[Read First] Radicals Chapter One: Remnants

Started by: Majin | Replies: 2 | Views: 497

Majin
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Apr 15, 2014 2:16 PM #1186981
Just a little something i did for my friend and his old wRHG character, Nova. It's pretty long and it's gonna have a total of 10 chapters
story (Click to Show)
Wyrmspawn
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Apr 16, 2014 11:52 AM #1187259
Well, it's not bad; not bad at all; but I think it could have been better. The pace, again, was a bit too fast at the beginning; this is a mistake that happens a lot of times when you have this really good idea and just want to let it crash onto the page. Try not to do that; slow things down, give everything more description, build the suspense, keep the reader invested.

What if, instead of, "Running down the hall, I wake up Jab and Zack", you had said, "Hurriedly, I ran down the hallway, knowing that there simply wasn't time. I almost ran past Jab's room, but I managed to grab onto the doorframe at the last moment, swinging inside without losing momentum."

Just by the word "running", you couldn't convey the desperation, the rush, the speed at which everything was happening. That's a strange thing about writing; the more words you spend on describing something, the faster you can make them seem to the reader.

It got better as I scrolled down, but there was a slight problem with the dialogue. I get that you were trying to keep things fast, but I still feel that there should be a comma or fullstop between the "X said" and description. So, "Where the fuck are we going," Jab asked me still half asleep as she grabbed her pistol and daggers could have been, "Where the fuck are we going?" Jab asked, still half asleep as she reached for her pistol and daggers. It's probably just a personal preference, but I think it reads more smoothly with punctuation, so I'm just offering this as advice.

Again, the fight scene was dynamic, but too short. Draw it out. Increase the suspense of every single sentence. Describe everything you can think of.

Really, those were the only two faults I could find with your story - it could use more description, and an optional choice of using more punctuations. In general, this was very well done, and I'm not even sure if I'm qualified to CnC on something so much better than what I write.
Majin
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Apr 16, 2014 1:27 PM #1187288
Thanks, i'll re type Chapter Two and make it perfect