Personality : Doesn't talk much, usually will reject or turn you down (usually if your not up to her " standards "), loves to over-train to the extremes and loves new challenges (again, only if YOU meet HER " standards ").
This explains a lot.
Ok for starters, Vern covered most of my own concerns with this wRHG. I'm not going to get on the "overpowered" subject, but considering how short stories in this tend to be, her kit seems a little stacked in the sense that you probably won't ever be able to use most of her abilities. I mean I guess you could only use certain ones in certain situations, but that's just my opinion. Personally my character really has two forms, but you only really ever see one, so having that much stuff is almost only there for show it seems. You're just adding abilities for the sake of having a long character sheet. I'd condense it and fit the character into a specific category. (Vengeful reaper, explosive ninja, etc). There's something nice about simplistic, yet complex characters, and yours is just complicated all around.
Also #1, unless a Reaper Maru orgy happened for generations, 87% reaper and 13% maru makes no sense at all. make it 50 50 or 3/4ths or anything that makes a little sense. Please. It bothers me.
Also #2, your demo is...well, not great. You really should use the correct tenses and split your dialogue so it makes sense. It's only a paragraph, and I have no idea what in the world is going on. I think it's a fight? It might be a cook out? It might be a ridiculously lazy, unedited, grammatically wrong paragraph that displays literally one power of the insane amount you have, while not at all demonstrating your writing ability? Like who knows? It's painful to read and I wish I could have back the 4 seconds it took to read it.
Also #3, the scythe killing an immortal person is a paradox. That makes no sense whatsoever. What if they are immortal because their skin is indestructible? In theory, it could kill them, but cant cut their indestructible skin? Raises too many questions. Get rid of this. I don't even think an immortal character exists as far as i know. I could be wrong, but even then, that ability would be useful against that one character.
What the fuck I just realized she can also summon fucking dragons and Wyverns (which, by the way, is a dragon, so that's redundant)? I don't even remotely understand what your character is supposed to be doing. So if she has this absurd amount of powers, wouldn't the overly cliche' revenge plot be solved by her effortlessly killing everyone?
Never mind, they DO effortlessly kill everyone. Glad that cliffhanger was resolved. God what a good read. Why am i even bothering reading Harper Lee's works when gems like that 4 sentence background story paragraph exist. How silly of me.
Seriously speaking, there's a lot wrong with this that needs to be revised. I sound like I'm overly criticizing, but a lot of people take this somewhat seriously. You go into a battle with anything remotely like your demo, and you're going to get crushed.
