Quote from PitchEnder

It's hard enough for me to understand shit.

#Truefacts

Update

Added Thomas Martin, The Demon Hunter

MAXIMUM ATTENTION GRAB ACHIEVED
Added new character and changed the name of my post :D
Also added Demo on Electroshock.

Super Ultra Mega Greek Critique

The main problem I have with your writing for this character is that it's filled with misspellings and grammatical errors. Here's some examples (everything that is bolded is wrong):


There are plenty more errors to find within your writing and all of them could be fixed with a quick spelling/grammar check before you post it.

As for the character, he is very all over the place for me. Your little pre-reveal blurb builds him up to be this athletic badass who can think circles around Albert Einstein. But, he ends up being an archaeologist with rock(?) hands who is said to not even be athletic.

His gloves are rather odd as well. The sticks that he holds can be morphed into different weapons, but most of the weapons seem to be outclassed by the dagger versions of the sticks. The daggers can be thrown and returned to their thrower, so that gets rid of the need for the boomerang. They also have the ability to shoot waves of energy from the daggers, which gets rid of the need for the bow. The sword and pole arm may have longer reach than the daggers themselves, but we know that he can throw the daggers and shoot energy waves with them. So, the extra range of the sword and the pole arm aren't needed.

Finally, I have two more things to talk about. The first one being how you wrote the profile. At the beginning the text is written in a very cocky way, which hints that the character we are going to be reading is cocky as well. But, once I got to the personality section, I saw that this character is more of an optimistic and curious fellow. So, why was the beginning written in the way it was written? The last thing within my last points that I want to talk about is the story. To keep it simple, it isn't that good. At first it's pretty standard, smart guy gets sent abroad to study something he is interested in. From the point where he graduates and on, it gets worse. He goes back to visit his family, which is reasonable, but, instead of spending time with said family, he accepts a job from an unknown employer for seemingly no reason. You say "He of course accepted" as if we are supposed to know how amazing this offer was without you having to tell us. The only information about it that we have is that it involves some kind of old settlement. Is that all this character needed to hear before he was completely on board with the plan? Also, that ending really pushed my buttons. He's randomly attacked by a female bear after he found the ancient stick-twirler pom-poms just because he is near a wooded area. As a person who knows quite a bit about bears, this makes no sense to me. A bear wouldn't just attack someone for the hell of it, especially a female bear. A female bear would only attack a person if she thought said person was gonna fuck with her babies. Stephan was minding his own business, not fucking with any babies. So, why would the bear put its life, and consequently its children's lives, in danger just to have a swing at Indiana Jones?

So, I'm just going to leave you with that. Feel free to ask me any questions.

Quote from PitchEnder

Super Ultra Mega Greek Critique

The main problem I have with your writing for this character is that it's filled with misspellings and grammatical errors. Here's some examples (everything that is bolded is wrong):

Errors (Click to Show)

A few spelling errors.



Sentence structure and a single spelling error.



Starts off past tense and switches to present tense mid sentence. A better version of the sentence would be "He was 30 years old by the time he graduated."



The bear starts off female and then ends up losing its gender by the end.

There are plenty more errors to find within your writing and all of them could be fixed with a quick spelling/grammar check before you post it.

As for the character, he is very all over the place for me. Your little pre-reveal blurb builds him up to be this athletic badass who can think circles around Albert Einstein. But, he ends up being an archaeologist with rock(?) hands who is said to not even be athletic.

His gloves are rather odd as well. The sticks that he holds can be morphed into different weapons, but most of the weapons seem to be outclassed by the dagger versions of the sticks. The daggers can be thrown and returned to their thrower, so that gets rid of the need for the boomerang. They also have the ability to shoot waves of energy from the daggers, which gets rid of the need for the bow. The sword and pole arm may have longer reach than the daggers themselves, but we know that he can throw the daggers and shoot energy waves with them. So, the extra range of the sword and the pole arm aren't needed.

Finally, I have two more things to talk about. The first one being how you wrote the profile. At the beginning the text is written in a very cocky way, which hints that the character we are going to be reading is cocky as well. But, once I got to the personality section, I saw that this character is more of an optimistic and curious fellow. So, why was the beginning written in the way it was written? The last thing within my last points that I want to talk about is the story. To keep it simple, it isn't that good. At first it's pretty standard, smart guy gets sent abroad to study something he is interested in. From the point where he graduates and on, it gets worse. He goes back to visit his family, which is reasonable, but, instead of spending time with said family, he accepts a job from an unknown employer for seemingly no reason. You say "He of course accepted" as if we are supposed to know how amazing this offer was without you having to tell us. The only information about it that we have is that it involves some kind of old settlement. Is that all this character needed to hear before he was completely on board with the plan? Also, that ending really pushed my buttons. He's randomly attacked by a female bear after he found the ancient stick-twirler pom-poms just because he is near a wooded area. As a person who knows quite a bit about bears, this makes no sense to me. A bear wouldn't just attack someone for the hell of it, especially a female bear. A female bear would only attack a person if she thought said person was gonna fuck with her babies. Stephan was minding his own business, not fucking with any babies. So, why would the bear put its life, and consequently its children's lives, in danger just to have a swing at Indiana Jones?

So, I'm just going to leave you with that. Feel free to ask me any questions.

So... Where to start with? Oh right, the begging. I think some grammatical errors can be attributed to the fact that I didn't write this in one go and I took breaks from time to time. Also in the begging of writing this, I wasn't feeling really well that time and didn't pay the attention needed. Also I must have used some words with wrong meaning. I mena, all these apart from my laziness.

That introduction part was more of a comical "sketch". I picture it like when in reality shows or something like that, they make an overexaggerated announcement for the person who is coming.

I am also very aware that I gave a poor description of the gloves. For example they don't morph into the weapon, they emit energy that takes the form of the blade. The daggers were also made somewhat stronger because they are his main weapon. He uses each one circumstantialy. In the demo I tried to show how every weapon works. The boomerang is diferent from the daggers, for example, because it can actually takes a curve and move in more than on ways, whereas the daggers go only straight.

The bear. Ahhh the bear. It is hard to desribe because in greek the bear is called a she. I might not convey the meaning, but the grammatical rules make that kinda weird. I might have not noticed where I changed it from she to it. That's on me. The bear also happened to pass by. She could be searching for food. She could be returning from somewhere. They just met. And also it was Stephan who attacked first ;)

I hope I didn't forget anything again.

So since I'm under the impression that Greek and Pitch are just gonna infinitely add new characters every time I review their shit, I'll be skipping them for this session.

Kamiroo Wolf


Piston, my man, you've got too big a bunch of characters at once for me to dig into. If you've any character in particular you'd like me to review, let me know and I'll have a look.

Azarel


Oster


That's all for today, folks. I'll do Oster's other character and some of Cassandra's, as well as Piston's if he points out any next time.

Quote from Vern

So since I'm under the impression that Greek and Pitch are just gonna infinitely add new characters every time I review their shit, I'll be skipping them for this session.

Vern please. I will be productive someday. You will know when I stop pumping characters out of nowhere.

Updated my test page. Added new characters and edited some. I also finished Technix. His story is the only problem left.

UPDATE: Samael's page got a new weakness (Interference).

Update:

New character: Kabutomushi

CHANGELOG [Dec.14.2017]

- Renamed Samael's MAIN skill "Physical Attributes" to "Ancient Blood".
- Added a tentacle passive to Ancient Blood.
- Added tentacle weaknesses to Weaknesses
- Put each of Samael's Surge weaknesses into their own categories for easy reading

CHANGELOG [Dec.18.2017]

- Added a clearer description of Samael's shadow tentacle weaknesses under Weaknesses
- Added an additional section to "Risk Sponge" under Weaknesses
- Added how strong the shadow tentacles are to "Ancient Blood" under Weaknesses

Update

I present, Kei Shigure.

UPDATE [Jan.5.2018]

- Gave Samael immunity to psychic powers and magic only
- Added weaknesses to disease and poison to "Ancient Blood" under Weaknesses

Is that immunity to direct effects or everything that is to do with magic (e.g. causing your insides to combust versus summoning a giant rock above your head)?