Quote from DelorMaximus

Sorry for stealing the spotlight Ai ;)

Nah. You can explain it in better words than i can.

Here's a little thing I keep noticing you forget: you add a space after a comma. You also sometimes use a captial letter after a comma, you should only do this if you're using a name after. As an example, instead of saying "Shifting Rapier,Or Scar" you say "Shifting Rapier, or Scar." And as people have said, you like to use commas a little too much, along with brackets. Don't be afraid of full stops.

As for your character, I already respect him due to you tryin' to throw some science up in here (though electrons are pretty much white, not red), and because he doesn't have the "Being Human" weakness that I despise. Your execution of him is a bit messy; you mention that his sword is marked like a ruler. Why? Personally, I'd switch your guy's sword around more. How about somethin' like this:

"Has an unbreakable sword named 'Shifting Rapier.' From the handle to the tip of the blade, the sword is lined with an extremely conductive material so that Proton can send out focused shocks of electrons wherever the blade is pointed." Means you can send out a short-range electric shock, or you can stab something and cause a small explosion. Hell, if you changed the sword around even more and had it so the blade was actually like an electromagnet coil, you could use the whole electron thing to both attract and repulse some metals. Electrons are coo', bro.

Quote from WafflesMgee

Here's a little thing I keep noticing you forget: you add a space after a comma. You also sometimes use a captial letter after a comma, you should only do this if you're using a name after. As an example, instead of saying "Shifting Rapier,Or Scar" you say "Shifting Rapier, or Scar." And as people have said, you like to use commas a little too much, along with brackets. Don't be afraid of full stops.

As for your character, I already respect him due to you tryin' to throw some science up in here (though electrons are pretty much white, not red), and because he doesn't have the "Being Human" weakness that I despise. Your execution of him is a bit messy; you mention that his sword is marked like a ruler. Why? Personally, I'd switch your guy's sword around more. How about somethin' like this:

"Has an unbreakable sword named 'Shifting Rapier.' From the handle to the tip of the blade, the sword is lined with an extremely conductive material so that Proton can send out focused shocks of electrons wherever the blade is pointed." Means you can send out a short-range electric shock, or you can stab something and cause a small explosion. Hell, if you changed the sword around even more and had it so the blade was actually like an electromagnet coil, you could use the whole electron thing to both attract and repulse some metals. Electrons are coo', bro.

I really like your idea about the sword, it's pretty cool, I updated Proton with it

Also, I know electrons aren't actually white, but that's just how "The Electron Effect" looks like, not the actual electrons

as for your other notes,like i've said and have been saying for a while, i'm working on my writing, and yes i know i just used lots of commas in this post.

EDIT: Also added "normal human weaknesses".

nononono normal human weaknesses is bad

every character is human unless mentioned otherwise

Human weaknesses? Why not add the human advantages too? Adaptability, stamina, intelligence. Don't add one without the other.

Quote from WafflesMgee

nononono normal human weaknesses is bad

every character is human unless mentioned otherwise

Human weaknesses? Why not add the human advantages too? Adaptability, stamina, intelligence. Don't add one without the other.

Sorry,but you could of been more clear, i'll remove "normal human weaknesses"

I am available now.

UPDATED

just some small tweaks.

Consider yourself challenged

Quote from Crank

Consider yourself challenged

alright well can you add me on skype so we can discuss the details? I prefer skype but if you insist we could just PM here,also I might accept after we discuss the details,this message does not mean I have accepted.

Go ahead and put me on your hitlist. I might fight you in the future. And also, i don't have Skype.

Quote from Urako

Go ahead and put me on your hitlist. I might fight you in the future. And also, i don't have Skype.

You've been added to the hitlist. You don't need to worry about Skype much it's just a convenience not a qualification, we can still work things out somehow.

UPDATE:
added Urako to the hitlist.

UPDATE

Changed his appearance and the Shifting Rapier's appearance,added some notable tweaks to his personality, also added a line in the demo to fit with the new personality tweaks.

UPDATE

Edited and made notable tweaks to his story. also added a second, third, and fourth theme song.

Though updates are my only exception for double posting, please avoid overdoing it in a single day

o ~ o