Guess who is here to make your life a fi
eld of buttercups and puppies?!?!?
Soooooooooo. I like the idea of this char. Original and humorous. BUT...it needs polishing. A lot. Let's get to work.
1) Burps: So...I feel like you don't know what is involved in a sonic boom. Hint -- it's a whole fucking lot. See, the closest thing in existence is a certain type of mantis shrimp famous for being able to create a concussive pressure wave with its claw. This, however, is under water. Water is a rather dense fluid and is nearly impossible to compress, making it quite easy to do this feat in a relative sense. Creating a sonic boom in the air requires ridiculous amounts of energy. Now, sonic booms are generated from projectiles. To generate a sonic boom with a burp is actually impossible. This would require air going faster than the speed of sound...which cannot happen. If you say it is just the sound of the burp, sound cannot travel faster than sound and therefore no sonic boom can occur. A sonic boom, further, even if it DID happen (which it can't) would go a ton further than 10 feet. You're better off saying that he just creates a pressure wave, since currently he has an impossible power.
2) Beer Bottle: I really like this. Good job!
3) Steel Liver: I get that this char can survive shit for...reasons. But livers are SUPER important organs. No liver would essentially require him to be undead because of the life-related functions it serves. That point aside, alcohol poisoning affects FAR more than just the liver. The liver is the organ responsible for metabolizing alcohol, and the resulting byproducts of this cause the infamous liver disease of which you are thinking. Alcohol itself, however, poisons far more. The most obvious point of this is the brain -- drunkenness is merely a symptom of alcohol poisoning. So already your own statements indicate he actually CAN get poisoned. Just make him immune to the poison period, at the cost of permanent drunkenness.
4) Super Burp: Again, this is the can'tingest can't of can'ts here. The basic burp can't happen, which means the super one definitely can't. Just make this a pressure wave, again. That said, I feel like this is overpowered, especially after reading your demo. Ridiculously so. I'd say maybe give him a longer duration of a normal burp or something, but this level of power is just laughable considering the ease of access.
5) Always Drunk: This idea is used occasionally, and workable. It's a bit trite but fine -- part of the character theme. Still, #alcoholpoisoning and therefore see point #3.
6) Karate Master: Eh...this goes with point 5. Trite but doable. There is a drunken man style of karate, but this merely mimics a drunken man. Being actually drunk and pulling this off seems nearly impossible. Especially because you indicate he's stumbling about and whatnot. Drunken man fighting focuses on the relaxed body and irregular movements, but the sober control involved allows the practitioner to still be effective. Your demo indicates a man who can barely walk in a straight line, and then only beats some person over the head with his bottle and burps...not a highly talented tactician. In other words, you've got two ideas here -- A boozed burping bottle bashing brute (say that three times fast :P) OR a drunken man karate master. One of the two must be chosen...trying to do them both doesn't work IMO.
7) Smelly: Minor, but funny. I really like this for some reason. Good thought. Maybe expand on this idea a bit and downgrade the burps?
8) Covering Mouth: Alright, really? The dude can fucking burp like he's a hypersonic jet (again, see point #1 for the total impossibility of this even with cartoon physics). You're saying my little old hand is gonna seal that fucker in? Hell no.
9) Breaking Beer: Logical weakness. Fine.
10) Sipping Super Burps: Two seconds. Really? REALLY? You're saying something with totally insane energy levels can be accessed for free every two seconds without cost because the beer bottle is bottomless? This literally is just assfuckery and shows why "supers" and the like shouldn't exist in the first place, and why placebo weaknesses should induce curses of being nosefucked with paddles. NOSEFUCKED WITH PADDLES, you understand.
11) Drunk Misses: This is literally point 6 confirmed. He's not a karate master. You just slapped that power on there, it doesn't make sense with the character, and is legit impossible with the character. He's a brawling brute. In this sense, the weakness makes perfect sense. If you keep the karate it's just logic being murdered with a spork.
12) Human: Fuckity fuck fuck fucking fuck. No. Humanity is not a weakness unless it is a strength. Altaer's power set is designed as a joke built around this premise, that humanity is a fucking awesome power as well as a weakness. RichardLongflop (formerly Waffles) started this whole deal in SP before I got here with his emphasis that if human doesn't show up as a power it shouldn't be a weakness. Generally, unless otherwise stated, we get it. If your char is a human, we know how they fucking work. They're very existence and natural implied state shouldn't be a weakness. EVEN FUTHER, you screw over your own fuckery in listing this and in your backstory indicate he's far from having human weaknesses. Why is this even here?!
13) Soap: Lucky 13! Finally a point I love again and should be emphasized. Quite funny and in keeping with the character.
14) Backstory: Just picture me reading this a giving it the "Not sure if I should..." squint meme face from Futurama. So, you start out by telling us he's Larry...in Rome. What? But then you give a pseudo-latinate name. Fine. That he gained after burping away a whole temple. Wait, what? Okay, whatever, drunk fool burps away a temple. You know what? It's funny enough to actually be work keeping if this is a joke character (like Altaer). So good. I chuckled at the mental image. But these gods freeze him in solid ice (typos/omitted words made this something I'm assuming from the next sentence). Huh, well, that's the end of Burping Bob. But then he's found (logical), thawed (logical), and examined (logical). But wait...he suddenly cries?! Alright, I thought this fucker was a human with emphasis enough on human weaknesses? You're telling me he's frozen for about 2k years and just thaws out and cries?! AND IF HE WAS, WHO THE FUCK WOULD CRY ABOUT FINDING THEMSELVES ALIVE AND FREE AFTER 2K YEARS OF ICY PRISON?! Oh they just STAND there now, do they? Yeah, right...Oh, and he just INSTANTLY burps and blows up shit. Wow, good going. Nicknamed the dipper after he nearly destroys the lab. Logical...not. Suddenly he's raised by scientists...wait...RAISED?! You never told us he was a kid?! Was given karate lessons when he turned four. TURNED FOUR? So Larry was burping the fuck out of shit as a baby. That explains the crying, but obviously he wasn't a drunk -- he was just burping for shits and giggles. Maybe if his parents had burped him properly this wouldn't have happened, but instead they just fucking left him in the middle of a temple to blow the hell out of shit. Also, he's blowing up temples and labs but isn't drinking so he doesn't have a super burp so his burp only carries 10 feet so he shouldn't be able to destroy -- aw fuck it. PHUCK LIKE A MONKEY'S EAR. Runs away at seventeen because of his burping --- which apparently wasn't a problem for seventeen years until the parents suddenly turned into burpaphobic nutwads. Starts drinking...well, fair enough. "Drank so much beer" -- I'm going to assume he has some kind of latent gifting here, but oh wait, he's a human who even needs an implant to prevent the poisoning (that he doesn't actually prevent). GAH. "Beer...god of wine" -- I just want you to think about that phrase for a moment. Does this even make sense? No, it doesn't. Also, Bacchus wasn't a god of drunks...he was a god of revelers. In fact, his domains cover things that require sobriety like acting and the theatre, the grape harvest itself, etc. That aside, his fertility, madness, and ecstasy sides are more lewd than I'm sure you'll write. Literally this makes no sense for the char. Silenus is the greek god of beer and drunkenness, far more simple and fitting than Bacchus.
15) Personality: Oh, so he's General Dick. Gotcha. See, this char is only workable as a joke char, not a char you legit want to smack. He's got an overly trite tragic background, he should at least be somewhat tenderhearted on some level. Not being able to speak coherently is a bit funny and may work if it doesn't turn into conversation fuckery when it's actually written.
16) Appearance: Fine except for two points. First, the eyes. No no and no again. Not every main characters eyes have to have some kind of heroic piercing gaze. IRL the only people that have this are power-players in world affairs, killers, and soldiers. Maybe occasional randos with unrealized potential. If you hang out in places with drunks, you'll realize their eyes are murky AF in a sense because they don't focus on anything and their intellect is dulled. Just...NO. Second, the muscles. Unless he works out...no. Drinking hideous amounts of beer (or any alcohol) results in fat because of the way alcohol is handled by the body. Even that aside, he's a bumbling drunk. Maybe he's got innate strength, but he would look like any other rounded slob.
17) Demo: I usually don't read demos. But because you seem to have vague AF characters/abilities and it was super short, I gave it a whirl. I'll keep it to only the main points since my brain is tired at this point. First, if this is a wRHG bar, they would have insane security levels, so no random shotguns and fights. Just look at traditional gladiator facilities -- secure as hell. Secondly, the whole "my spot" gig -- as someone who frequents bars, taverns, breweries, wineries, etc...this literally doesn't happen unless someone was actively using it. Like, if they have a glass there and a plate of food, or were sitting in the middle of a group of people, they might have an issue. But if the seat appeared unoccupied, everyone except an utter and complete dick would just be polite and point out "that's my food/glass/friends." Now, I have had people be dicks to me about things, sometimes deserved (snatch their girl at the bar, etc.) sometimes not. Nothing goes far because part of being a bartender means they know how to handle drunks, drinks, bitches, and everything else. First sign of a conflict any bartender worth his ass will be whipping the shit out of the troublemaker, or at the very least stopping any fight dead in its tracks. Thirdly...cyborgs drink? Like, really? Whatever, I can do this. Fourthly, stilted convo aside...MISSING AT CLOSE RANGE WITH A SHOTGUN BECAUSE SOMEONE STUMBLES. This is not a videogame with a hitbox. This is IRL. This does not happen. Smelly is full of pellets, possibly dies, end of story. Fifthly, swings with enough force to knock the cyborg clean out the door. This is possible, but you never indicated he was really strong. Sixthly, "just kidding" is the lamest recovery line every and no one ever believes it...besides, when you fire a fucking shotgun at someone at point blank (and magically miss) chances are you were NOT kidding in the mind of even a goat. Seventhly...the whole "hic" thing is also not something that legit happens when people are drunk usually. An occasional hiccup, but the "hic" gig is 99% the realm of cartoons.. Eightly, the listing of "Sonicus Hedgehogicus OR Larry" is awkward AF. Legit who would give two names? He just listed his full name. Ninethly...Larry. Fucking Larry. Who the fuck named him Larry? His Greco-Roman parents? I mean...really? Or the adopted parents that named him Gassy? Tenthly, I just had to type Tenthly on a few liner demo. Eleventhly, the super burp is just as much the assfuckery I thought it was. Essentially this is the equivalent of detonating a rather large explosive in midair, with fucky physics (if it just blows out windows it wouldn't toss the cyborg to the other side of town...just into a nearby building. If it DOES toss the cyborg that far, the buildings should be flattened). Every 2 seconds at will. Just no. Twelvethly, you show no Karate, just like I suspected and indicating this is tacked on. Thirteenthly, I am ending on the number of death and evil to just summarize this.
18) Extras: Soo...this reeking dickhead managed to father two kids and have a wife. Named fucking JASMINE. I hope she has perfume powers or no nasal cavity. Because literally no woman would fuck this guy. Now, maybe he raped them in a drunken rage. His personality indicates he might be enough of a dick to do that. But no one would marry him. At all. He can't talk, can't earn money, can't hold coherent relations, and stinks like a fucking black death burial pit. AND he's a total dick on top of this.
If you want to do something with him, make him a SMELLY drunk instead of a burping one. You literally named him Smelly but made him Burpy. Go with the Smelly part -- that is both workable and funny. Sure, have some basic burping of some kind of pressure wave (maybe with stench dynamics?) in there if you want. But generally speaking the burping is a total assfucking of logic in itself, impossible in itself, and just OP and boring AF. Cut the karate, it's not even in your demo and doesn't fit. Then you'll have a rather good starting character.
Bucket, Personally: You strike me as creative. You've got a vivid imagination and enthusiasm and I like this. That said, you suffer from not-thinking-this-over disease. You get struck by an idea, and you just go with it. Editing, proofing, even taking time in the first place gets lost in the flurry of creativity.
So, here's the basic writer's method I want you to follow:
1) You get an idea. AWESOME!!
2) Think about it. Don't just write it up. If you need to, scribble/type down a draft to help you think through your thoughts. Seeing them on paper helps.
3) Once your thoughts are sorted, decide if you like it enough to polish it up and refine the idea. If you don't, just bin it, or maybe file it away as a draft idea.
4) If you do like it, polish the idea into a first rendition. Try to pay attention to things like basic language mechanics, overall coherency, clarity, etc. Still, don't worry TOO much...this is just your first rendition, after all.
5) Leave it alone for a bit. For me, I usually do AT LEAST a day, usually more because of IRL distractions. Either way, give yourself time away from the idea without thinking about it.
6) Go back and read it with a critical eye. LOOK for weaknesses in your overall idea rendition. Detailed weaknesses. Major weaknesses. Minor weaknesses. Whatever.
7) If you STILL think it's worth keeping, edit the FUCK out of it. Now, after enough writing you'll hit a point where, if you're like me, you often just edit so much in your head and in the first rendition that this step is more about typos and minor tweaks than anything else. Some people prefer to go faster initially and do tons of edits on this stage. That's just up to individuals. Still, the editing MUST be done. If you think you don't need to edit extensively in at least 2 stages, you're deceiving yourself. Period.
8) Repeat steps 6 and 7 until you are COMPLETELY satisfied. If need be, and you're uncertain, go to someone who is
proven to be a good, reliable writer and run it by them.
9) Finally, when you've done EVERYTHING in your power to refine this idea, bring it to fruition and then don't mess with it again unless it is dynamic in nature and there is REALLY good reason.
^^^Follow this basic process all good writers use (more or less) and you'll start seeing results that take your cool ideas and turn them into workable, quality finished pieces. At the time your work really screams that it's rushed (such as no capitalizing the beginning of sentences often) and not proofed. Rushing is soooooooooooo tempting with good ideas if you're a creative person, but learn to harness that creativity and put it to work instead of just running wild.
Hope
