Double post

Quote from drbrownca

Pretty Solid. Well above at least 90% of RHGs I've seen. People just don't seem to put any effort in at all.
"HRD LIF, FAMILEE DED, CUM RHG ND FIT PPL NAOW", pisses me off.

Anyway, enough ranting, this is about you. Good, as mentioned before, but just needs some proofreading. A couple grammar checks would be helpful and you should really put some more detail into his origins. Work on transitions as well. Jumping from Shade's power to Ancient Spirit's in one sentence isn't recommended. And then Ancient Spirits to death match. And then craters to fire. Everything is kind of just jumbled together.

Oh! I know now. You tried to put a lot of information into very few words. This generally doesn't work well unless you are a godlike poet. Your concept is fantastic and the story makes sense, but adding more detail and better transitions and adjectives will really give it emotion.

Just as a quick example; You wrote: "Their match was destructive which made a lot of craters on the moon."

Give it some more depth and it should look more like: "Their clash was unlike any other. With immense power they created massive craters, hurling tons of rock to the depths of space."

To sum it up: Keep the story the way it is! Just give it some better descriptions. Don't take this as professional advice, but hopefully it helps :p

Tnx. I'll try to re edit it once i get my new PC which is taking longer than it's supposed to. And also, I'm not that good making stories. I just tried to make my story better than most.