Aiba(Ken_Rou) vs Yun(SubWoofer)

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Aiba(Ken_Rou) vs Yun(SubWoofer)

Started by: Ken_Rou | Replies: 3 | Views: 1,183

Ken_Rou
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Nov 13, 2014 12:50 PM #1268496

It's been far over the deadline that we were on, and I got the permission to declare a forfeit on SubWoofer. If you still want to read and criticize(*cough*cough*lobotomizer*cough**cough*), here is my story. I will say though, it's good to be back in business.

wRHG Battle 5: A Warrior's Return... or some other cool sounding comeback title (Click to Show)

Capn Squidy

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Nov 20, 2014 7:05 AM #1271493

This was a pretty good read, first wRHG battle post I read.

Question.
How many pages in Microsoft Word did it take to write all that? How big was the font and how big was the line spacing? I currently doing a match with someone and I want to know how much I should put into my story.

Cavaliere
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Nov 20, 2014 9:36 PM #1271662

If I may, I have a bit of critique to offer.

The first issue I see interspersed in the story is fairly standard and an easy fix with some editing. A few times, the tenses change from past to present and back again, and it can be hard to tell exactly what you mean. There are also a few mispelled words here and there, but nothing serious.
After that, things become more subjective. The story you laid out, while entertaining, is somewhat barebones. Aside from dialogue and one-sentence descriptions, there isn't much meat in it to flesh out the settings, characters, or actions. This can be characteristic of first-person stories, though, so I guess the amount of detail depends on what you want to focus.
The assassin sent after Aiba, because he used to be a terrorist it seems, is not your everyday killer. He seems consumed by unrelenting anger and hatred, but is disgusted by your RHG's lack of honor. Yun's not afraid to boast, and when asked his name a second time, relented and told it. Doesn't seem very professional, but if you did it to highlight this guy's hypocrisy or subjugation to his emotions, then that's cool I supposed. I gleaned 'brutal but respectful warrior' from Yun's profile.
The reference at the end was nice, but what came before it puzzled me just a little. You dislocated Yun's arms, but he went silent as if you had broken his neck. A few moment later, he's on his feet, one of his arms healed enough for him to stab Aiba in the back (an unsportsmanlike move if you ask me) and what I guess is a Last Hope potion trickling from his mouth (I assume by this point he lost his mask in the fight). From what I gathered, 'Last Hope' can't do that. Even after such a cowardly act, Aiba decides to spare Yun's life.

Don't let all this get you down, though. The story was awesome, with only a few details making it slightly confusing. Keep up the good work; I may even challenge you in the future!

Ken_Rou
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Nov 21, 2014 3:45 AM #1271838

Quote from Capn Squidy
This was a pretty good read, first wRHG battle post I read.

Question.
How many pages in Microsoft Word did it take to write all that? How big was the font and how big was the line spacing? I currently doing a match with someone and I want to know how much I should put into my story.

I usually do all my work on my iPad or iPhone. It was around 2000 words, so I'm guessing about 4 pages with doublespace? I hope that helps.