wRHG Battle: Mancer vs. Omega

Started by: Malacal | Replies: 12 | Views: 2,689

Malacal
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Dec 26, 2014 6:19 PM #1287032
Oh me oh my. Me and this guy are just bloodthirsty ain't we? We've been taking and giving out challenges left and right recently.
And now, we challenged each other.

Mancer vs. Omega (Cavaliere Edition)

Mancer vs. Omega (Malacal Edition) (Click to Show)


We will not be accepting rage comments on the difference in how we submit our stories. Thank you :P

Also, I'm sure we will both gladly accept harsh, unleashed, brutal CnC (life is so hard when everyone's trying to help you).
Cavaliere
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Dec 28, 2014 3:14 AM #1287358
Thanks for getting this up! The poll's not active, just so you know. I'm very excited to see how this turns out.
Malacal
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Dec 29, 2014 3:42 AM #1287583
*facepalm*
1 week to vote everyone!
Edit: Then I go and misspell your name in the poll, I am terrible at this apparently
Cavaliere
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Jan 1, 2015 11:15 PM #1288715
Still not a single vote? Guess there's a lot of leftover cookies and hangovers.
Cavaliere
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Jan 5, 2015 4:25 AM #1290090
Holy cow, a single vote, and no cnc whatsoever. Rather disheartening. Guess our fight was ill-fated, Malacal.
Lamitrov
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Jan 5, 2015 4:29 AM #1290091
Do not forget that many people have school, college, and various other things to attend to! I myself would've voted, had i the time and patience to read it all. But i can't because school starts tomorrow for me xD. So instead of ill-fated, it was more of a bad timing kind of event/deal. [Also i have no experience in wRHG So i wouldn't be able to Cnc xD]
ErrorBlender
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Jan 5, 2015 4:38 AM #1290094
...I will do my best to CnC later and say my vote. I wanted to read and vote, truly, but a lot of events happened irl.
Crank
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Jan 5, 2015 1:22 PM #1290363
I'm sorry, I moved in this week so I've been scatterbrained for a while now, but I'll try to drop some once I get wifi as well.
ErrorBlender
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Jan 5, 2015 2:34 PM #1290375
Well deserved CnC right here:

Cavaliere:
[spoiler=]
You know what I like about how you write? Its the vocabulary. You've got a way with words that mingles them nicely with each other as if they were meant to be. I would have had a hard time finding a way to put 'ultra-flexible' someplace but you have your ways. Haha, good on that.

Now this is just a personal preference but I did like the RS cameo. Even brief, I found it nice. Sinkhole and Dittoo lives on.

Honestly, I can't find any inconsistency. I tried my best but maybe others can find one if there is.
[/spoiler]

Malacal:
[spoiler=]
Your story was lighter than Cavaliere's and a bit easier to digest. I find that nice but a bit of variety could get you places.

I suggest you use different names for the characters in the story; like Mancer is a mage, so you may call him as such. Omega is an alien, call him as such as well. It is to provide a sort of refreshing thought for the reader. Its like this: saying a single word over and over again will make it lose its meaning; the same goes with names basically. Try to shake things up. Also describe things a bit more rather than telling them; you had opportune times to describe a scene to add dramatic flair and you didn't.

[quote=]Fearing another attack, he turned to where Omega had fallen and he chanted awhile before casting Drown into Darkness, a spell that traps it’s victims in a shadowy liquid.[/quote]

"The mage feared another strike from his opponent. Mancer turned to the fallen Omega and began to chant. His whispers grew in volume as the alien raised himself from the ground menacingly but the mage had finished his spell in time. Omega felt the ground beneath him break into a viscous dark liquid, his tentacles sunk deep into the tar-like pit Mancer had manifested into the world. The alien, for the first time in the fight, felt helplessly outwitted."

Something like that. :)

What I disliked on yours was that despite being easy to follow, I felt I was guided too fast into the story. Maybe the spacing but I disregard that since it could have a 'copy-paste' mishap.
[/spoiler]

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Malacal
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Jan 7, 2015 4:46 AM #1291378
It's funny, I constantly try to find opportune moments for those moments to refer to them as something different, but then it occurs to me that I never established that Omega was a king. So I either go back and establish that or I use the same word. As, I try my best to make my stories not require background info.

As far as the descriptive dialog... It's just lack of attention at the right times in my story honestly. I tend to have great beginnings and as the story drags on it gets a little worse.

Also, Cav, We had poor timing as it was during "Hey it's Christmas, go visit places" time of the year so people were probably ignoring the internet for a while.
ErrorBlender
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Jan 7, 2015 6:08 AM #1291413
I have that same problem sometimes too. Where beginnings are nice then everything begins to slow down. The trick I got to know to work around it was to constantly come back to it, everyday to read it then to reinvent the things I can and leave it at that for the next day.
Crank
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Jan 18, 2015 6:13 PM #1297138
Geez this is overdue, but damned if I go back on my word.

Malacal (Click to Show)


Cavaliere (Click to Show)
Malacal
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Jan 19, 2015 3:09 AM #1297340
Although it is not as impressive when you look at the actual number of votes, Cavaliere won with 100% of the votes.
As far as your advice goes, I will most definitely take into consideration the bit with Omega's introduction. I like making all details to the reader clear with the beginning of the story but, I've found that hard to do with Omega as there are a lot of details with him and uh... it's hard to not make it horrifyingly obvious. Looking back, as opposed to calling out to Jesus for help (yeah, that's totally what he was doing), I could've had it be more "What the hell are you?" and Omega reply in some smug and asinine way.

And now I'm giving myself CnC based off other's CnC, oh my.
Anyways, thanks!