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Aiba Kannagi(Ken_Rou) vs The Suicide Sister(ShadowKirby)

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Ken_Rou
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Jun 6, 2014 5:09 AM #1202950
Hey guys! So I recently challenged ShadowKirby to a fight(In less than a day after he created his new wRHG), and we both finished SUPER early then we expected. I gotta say, I'm super nervous about how this is going to be. I mean, I am fighting a veteran...

All pessimism aside, here's what we made. I hope y'all enjoy it!

Spoiler (Click to Show)
ing people from the dead is impossible. At least, with the modern technology that we are blessed with. So, though I believed in mythical creatures, I did not believe in the walking dead. That is, until today...

I was walking down the street that my hideout was close to in the middle of the night. Zackeroar caught a nasty cold and we were running low on meds, so I went to the store and picked up some tylenol, and some candy for Vamprina that she asked me for.

As I got to a small park, I sat down to check if I had everything that I needed. Good, I didn't drop anything.

All of a sudden, I saw a red light in front of me. I sensed danger, and jumped off the bench that I was sitting on. Less than a second later, the bench had a huge hole in it. It seems that I dodged the attack just in time.

I took out my pistol and kukri, and shot at the direction that the red light originated. A shadowy figure jumped out, landing softly in front of me.

It was a woman. She had long, purple hair, and had a gothic dress on. In her hand, she held a rugged handgun. I had to gaze a little on how someone can be so fit for a dress like that. She possesses the attributes for it...

Remembering I was in a middle of a fight, I spoke at her
"Can I help you with something?"

"My name is Eliza Arachne. I am one of the hired bounty hunters that are after your head"

"How kind of you to direct tell your prey your scheme" I said, with some sarcasm.

"I thought it would be polite to let you know before you die" Eliza replied.

"We'll see about that. Sweet dress by the way" I said.

After a small bow, Eliza started shooting at me once more. I quickly dodged the shots and used my Wind magic to attempt to blow her away. She was stable, but it gave me enough time to run away.

I turned my head around to look at Eliza as I ran. She did not look like she was going to chase me. Instead, she had her phone out, and was apparently texting someone.

I turned my head back to the front. Suddenly, I heard a voice.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

Suddenly, the plastic bag that contained the stuff I bought was ripped in half. As I catched them mid-air, another girl stood in front of me. She had her blonde hair in pigtails, one bigger than the other, and had 'punk' attire on. She had a thick blade in her hand.

"Does this shit really have to happen right now?" I quietly said to myself, as I started putting my purchased goods in my shoulder bag.

I heard footsteps behind me. I turned back to see it was Eliza.

"He's mine Eliza!" The blondie yelled.

"I found her first, Belle" Eliza calmly replied.

Seems like these two, Belle and Eliza, were a team. I don't know how well I can hold against two opponents by myself, Especially with these two. I'm sensing something unsettling from the both of them.

"Let's dance, pipsqueak!" Belle yelled, and started to rush at me, pointed her sword at me.

But, I heard a few gunshots, and a thud followed. Eliza had her gun up.

"You... you shot your partner..." I said, horrified and confused at the same time in this situation.

"It's the only way that she'll calm down. Would you move out of the way for a second?" Eliza said, indifferent from her actions.

I slowly moved out of the way of the side walk as she walked past me.

"Pardon me" Eliza whispered to me as she walked by.

She atopped where her partner laid, and said to her
"Have you calmed down?"

"The... hell was that... for?" Belle weakly said.

Belle slowly got up. There were bullet wounds on her, and one was at her forehead.

"How are you alive!?" I yelled at Belle.

She had a big smile on her face.
"Oh, have you not seen the living dead before?" she said.

"Wait, so what does that make you guys? Ghouls, zombies... Oh! Kyonshies!" I said. I realized I was getting excited. I never knew that they actually exist. Especially those who still have a human form.

"Kyonshies would be the closest, I guess" Eliza replied.

Belle's gunshot wounds suddenly emitted smoke. It seemed like they were, plugging themselves up.

"AH FUCK!!! This stings..." Belle said, her face twitching in pain.

So they can regenerate, but it hurts them to do so. Interesting...

They both got up, and kissed each other.
"Sorry" "It's fine" they conversed amongst themselves.

"Well then, sorry for making you wait. I'm surprised to see that you were patient enough to wait for us" Eliza said.

"Yeah. Let's just get this over with" I replied.

"It's time we chop a fucker up!" Belle yelled at me, and dashed at me.

I quickly got my kukri out, and blocked Belle's attack. Belle jumped out of the way, and Eliza started shooting. Barely dodging the shots, I took out my pistol and started shooting at Eliza, hoping to take her down first. But, Belle jumped in front of me, blocking all the bullets with her sword.

Damn, there's no way I'm going to beat these guys like this. Their teamwork is solid. They know how to protect each other effectively. I need to find a way to separate them... I'll just have to try things out.

I charge up wind energy to my legs, and jumped up. Boom! The strong wind blows the two away, while I got up on a lamp post.

"Now, where to go..." I said to myself.

After I decided where to go, I jumped off and landed on the ground. I need to get going before they realize where I am. I hope this works...


"Hey loser!! Stop being a little pussy and show yourself!!" Belle yelled as she banged on nearby things with her blade.

I was hiding behind a store in the alleyway that was a few meters away from Belle. I had seeked cover in the alleyway a few blocks from where I escaped from, but they had tracked me down immediately.
My plan was to take out Eliza first, since she does not seem capable as her partner in CQC.

The problem was that I cannot find Eliza right now. She's quiet compared to her partner, making it harder to locate her. My only lead would be her footsteps, but Belle is making it hard to hear. Like I said, they got some solid teamwork.

As soon as Belle turned her back on me, I jumped up the building to my right, making it quiet as possible with the wind. After quietly landing on the roof, I lowered my body and started to walk the opposite direction Belle was going.

After searching for a few minutes, I located Eliza below me. I stopped to reload my pistol with armor-piercing rounds. I usually use them to break objects, such as padlocks and computers, but It'd be safe to assume that cannot be killed by it, and it's gonna hurt them. A LOT.

Eliza was not looking in the way I was, so flipped to the other side of the wall to hang on to the ledge with one hand, having my pistol in the other. I shot at her, hoping to get a few hits before I get down. Sure enough, I hit her in her right leg and eye.

Eliza screamed in pain, but started to return fire. As I jumped down, I was hit in the shoulder, but managed to land on the ground. I quickly took cover behind a staircase. She already shot at least 30 bullets without reloading, and she's still firing at where I am. She has infinite ammo, doesn't she?

I decided to show off a little, and I jumped out, emptying my magazine on Eliza. After a few spurts of blood, Eliza fell to the ground. It seems that I was successful of neutralizng her.

I reloaded my pistol, and started to run towards Eliza. I need to do something before she heals herself.
I got to her and kneeled down. I was able to nail a few shots on her head and torso. The wounds started to emit smoke, like with Belle's case, so I took Eliza's right arm and put it over her left.

Then, I took out my kukri.
"I'm sorry" I whispered.
I stabbed both of her arms, with the kukri piercing the ground.
Eliza let out a bloodcurling scream, and started to shed tears.

"Please forgive me for this. I just cannot die yet" I said, as I picked Eliza's gun up and threw it in the shadow.

Soon enough, Belle arrived at the scene. I could tell by the expression she had on that she couldn't believe what she saw.

"What... What have you done!?" Belle yelled at me.

"She's not dead, if that's what you're asking" I said, as I holstered my pitol back into my jacket.

"WHERE'S HER GUN!?"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING SHRED YOU INTO PIECES!!!" Belle shouted, and ran towards me.

Time to go full out.

I summoned my katana, and swiftly went for a stab at her blade. Belle blocked it with ease, and attempted a low kick to my shins. I jumped back, regaining my stance.

"Where the fuck did that thing come from!?" Belle said.

"Summoning. It comes in handy a lot" I said, taking a breath.

Belle dashed at me, going for my neck with her blade. I block the attack, and kicked her in the stomach. Belle backs up, holding her stomach in pain.

I dashed at her, going for a slash at her right arm. Belle dodged, and kicked at my face. I couldn't react in time, and was hit clean by the attack.

Backing up slowly, I decided to tease her a little.

"I think I saw your panties a little"

That got Belle to blush, and she started to swing her blade rapidly at my direction. I block every attack that she threw at me, and tripped her with my katana. Belle fell flat on her face on the ground. Immediately getting up, she attempted another kick, but I was able to dodge it just in time, and gave her a good slash to the torso. Belle knelt down, grabbing her chest in pain. That'll hurt for a while.

Suddenly, I heard something behind me, like something metallic hit the ground. It sounded awfully familiar too... Oh no.

I turned around, and saw Eliza getting up. She was able to release herself from my kukri on her own.
I quickly took out my pistol and tried to fire, but suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my back.

I looked back, and saw Belle on the ground, with her arm up. Her weapon wasn't there.

She threw her blade to my back.

"Gotcha bitch" Belle said, with a huge grin on her face.

I had my knees on the ground, barely conscious from the loss of blood. Adrenaline flowed through my body. The sweat the flowed from my body mixed with my blood. Am I going to die?

I saw Eliza slowly walking towards me. She had already retrieved her gun.

Belle took out her blade from me, and kicked me to the ground. Eliza stopped in front of me, and point her gun at my head.

"I'm reluctant that I have to kill someone like you. You don't seem that bad of a person... The least I can do for you is to let you say your last words. What would they be?"
Eliza said.

I don't want to die... I, need to go back for my friends... I will not give up!!

"Yeah..."
I lifted my head up slowly, and shouted
"RAIKOU!"

Suddenly, a large spark shot down from the sky, blinding both of the opponents. It gave me enough time to do what I had in mind.

I stood up with the help of my sword sheath, and cut the sheath with my katana. The sheath split in half, then dissolved into a blue gas-like substance. The substance started to surround the sword, then me.

I could feel the energy flow through me. The damage that I have taken was gone. The wound on my back was no more. I felt like a new person.

I stood up straight and looked at both of them. Their faces were painted with horror and amusement. At least, that's what I'm guessing.

"Alright... My turn"

With a blink if an eye, I teleported behind Belle, and went for her right arm. She immediately tries to block, but my katana slides down her weapon, and hits her shoulder. I pushed down on to the katana more, and the blade started to enter Belle's body. In a matter of seconds, the sword was completely through the shoulder, and Belle's arm fell to the ground. If they can regenerate, they can recover lost limbs too... right?

A shower of blood flowed from the severed arm. Belle screamed in pain, letting her blade drop with her arm.

Eliza started shooting at me, but I blocked all of her shots. Eliza then looked like she was charging her gun, like she did so in the park. I quickly move out of way of fire, just when she was about to shoot. The red light passed through me, and hit the garbage can behind. The can went up in flames.

"What... are you?" Eliza said, still horrified.

"A guy with a cool sword" I replied, smiling a little.

I suddenly felt a force behind me. Belle was kicking my back, and it took me a while to notice.

"...You wanna stop?"

"Fuck you!!" Belle yelled, continuously kicking me even after I turned around. I saw that she had a stump where her whole right arm used to be. It was a little longer than a few seconds ago. So I wasn't wrong about regeneration. Good.

I eventually grabbed her right leg, and hit her knee with the hilt of my sword from the front. A large crack rang through the alleyway.
Belle fell down once more, grabbing her knee in pain.

I turned back around to face Eliza, who was paralyzed by the situation.

"Aren't you going to shoot?"

"Ah.. ahh... AAAAAAHHHHHH!!" Eliza screamed in horror, and shot rapidly at me. I started to walk towards her, blocking my head with my sword. I felt a couple of stings in my upper body, but the pain faded away quickly.

I swiftly ducked and went for a slash to her legs. Unable to react, Eliza got a direct hit to her left foot. The foot was separated from the host, and went flying into the shadow of the alleyway, leaving a thin line of blood on it's trail. Eliza fell face first, suprisingly without a scream, dropping her gun on the way down.
She did not move after that, letting the blood flow from her leg. Just to make sure she wouldn't get up fir a while, I shot her multiple times in her remaining limbs.

I picked up Eliza's gun, and shoved it in my jacket's side pocket. I knew I needed to do something before they regenerated. But what is there to do? It seems that I can't kill them with a shot to the head, and they'll recover lost body parts... but what about...

I looked over at Belle, and saw the scars on her neck. Maybe, maybe if I...

I went to pick up my kukri. Eliza tried to grab me by the ankle, but I jumped lightly to avoid her. I picked up my curved weapon, and returned to Belle's side. Still unable to recover from her knee injury, she was crawled up in a ball, groaning and gasping for breath. Her arm was almost back. And I think my Soul Mode isn't going to last much longer. If I'm going to do this, I need to do it now.

With all my strength, I stabbed Belle's left palm, making sure the blade would go through the ground. Another painful, yet small groan came from her. She didn't seem like she even had the strength to cry in pain.

I put my leg gently on Belle's back, and put my sword against her neck. The only way to kill them that I can think of was to sever the head. If it's not this, then I don't know what would.

I started to lift my sword up, going for a downward chop. Belle was looking at me, but her eyes were not strained by hatred or anger. They were rather... peaceful, as if she had accepted her fate.
I need to be professional about this. They are already dead, I am not killing anyone. But... they can still breathe. They can feel pain. Even though the actions I am about to take are merely to protect myself, I couldn't help but feel guilty.
"I'll make it painless as possible" I whispered to Belle.
Belle responded by simply smiling.

I raised the sword as high as I could. Ok, just get it over with... I was about to put all my force into this slash.

"NOOOOOOO!!! PLEASE DON'T KILL HER!!" Eliza suddenly yelled. I paused a moment, and looked over at her. She had dragged herself a little from where she fell, and she was trying to reach for Belle, with tears flowing from her eyes.

"PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT HER!! She's... she's all I have left in this world... SHE'S ALL I HAVE LEFT!!!"
After she finished her sentence, she began to cry out loud. Eliza had now dragged herself close enough to grab on to Belle's recovering arm. Belle was facing Eliza as well, and I could see that she had tears in her eyes as well.

What am I doing? What was I about to do? No, it doesn't matter if
Aquila
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Jun 6, 2014 1:33 PM #1203054
Hard... really really really hard...

My vote is in, best of luck to you both, and shadowkirby, i'm next right?
Ken_Rou
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Jun 6, 2014 1:44 PM #1203057
Phew... it's a tie... for now
Shadowkirby
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Jun 6, 2014 6:39 PM #1203176
A tie already? Wow, that was fast.

Well, best wishes to you, Ken_Rou.
Ken_Rou
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Jun 6, 2014 6:56 PM #1203180
Quote from Shadowkirby
A tie already? Wow, that was fast.

Well, best wishes to you, Ken_Rou.


You as well
Crank
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Jun 10, 2014 2:18 AM #1204643
Why aren't the votes more
For this tale of blood and gore
The fighters are fresh
As they tear at the flesh

A war well fought
But not for naught
I cast for Shadowkirby
Shit I'm out of rhymes
Ken_Rou
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Jun 10, 2014 2:19 AM #1204644
Damn it. Well, I'll take your semi poem as a compliment. Thanks for actually voting.
Shadowkirby
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Jun 10, 2014 4:42 PM #1204913
It's a tie again! Might as well consider this a draw.
Ken_Rou
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Jun 10, 2014 10:48 PM #1205017
I'm glad that I can consider myself capable of writing stories that can go head to head with a veteran. However this will end, it'll be a good experience for me.
Aquila
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Jun 12, 2014 1:04 PM #1205754
Congrats Ken_Rou, you tied with a pro, lol let's hope I get that same luxury. BRAVO TO YOU BOTH!
Lobotomizer
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Jun 13, 2014 7:47 PM #1206331
Polls are over, but I'll still drop my cnc here.

Reading this, I can see why it was a tie.

Ken Rou:

Bland and cliche'd plot, inconsistent character for both sisters. Start thinking of twists. A not so happy ending.

I've said this once, and I will say this again. First person requires immense focus on the character whose point of view you are using, because it's the only view point. Feelings, thoughts, observations should be abundant. But apparently to your character, a stab to the back was no biggie. Why did it seem like that? Because you wrote it nonchalantly. In fact your character had a considerably lukewarm reception to everything that has happened to him. Without feeling, your story is as good as dead. A lifeless line of text.

ShadowKirby:

Ridiculous amount of tense swapping. Choose one and stick to it.

Rambling of irrelevant facts. Some is fine, but too much is tedious to read through and adds no substance. Even banter can explore more of a character's personality.

Bland characterisation especially with Aiba.

The battle ending was bland, almost like deus ex machina.

Work on your plotting. Your language is fine, but a linear story will take away any appeal your story has.



Both of you also have unrealistic dialogue. When you write dialogue, say it to yourself and ask if it really makes coherent sense. If not, then you have to rewrite it again.

I will also put my foot down over 'limit breaks'. In this case, Ken Rou's character. In theory, they are fine, but they are NOT an abusable way of 'turning the tables' in a battle. It is boring and uninspired, and it WILL make you dependant on such cheap tropes to add a weak twist to the story. A plan that extends throughout the entire battle for example, would make for a far better idea, or an action by one character that perhaps, leads to unforseen circumstances. Whatever it is, it is better than simply having two characters bash at each other until one fell dead.
Shadowkirby
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Jun 13, 2014 11:24 PM #1206419
Quote from Lobotomizer
Polls are over, but I'll still drop my cnc here.

Reading this, I can see why it was a tie.

Ken Rou:

Bland and cliche'd plot, inconsistent character for both sisters. Start thinking of twists. A not so happy ending.

I've said this once, and I will say this again. First person requires immense focus on the character whose point of view you are using, because it's the only view point. Feelings, thoughts, observations should be abundant. But apparently to your character, a stab to the back was no biggie. Why did it seem like that? Because you wrote it nonchalantly. In fact your character had a considerably lukewarm reception to everything that has happened to him. Without feeling, your story is as good as dead. A lifeless line of text.

ShadowKirby:

Ridiculous amount of tense swapping. Choose one and stick to it.

Rambling of irrelevant facts. Some is fine, but too much is tedious to read through and adds no substance. Even banter can explore more of a character's personality.

Bland characterisation especially with Aiba.

The battle ending was bland, almost like deus ex machina.

Work on your plotting. Your language is fine, but a linear story will take away any appeal your story has.



Both of you also have unrealistic dialogue. When you write dialogue, say it to yourself and ask if it really makes coherent sense. If not, then you have to rewrite it again.

I will also put my foot down over 'limit breaks'. In this case, Ken Rou's character. In theory, they are fine, but they are NOT an abusable way of 'turning the tables' in a battle. It is boring and uninspired, and it WILL make you dependant on such cheap tropes to add a weak twist to the story. A plan that extends throughout the entire battle for example, would make for a far better idea, or an action by one character that perhaps, leads to unforseen circumstances. Whatever it is, it is better than simply having two characters bash at each other until one fell dead.


Thanks, I needed the criticism to point out my story's flaws. Hope I won't make the same mistakes in my second battle.
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