Tunnel Seeker: Act One - Scene 1
My hands seething guns, I looked across the big wide tunnel where I didn't see a figure. But then few shots fired and I studded back, those bullets that went across the wall near my cheeks. I fired back with my pistol and they all miss, "DROP YOUR WEAPONS!" They shouted. Retreating backwards, I angled a slit for me to shoot around the corner. There they were, law enforcement, FBI and mixed government agencies. I shot continuously and none of it had hit them. Though the point man was a SWAT member with a ballistic shield in a file formation looking like a rattlesnake. I stood back and waited for the footsteps to become louder and closer, clank clank from their gear. "Flash bang!" By then, I already fade behind the door next to me. The units saw me and I sprint cross. "Shoot him!---" This is where our checkpoint was at, Fransisco set up a MG nest, "Go shoot!" A death roar that blown my hearing tunnel, the brigade of agencies was lacerated. The SWAT man with his metal surface shield yelled right before the LMG began to hit them "Get out, get out-out!"

And so Francisco nailed the chokepoint and the whole brigade flee except a couple who returned fire. I heard the hollowing sounds of gore and large quantities of metal shrapnels flailing. I hopped in Fanci's MG nest and prone under cover to look through a small gap between sandbags to see the devastation. The operator's body detached from his left ribs, the shield that was twisted and scorned deep into the point man's face and body. The two operators behind him were screaming and their body shot up of steel, glass and leads. "You know, it doesn't have to end this way! Those two soldiers could still be taken to hospital!" shouted Fanci. A sudden triple burst of shots passed us and hit our sandbags, swift clicks of two more shots hit Franci in the chest and lower body as I saw the tracers. "ARH!" He fell down and dropped quickly, I heard in the hallway behind me that connected to Raven Outpost, "We got some disciplines on the main hall..." "Yeah, I told you fucking sandbags and MG won't work without more support" "I got shotgun, taking this boy with a 50 cal in those law men!" "Don't let them see your shoulders first unless if you want to get killed, keep it patient and quick" A room of militia of six men went into this section and sprinted towards cover behind scrap metals and old concrete slabs. "You can start blasting your shotgun so I have a good shot if they peak" And there went shotgun slugs then a unique slug of a single bullet. "J, move the machine gun so you get more cover." I laid there, silently, covered my ears from horror and felt like killing myself to end suffering.

---

[/HR]

I'm done, doing scene 2 later.

Accidently made two threads, please delete this one.

Alright!
First of all, great writing! Lemme dig into this!
"And there went shotgun slugs then a unique slug of a single bullet." I would like more detail, for example,
"And then, the roar of the mighty shotgun filled the air as it repeatedly blasted slugs, then one special slug rang out, a single bullet." This isn't really good, but I think you get the point.
"A death roar that blown my hearing tunnel, the brigade of agencies was lacerated." I am a bit confused on this. What is the brigade of agencies, and where did the death roar come from?
"This is where our checkpoint was at, Francisco set up a MG nest," I guess after this, we will find out more about this Francisco person, but right now he seems like he was just dropped in.
A thing you might want to work on is your grammar. "The units saw me and I sprint cross" I think it is Across instead of cross? And run-on sentences. A room of militia of six men went into this section and sprinted towards cover behind scrap metals and old concrete slabs. It looks a bit long.
Overall though, pretty good! Keep on going!

Actually, I'll fix it up, because it was 3am when I made this story.

Aww, the writer's lounge's been so dead lately (which was like only the last few days lol)...

Anyways! Now that I'm done with my exams I can finally spend time reading again.

Your story was a bit tough to read, to be honest. I can tell English isn't your first language, but then again you're new around here so I don't know that much about you anyways. All through the story there's plenty of grammatical mistakes (though surprisingly little errors in spelling!) which makes the story quite hard to understand.

On top of that, you're providing us with very little context, flavour or colour. You're throwing us in the middle of the action, but from there on we know very little. We don't know where the story is taking place (which bugs me the most : There's a lot of action, with people going hence and forth, but I have no clue what to imagine.) There's a tunnel, a hall of some sort and a MG nest, but it's quite hard to picture it since you're not really describing it to us.

This is where our checkpoint is at

Where is the checkpoint at? All I can tell is that there is some sort of tunnel, though is this checkpoint in the tunnel? Or is it in some kind of room? Or even better, is it out in the open? Seeing as there's a door next to your protagonist (whom we know absolutely nothing about other than that they are running from the FBI etc...)

Francisco set up a MG nest

What does this MG nest look like? All I can tell is that there's some sandbags and a .50 cal HMG. Other than that, we have very little indication of its form and size, other than that it can hold (I assume?) three men. You also say that they're gunning down their pursuers at a choke point, what exactly does this choke point look like?

This and some other things makes the entire story quite vague and very hard to picture, which in turn doesn't serve it well if you're trying to get people to read it.

As for the rest there's very little to actually spice up what you've got going on there. All that is going on is action, there's no description of what the characters look like, and only very little of what they feel. We're dropped in a very hectic and chaotic situation from beginning to end, and frankly I have no idea why, what, where, how, who....

Now you could say that chaos is the purpose of this scene, which is entirely okay! Just reading this alone, without any clue of what happened before or happens after, without any flavour, colour etc... and no follow-up where things are clarified. Just taking this fragment of a story, and presenting it to us as a standalone work, is actually not interesting at all to read since from beginning to end we're left with no clue of what happened, and without flavour or plot development there's very little that keeps us waiting for the next entry.

Whew, alright I'm sorry if I bulldozed you a bit there :). In the end, you only have to ask yourself the questions I asked. They're here to help you improve, and you can choose to take my advice in mind or not. You're new here so I can't really if you're here to actively join the community and improve your writing, or if you're just here to present us with THIS specific story and nothing more. Regardless, I hope you can use my feedback (I'm not really THE best at it, we've got others around here who do it with even more "bulldozing", though in the end they leave you with very helpful tips and advice).

So yeah, I hope it'll become more enticing in the next entry. Until then, good luck ;)