, 2013 6:47 AM #1108943
It is an amazing story, I only wish I could write like this. It pulled me into the story, and didn't let go until it ended (only for now hopefully).
Please continue writing it, I now want to know how it ends ^^
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Nov 23, 2013 2:53 AM #1111631
Well just to let you guys know I should be posting the next part "Shadows in the Water" In a few days, its a long chapter, so it's taken me a while