Oh, and did I mention that they can move things with their minds?
They can also use elements to their advantage.
what I'm talking about (Click to Show)
Discovering the Bloodfangs
Started by: Cassandra | Replies: 9 | Views: 726
Apr 12, 2014 6:32 PM #1186069
My own type of werewolf related creature! YAY!!!
Oh, and did I mention that they can move things with their minds?
They can also use elements to their advantage.
Oh, and did I mention that they can move things with their minds?
They can also use elements to their advantage.
Apr 13, 2014 12:42 AM #1186145
Seems a bit overpowered don't ya think?
Apr 17, 2014 10:31 PM #1187696
Their weakness is fire. They can't stand it.
Apr 17, 2014 11:34 PM #1187706
Quote from CassandraTheir weakness is fire. They can't stand it.
So the elements minus fire.
Apr 18, 2014 2:50 AM #1187770
Good thing they can just telekinesis anyone holding fire away from them ;)
Apr 18, 2014 3:13 AM #1187774
Quote from DevourGood thing they can just telekinesis anyone holding fire away from them ;)
Aaand we are back to overpowered (not that it really left)
Apr 18, 2014 2:13 PM #1187884
What's wrong with overpoweredness? Overpowerdness by itself isn't a problem. It's just how its usually handled. With good handling, all sorts of OPness could be more fun to read. Just look at Gu Long's signature cast of characters and point out one of them that isn't totally OP.
Alright, some CnC from me.
You first sentence didn't really do very well for me. For an opening line it was too long and could be difficult to understand. You have to draw the reader in with short, suspense-filled, easy-to-read, and generally interesting first sentences. In this age, it is no longer possible to draw readers in by showing off how many words you know; people don't want to see that, they want something that's simple and fun to read. So I suggest cutting it into half; instead of []Space spread out like a massive black cloak, dotted with innumerable worlds, the names of which now fled the memories of nearly all intelligent organisms related and including humankind.[/I], I suggest it be Space spreads out like a massive, dotted cloak; a vast black cloak dotted with innumerable worlds. And what was that throw-off line in the back of the first paragraph? Throw off lines should be short and witty and interest the readers, but, frankly, that sentence was neither. Do any of us care about microorganisms in some unnamed planet if they have nothing to do with the plot?
The sentences in general just weren't very engaging. I don't want to go over the problems in each one, but they didn't take direct paths to convey their meaning. It seems to me that you were trying to squeeze as many words out of the least thought. Why did you have to say was still surviving when still survives could have meant exactly the same thing? Remember, having the most words doesn't necessarily make it the best story ever. The best works are judged on how much meaning they can convey over the least words. Try to cut every sentence to be brief, and to the point.
I'm sorry, but I just couldn't read much past the second paragraph; I was tired and just couldn't push myself further anymore. Maybe I'll come back to read more of it and offer more advice someday.
Alright, some CnC from me.
You first sentence didn't really do very well for me. For an opening line it was too long and could be difficult to understand. You have to draw the reader in with short, suspense-filled, easy-to-read, and generally interesting first sentences. In this age, it is no longer possible to draw readers in by showing off how many words you know; people don't want to see that, they want something that's simple and fun to read. So I suggest cutting it into half; instead of []Space spread out like a massive black cloak, dotted with innumerable worlds, the names of which now fled the memories of nearly all intelligent organisms related and including humankind.[/I], I suggest it be Space spreads out like a massive, dotted cloak; a vast black cloak dotted with innumerable worlds. And what was that throw-off line in the back of the first paragraph? Throw off lines should be short and witty and interest the readers, but, frankly, that sentence was neither. Do any of us care about microorganisms in some unnamed planet if they have nothing to do with the plot?
The sentences in general just weren't very engaging. I don't want to go over the problems in each one, but they didn't take direct paths to convey their meaning. It seems to me that you were trying to squeeze as many words out of the least thought. Why did you have to say was still surviving when still survives could have meant exactly the same thing? Remember, having the most words doesn't necessarily make it the best story ever. The best works are judged on how much meaning they can convey over the least words. Try to cut every sentence to be brief, and to the point.
I'm sorry, but I just couldn't read much past the second paragraph; I was tired and just couldn't push myself further anymore. Maybe I'll come back to read more of it and offer more advice someday.
Apr 28, 2014 5:34 PM #1190921
LOL I'll make a simpler story next time.
Apr 29, 2014 2:16 PM #1191139
Sorry; I got frustrated and tired that night. My point, though, wasn't that the story itself was complicated; it was that the sentences used a lot of words that I feel were not necessary and did not really add to the dimensions of the story. If the words are not necessary, it is my personal opinion that the story would benefit by shedding them off; extra words like those drag down the story, which might actually have read pretty smoothly without them in the way.
Probably a personal preference, but I feel that it's usually better to keep the sentences shorter and to the point. If there is a way to shorten a sentence without causing its meaning to diminish - sometimes even if its meaning could be reduced - I would do so, because that keeps things reader-friendly.
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Something else about the writing; I found several places where you could have snuck in a little more suspense to the fight. I'm not sure why, but most fight scenes I see on the forums, whether on the wRHGs or not, are very densely compacted into several short paragraphs or even mere sentences; not allowing the reader to truly appreciate the amount of power going on in the fight.
Thanks for acknowledging my previous comment; It feels good to know that CnC is being read... even if it was crap CnC.
Probably a personal preference, but I feel that it's usually better to keep the sentences shorter and to the point. If there is a way to shorten a sentence without causing its meaning to diminish - sometimes even if its meaning could be reduced - I would do so, because that keeps things reader-friendly.
-
Something else about the writing; I found several places where you could have snuck in a little more suspense to the fight. I'm not sure why, but most fight scenes I see on the forums, whether on the wRHGs or not, are very densely compacted into several short paragraphs or even mere sentences; not allowing the reader to truly appreciate the amount of power going on in the fight.
Thanks for acknowledging my previous comment; It feels good to know that CnC is being read... even if it was crap CnC.
Apr 29, 2014 5:49 PM #1191173
I like your imagination. Or the worlds and places and stories you create. Reading some of your pieces actually make me think that there must be some "Cassandrapedia" somewhere. I have only read a few stories and don't have pure Cnc to offer just yet, but I am interested in the worlds you create and will pay close mind to it. It all seems great to me to some extent. But I will give proper comments and critique a bit later.