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The Sky Child

Started by: Ficlles | Replies: 17 | Views: 1,170

Ficlles
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Nov 23, 2017 12:42 PM #1485839
Name: Cumulus. Also known as "The pushover", "That weightless dude", "The guy that only drinks water", "The alien", "Bipolar"

Gender: Male

Age: ????????

Appearance (Click to Show)

Abilities (Click to Show)


Story (Click to Show)


Early adulthood-Present (Click to Show)

[/Spoiler]

Weaknesses (Click to Show)

Personality (Click to Show)


Demo (Click to Show)


Battles: None yet.

Points: 0/0/0/0 (please explain the point system to me if you can. I don't understand it :( )

Battle Availability: I'm available.



Please give me feedback on this (if you have any). Constructive Criticism is encouraged.

I want to try and improve this as much as possible.

Thanks!
PitchEnder
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Nov 23, 2017 2:25 PM #1485841
Quote from Oh Boy
Constructive Criticism is encouraged.


I will have criticism... but will it be constructive? Let's find out.

CnC (Click to Show)
GreekGladiator
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Nov 23, 2017 2:33 PM #1485842
Quote from PitchEnder

But, Age is where it gets me. Like I've said 100 times before: If you don't plan on adding information then don't add the category unless it is actually a part of their story. Think to yourself, "Does the fact that his age is unknown really add anything to the story?" If the answer is no, delete it.


Remember Pitch, that the luck of information can also be helpful. Maybe not in this particular case but including that something is unknown can help or just be informative.
PitchEnder
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Nov 23, 2017 2:37 PM #1485844
Quote from GreekGladiator
Remember Pitch, that the luck of information can also be helpful. Maybe not in this particular case but including that something is unknown can help or just be informative.


That's what I was saying in the latter half of the text. If it actually has something to do with the plot, then it's whatever.
Crank
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Nov 23, 2017 7:23 PM #1485852
Minor thing, but as someone who swims on occasion, if I could breathe underwater I would've figure out real quick. Maybe not the first trip to the pool, but he'd for sure notice before that incident
Najenda
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Nov 23, 2017 8:10 PM #1485854
I like the "idea" you have for this character, but it's way too common. Not much is explained and everything is either too bland or broad. There's no "WOW!" factor. And yes, not every single wRHG character you see is going to have this, but still. This NEEDS work, as Pitch's CnC states.

You could revolve the idea of fog for this character for other things, like maybe the fog creates weapons that actually hits people like regular weapons? Just an idea. Maybe someone else has this idea already, I don't really know.

Other than that, may I wish you the best of luck in the wRHG world! (On a side note, changing his personality is crucial to his success. He's a borderline Coward.)
Ficlles
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Nov 24, 2017 12:18 AM #1485860
Wow. Never really thought of that.

I will definitely consider doing that. I held back so much on everything, because I was afraid my character would be too complicated or powerful, so it's great to see that I need to add a little bit more.
Ficlles
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Nov 24, 2017 12:29 AM #1485862
Wow. That's definitely a lot, but then again, I'm quite flawed.

I definitely have a lot to work on, but thank you for your honest opinion. I'll try to edit it the best I can.
Najenda
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Nov 24, 2017 12:30 AM #1485863
Quote from Ficlles
Wow. Never really thought of that.

I will definitely consider doing that. I held back so much on everything, because I was afraid my character would be too complicated or powerful, so it's great to see that I need to add a little bit more.


No no, that's ok! You just REALLY need to work more on it. Don't be scared if it's going to be too complicated or powerful, I thought that too! My new OC *as said in my signature* was going to be too complicated and I didn't want that xd, so I made it a bit shorter. It still has TONS of more detail than yours has, so when Acutelations approves it or some other mod check it out! I'll probably get an elaborate CnC since I'm JUST COMING BACK as well from basically like over a year of hiatus, but that's fine xddd.

Consider my idea, or think of some others. MAKE SURE that you're not using another person's idea, sure it's allowed but it'd be best to make yours *original.* Y'get what I mean? Like yeah, my character can use his energy like kamehameha waves but that's not the signature move that he has, I never actually posted his sig. So it's not a rip off of Goku, just similar in like 1 or 2 aspects. Anyways, fix it up a notch and you'll succeed! I believe in you :3
Alphaeus
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Nov 24, 2017 1:50 PM #1485874
So....I don't want to come off sounding too dickish, but ignore 90% of what you just read.

Big Daddy A is gonna give his thoughts.

Now....Pitch has some great points about the weaknesses, personality, and backstory, but overall the whole "He's not cool/powerful enough" gig is really confusing me right now.

1) You have come up with interesting and balanced powers. KEEP IT THIS WAY. I don't think you need to change anything about that. Are they original for the wRHG? Arguably not (Dr. David MacBeth generates Reflections of himself that are him and fight with him; many people create fog; Sebastian Gladstone creates "pixels" that are soft, white puffy things only he can interact with; electricity is fairly common anyway; Leikani can turn into an icy immaterial mist; etc.). Are they unique together? More or less.

For a first gladiator (ostensibly, I haven't bothered to lurk through your previous posts this morning) this is a good set of powers.

2) The whole "This and That info" deal. It's fine the way you have it...sometimes unknown age CAN be interesting, and it doesn't hurt to have it here. Would I agree that Skylar or the like would make sense, at least as a first/middle name he used in addition to Cumulus? Maybe Skylar Cumulus. Still fitting, but gives him a name that isn't insta-nerd.

3) Weaknesses/Personality. Yes, please, this cannot work here. This is your gladiator. If this was a side character I would say perfectly fine, this works, might create some interesting predicaments. But it's not -- it's the guy you plan to FIGHT with. Fight a lot, hopefully. Fight people who would have more strain from a bout of constipation than fighting this character. Again, your POWERS are fine, and actually will work together to make this char a rather good, balanced gladiator. The personality and weaknesses, however, make him totally impotent. Manipulated? Then Zalgo and MacBeth have life easy for them, and even non-mentally-powerful chars that are just really cunning like Abra would make short work of him. Faint of Heart and all that shit? Lmao, then 90% of the gladiators here would make a mockery of him just by saying "boo." I get your concept, but this execution won't work for this venue.

4) Backstory -- So, the beginning worked out fine. The middle is Edgemaster 3000. The end is just Vagueland Breeze. Backstories are this --- BACK. STORIES. Aka, STORIES that take you BACK into the history of a character. I write sticky note reminders that are longer than this, and that's largely why your personality is off. You've got a mental image of your char, but that doesn't necessarily make who the char actually is. One of the best pieces of advice for writing I ever had was that your characters are real people -- let them think, act, and live for themselves. In other words, you might be writing these stories, but you have created what is SUPPOSEDLY a real being. This being will make choices, take actions, have feelings, etc. that match ITS life, ITS situations, ITS personality....and not necessarily what YOU think it should do. Let the character develop itself naturally -- and the best way to do this is to write a really good backstory for the character, allowing you to get a feel for how this character functions.

5) Lack of information. Just saying, but aside from the backstory I'm totally fine with the length of this application. Chromium7's char sheet is more or less a joke (granted, his char has been around for years and years, so most of the senior folks are familiar with it), but shows that a functional gladiator sheet can be short. You literally tell us all we need to know about his powers and info. Weaknesses need to be revamped, but they don't necessarily need to be longer.

6) Back to weaknesses. One thing I want to say is don't feel pressured into making up weaknesses. The "weaker" you char is to begin with, the less weaknesses he needs. You say he can run out of water and energy, and isn't great in normal combat and is weak. Literally just leave it with that. Maybe add in naïve/inexperienced to the mix. But really you don't need anything more than that.
Najenda
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Nov 24, 2017 3:14 PM #1485876
Quote from Alphaeus
So....I don't want to come off sounding too dickish, but ignore 90% of what you just read.

Big Daddy A is gonna give his thoughts.

Now....Pitch has some great points about the weaknesses, personality, and backstory, but overall the whole "He's not cool/powerful enough" gig is really confusing me right now.

1) You have come up with interesting and balanced powers. KEEP IT THIS WAY. I don't think you need to change anything about that. Are they original for the wRHG? Arguably not (Dr. David MacBeth generates Reflections of himself that are him and fight with him; many people create fog; Sebastian Gladstone creates "pixels" that are soft, white puffy things only he can interact with; electricity is fairly common anyway; Leikani can turn into an icy immaterial mist; etc.). Are they unique together? More or less.

For a first gladiator (ostensibly, I haven't bothered to lurk through your previous posts this morning) this is a good set of powers.

2) The whole "This and That info" deal. It's fine the way you have it...sometimes unknown age CAN be interesting, and it doesn't hurt to have it here. Would I agree that Skylar or the like would make sense, at least as a first/middle name he used in addition to Cumulus? Maybe Skylar Cumulus. Still fitting, but gives him a name that isn't insta-nerd.

3) Weaknesses/Personality. Yes, please, this cannot work here. This is your gladiator. If this was a side character I would say perfectly fine, this works, might create some interesting predicaments. But it's not -- it's the guy you plan to FIGHT with. Fight a lot, hopefully. Fight people who would have more strain from a bout of constipation than fighting this character. Again, your POWERS are fine, and actually will work together to make this char a rather good, balanced gladiator. The personality and weaknesses, however, make him totally impotent. Manipulated? Then Zalgo and MacBeth have life easy for them, and even non-mentally-powerful chars that are just really cunning like Abra would make short work of him. Faint of Heart and all that shit? Lmao, then 90% of the gladiators here would make a mockery of him just by saying "boo." I get your concept, but this execution won't work for this venue.

4) Backstory -- So, the beginning worked out fine. The middle is Edgemaster 3000. The end is just Vagueland Breeze. Backstories are this --- BACK. STORIES. Aka, STORIES that take you BACK into the history of a character. I write sticky note reminders that are longer than this, and that's largely why your personality is off. You've got a mental image of your char, but that doesn't necessarily make who the char actually is. One of the best pieces of advice for writing I ever had was that your characters are real people -- let them think, act, and live for themselves. In other words, you might be writing these stories, but you have created what is SUPPOSEDLY a real being. This being will make choices, take actions, have feelings, etc. that match ITS life, ITS situations, ITS personality....and not necessarily what YOU think it should do. Let the character develop itself naturally -- and the best way to do this is to write a really good backstory for the character, allowing you to get a feel for how this character functions.

5) Lack of information. Just saying, but aside from the backstory I'm totally fine with the length of this application. Chromium7's char sheet is more or less a joke (granted, his char has been around for years and years, so most of the senior folks are familiar with it), but shows that a functional gladiator sheet can be short. You literally tell us all we need to know about his powers and info. Weaknesses need to be revamped, but they don't necessarily need to be longer.

6) Back to weaknesses. One thing I want to say is don't feel pressured into making up weaknesses. The "weaker" you char is to begin with, the less weaknesses he needs. You say he can run out of water and energy, and isn't great in normal combat and is weak. Literally just leave it with that. Maybe add in naïve/inexperienced to the mix. But really you don't need anything more than that.


Didn't want to give an entire CnC because a lot of people here hate me so I went with something simple. If you were referring to me about the character not being "cool enough," I'm sorry but I Never said this. I give up trying.
Also, can anyone tell me why I posted my new wRHG and it hasn't been submitted yet? I posted it around 4 o clock yesterday or 5 so like... Yeah. Idk how the whole submitting thing works.
GreekGladiator
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Nov 24, 2017 5:45 PM #1485882
Quote from Najenda
Didn't want to give an entire CnC because a lot of people here hate me so I went with something simple. If you were referring to me about the character not being "cool enough," I'm sorry but I Never said this. I give up trying.
Also, can anyone tell me why I posted my new wRHG and it hasn't been submitted yet? I posted it around 4 o clock yesterday or 5 so like... Yeah. Idk how the whole submitting thing works.


If I am not mistaken, in the message that appears after you press submit, it says that the thread has first to be approved by a mod before going public. I might be wrong in this so don't take my words too seriously.
PitchEnder
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Nov 24, 2017 7:52 PM #1485888
Quote from Alphaeus
Now....Pitch has some great points about the weaknesses, personality, and backstory, but overall the whole "He's not cool/powerful enough" gig is really confusing me right now.


What? This character won't be good enough till it has at least 1 scythe, the ability to create fog rockets, and a sadistic personality!
Najenda
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Nov 24, 2017 9:18 PM #1485892
Quote from GreekGladiator
If I am not mistaken, in the message that appears after you press submit, it says that the thread has first to be approved by a mod before going public. I might be wrong in this so don't take my words too seriously.


Yeah I know that but it's been almost a full day, just wondering why it took so long. Dw I don't take offense ^^
Crank
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Nov 25, 2017 2:41 AM #1485895
Go ahead and PM a mod about that directly then, should solve the problem.

With the whole character personality, I don't have an issue with a gentle, squeamish lad being your fighter, provided there's a reason. Serif, for example, openly hates the RHG, but risks deportation if he left. I'm squeamish, but if I got drafted to fight in Afghanistan, not really my call.

That said, finding compelling reasons to fight other heroes get harder the juster they both are. If you can justify it, great, but if you can't piece it together, switching wouldn't hurt. The main issue I have with the section is that it seems to clash with itself. I wouldn't call most gentle easily irritated or say they're prone to being passive aggressive

EDIT: And with the demo, it needs to be about your gladiator. I mean, technically it's his origin, but if I was fighting him I'd have no basis. Actually writing one is a good basis if you can use your character or not, and weather or not you do like using them
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