(PitchEnder) Lost Vs (TheChosenGamer) Verde

Started by: PitchEnder | Replies: 13 | Views: 1,310

PitchEnder
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Aug 12, 2015 1:23 PM #1394838
Ok so our last battle thread wasn't made correctly so I'm remaking it

Here is our battles, my battle is short because I rushed it :3
Verde's Story
Leader Vs Co; A Battle of Titans (Click to Show)


Mine:
Training Day (Click to Show)


Vote fairly :3
Urako

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Aug 12, 2015 2:18 PM #1394885
I think you both are fairly even. I voted for Verde though.
PitchEnder
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Aug 12, 2015 2:24 PM #1394890
The only 2 problems I have for Verde were his spelling and at the end where he took losts power source. Lost would have deactivated

Oh and the :3 confused me
TheChosenGamer
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Aug 12, 2015 9:52 PM #1394948
I only took a portion of your INFINITY core.
PitchEnder
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Aug 13, 2015 2:20 PM #1395245
Quote from TheChosenGamer
I only took a portion of your INFINITY core.


Oh I thought you took all of it :3 hey I got a vote :D
Shadowolf
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Aug 13, 2015 4:16 PM #1395280
I voted for Pitch.

Pitch, you need to make sure that your "thoughts" are clearly defined as such, not just blended with the rest of the text. Also, avoid overly long sentences with no division in them whatsoever. These are just the major points, since I don't have time right now to comment on the finer faults.

Gamer, I did not vote for you because your work seemed...disjointed. Your sentence structure is haphazard and full of run-ons. Your noun-verb agreement and tenses are tenuous at best.
NEVER put an emote symbol in your work.
NEVER have dialogue without interspersing action descriptions.
NEVER bring in another person/char into your work that does not have relevance to the story.
NEVER randomly add a skill to your character without first checking for approval (variations of the same skill are fine, such as I do with Shado's metal-powers, but just adding a living creature -- not really a plant, by the way, even though you call it that -- is not OK). I think you are tending towards what Waffles called the Toolbox Conundrum (which, coincidentally, was just mentioned regarding another character...) Link to the Toolbox Conundrum as described by Waffles

Additionally, you inverted who was doing an action: "He brought out something from his pocket, a seed which is unfamiliar to Lost. "Well boss, presenting my new weapon, the Hedge Lion." Verde said.


He came running towards Lost, unaware of his new weapon. To be safe he brought out his lightning rods. Verde threw his seed forward while running. The seed, rolling, suddenly grew bigger and bigger, leaf sprung out and formed a shape, a lion figure."

Error adjustment: Lost came running towards Verde, unaware of his new weapon.

Lastly, Pitch has made it clear that Lost's conversational skills are distinctly "robot-ish"...you have he speaking colloquially, sometimes even making use of slang. I do not feel that Lost would actually do that.

I intend all of my critiques to be used constructively, not as mere criticism.

Best of Wishes, D.V.
PitchEnder
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Aug 13, 2015 5:21 PM #1395289
Yes the speaking part. I have said on Lost's page that when he is in battle he doesn't speak much and when he does its only when he is analyzing something. When he isn't in battle he will speak more formally. He would never use slang terms when speaking.

Lost is a full on robot not an android like Bl.An.C or anything so he wouldn't have prior knowledge on slang terms or how humans would usually speak.

And lost doesnt have a "human intelligence mode" he only has two modes so far and they aren't very different. One is his regular mode and the other is his anger mode which just indicates that he's angry by making his eyes glow red.
TheChosenGamer
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Aug 13, 2015 9:06 PM #1395332
Shadow when you corrected me on the running I really meant that. Verde was the one running to Lost.
TheChosenGamer
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Aug 13, 2015 9:08 PM #1395333
Shadow when you corrected me on the running I really meant that. Verde was the one running to Lost.

But anyways, thanks for the criticisms can make me a better writer.

Oh, sorry for the bump. Internet problems too slow. Made a double post
roBEAT
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Aug 14, 2015 2:31 PM #1395707
@ PitchEnder

Verde tried to slash Lost but all he hit was air. Verde quickly looked around him seeing nothing but trees. Where are you Verde thought, preparing himself for any kind of attack. After a good five minutes Verde spotted a shimmering object beside a tree. Verde threw a seed at it and a large oak tree instantly grew beneath it.


You are using the character's names pretty often, making your sentences kinda repetitive. I suggest using "he" or, something like "the botanist" instead. :)
PitchEnder
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Aug 14, 2015 3:22 PM #1395717
Quote from roBEAT
@ PitchEnder



You are using the character's names pretty often, making your sentences kinda repetitive. I suggest using "he" or, something like "the botanist" instead. :)


Ah that's what I was thinking when I was writing,thanks :3
Shadowolf
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Aug 15, 2015 12:58 AM #1395927
Quote from TheChosenGamer
Shadow when you corrected me on the running I really meant that. Verde was the one running to Lost.




In that case, why on earth would he (Verde) be "unaware" of his own weapon? Perhaps you are thinking of another word...
Ebehp
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Aug 17, 2015 1:38 PM #1396503
Quote from Shadowolf
In that case, why on earth would he (Verde) be "unaware" of his own weapon? Perhaps you are thinking of another word...


Perhaps Verde meant Lost wasn't sure what Verde's weapon was.
TheChosenGamer
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Aug 17, 2015 9:18 PM #1396642
Quote from PhebeaStickz
Perhaps Verde meant Lost wasn't sure what Verde's weapon was.



Finally someone got it!!
And, Pitch, dude, your catchin up!