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Kiro Sarr

Started by: Haru | Replies: 31 | Views: 5,230

Haru
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Mar 3, 2015 11:31 PM #1319761
Name: Kiro Sarr
Abilities and Weaknesses (Click to Show)



Weaknesses (Click to Show)




Weapons (Click to Show)


Personality (Click to Show)

Appearence (Click to Show)

Story (Click to Show)

Demo:
Sound (Click to Show)

Battles: Ready for Challenges!
Points: 0/0/0
OOC: I hope I can improve my writing!:D Thx to MrSkully for helping me out! And Vern! You are the man!

Clan: Blade Mercenaries (Leader)
GuardianTempest
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Mar 3, 2015 11:43 PM #1319768
Egh, I haven't done anything meaningful with Tabitha at all. (Fight with saul was a flop)

You and me, in a battle, how about that?
RichardLongflop
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Mar 3, 2015 11:44 PM #1319769
Well first, I feel like you should put spaces between your abilities and weaknesses. They look like they are one paragraph.

And also, when we say demo, we mean a demonstration of your character in action. Your story has no relevance to the character whatsoever.
Haru
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Mar 3, 2015 11:45 PM #1319770
OK sir
Ill start on it.
Crank
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Mar 4, 2015 12:15 AM #1319791
A music fighter huh? Heh, well I'm sure Delor would love a crack at ya if he's still around!

A bit more detail surrounding the different fighting styles would go a long way, and as much as I respect a story about the story, just a heads up, but script style writing isn't typically used, especially in battles. For the about though, I don't see anything wrong with it.

I do have a few questions for ya too.

First off, how does he change weapons when the music changes? Does he carry them all with him and take them out accordingly with the song, do they morph into one another, or do they more less teleport in and out?

Additionally, if he powers stem from he's listening to, how is that decided? Like, if he went for a walk (which reminds me, I should totally go for a walk) would his MP3/iPod/Whatever be on shuffle? Or can he mentally change that? Similarly, if he can't mentally change it, is it safe to assume he'd have to pull his device out to find a more appropriate song to kill people to?

You implied he listened to ear splitting music in his About. There are people that I walk past who's music I can hear from a good ten feet away. Is he one of these people, and if so does his fighting style match the beat of the music? Like, striking in line with the drums, for example.

Does music coming from the environment affect him if his earphones are out?

If his attacks are weak with Rap, but he uses a gun, is it a regular gun, or is he inaccurate with it or something? I have a hard time viewing them as anything but devastating.

If he can only do dubstep for so long, what happens when it ends?

And how long is so long? Like, one song?

You may want to expand on his personality as well. What makes him nice? A good chunk of people really like to get into the characters their fighting, and a quick three sentence summery would give them a hard time doing your guy justice.

As far as your demo's concerned, double spacing would do you some good, especially when the stories get longer. It keeps it from looking like a huge brick of text and makes it cleaner.

Seeing as you're about to swap it out though, I'll CnC the new one when it's up.
Haru
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Mar 4, 2015 2:01 AM #1319840
Ok, crank, Ill try to answer your questions.
I would love fighting Delor, he might pwn me though.
He changes weapons... Well, he does it by magic. If he carried it, it would slow him down. How about lets say he creates them out of his energy? Of course, you can give me advice on that.
You should totally go for a walk. I didn't think if he could mentally change. Maybe he should, so he can be like udyr in stick fig spotlight and switch rapidly.
He does hit to the beat.
If his music is so loud, he should not be affected by the enivroment music, unless he purposely lowers his volume.
He uses a gun and a chain that can latch onto people, pulling them close to him. GET OVER HERE! His gun is a pistol, but he can shoot it like a machinegun. Or he can focus on accurate shots.
When dubstep ends, he is vulnerable to attacks, for dubstep takes up a lot of energy. He can rebound after a breath or two.
The time is about 2 hours-3 hours
Personality: He is friendly because it comes naturally. He is not anti-social at all. He likes loud music, but he understands that friends are good too. And if the friend is a guy who likes loud music, he likes him even more. He had a group of buddies that all liked loud music.
Demo: I am switching!
Thanks Crank for your time!
Miketastic
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Mar 4, 2015 3:50 AM #1319888
Kiro's true enemy: ©
lol jk :p
Malacal
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Mar 4, 2015 3:59 AM #1319894
I'd look to see anyone fight for two or three ours without performance-enhancing music and still be able to stand on his two feet.
Now before I begin, I must say a music-based character is an interesting concept. Also Delor is still around he is just a bit of a lurker; I believe his last post was just a few weeks ago.
Also, having weapons based upon his energy is typically a good idea for letting weapons deal how much damage you want them too without logic interfering so I personally think that would be a good idea.
If he hits to the beat and he's one of those people you can hear the music they have on from ten feet away, you may make his dubstep weakness exceptionally predictability... after all, dubstep is quite obvious as to what it's going to do.
Also, please condense your second post into your first so we don't have to look at two posts to see the entire character.
Crank
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Mar 4, 2015 4:07 AM #1319897
Might as well make good on my word before the day ends.

Alright!

So the first thing I see is something that'd be a good idea to look out for. For the most part, brinks of text don't go over all that well. Just break it up into paragraphs, and when you do, you might want to double space as well. It makes it look really clean.

Second, and this kinda goes a long with the first, but when a new speaker is talking make a new paragraph. It'll save you a lot of confusion.

Suddenly, a shadow appeared. Kiro stepped back, a bit frightened, but not so much that he froze. "Hello Kiro." "Um...Hello." "We saw your name on the bounties. It is quite impressive that you got a million bucks on you." "Um... Was that a compliment?" "Less talking, more fighting. PREPARE TO DIE!"

Suddenly, a shadow appeared. Kiro stepped back, a bit frightened, but not so much that he froze.

"Hello Kiro."

"Um...Hello."

"We saw your name on the bounties. It is quite impressive that you got a million bucks on you."

"Um... Was that a compliment?"

"Less talking, more fighting. PREPARE TO DIE!"


Other than format stuff, I'd say try to work on adding in details. What do the characters see hear feel? Smell even. Try describing things to put your readers into the scene.

Machine gun fire popped and made holes around him.

Machine gun fire raped the silence their bullets roared at Kiro, penetrating deep into bricks behind him, scaring the wall as cracks fissured around it.

I can tell you're fairly new, but that's cool, I know a handful of people (myself included) who essentially got their start with wRHG. Just try to give people a better picture of what's happening and we can go from there!

(Not CnC, but things like this "He then threw his sword, which swerved like a boomerang, cutting many throats before it came back to him." are the types of things you should put in your abilities)
Matthew Murphy
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Mar 4, 2015 10:25 AM #1320063
Ouch! (Click to Show)

Very very very very very very very very very very very very nice wRHG! The character seems original and well written (I can see your effort). Do consider my suggestion for a name to each of his weapon and I hope to see a "Kiro v. someone" very soon!
Haru
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Mar 4, 2015 1:40 PM #1320167
Mr Chai, you forgot a improtant part of Kiro. He gets mad when someone tries to take his headphones. They are like a body part to him.
Anyone want to suggest some names?
Haru
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Mar 8, 2015 9:59 PM #1322899
How about this?
Violin sword and shield: Chandele and Sly
Rock: Minotaur
Rap: Tiri and Ray
Dubstep: Crystal
RichardLongflop
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Mar 8, 2015 10:07 PM #1322901
I feel like he doesn't really need weapons. They overcomplicate him a bit. I'd rather just have osmeone whose fighting abilities morph to the music they're listening to.
Haru
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Mar 9, 2015 3:42 AM #1323039
Hmmm Interesting..
Is there already someone like that, however?
Never the less, Ill put it to a vote.
Who thinks I should not use weapons for kiro?
Chamel
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Mar 9, 2015 3:56 AM #1323043
The wRHG section has music based characters, such as Delor's Serena, but I don't think there are any (active) writers who use a gladiator who's fighting style depends on the type of music they listen to; so you should be good to go.

But I do agree with Waffles, the weapons do over complicate things.. ^^"
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