sorry, but i had to deleate this. I wont post this again untill my exams are over. Sorry.

if you do want to read it, pm me for my hotmail and ill send it via msn or email.

sorrrryy

So is this story about a guy who kills people to make them go to heaven?

Good concept poorly executed.

Quote from zawmbee

Good concept poorly executed.

could I see you do better? I know its not perfect.


i guess the story is about a guy who kills to send others to heaven, nut i think theres a little more to it other than that, but thats the base idea.

Quote from Jontiways

could I see you do better? I know its not perfect.

He doesn't need to be better than you to know you are bad.

Well that's jus-

Oh.

My bad. Thought this was something about My Little Pony.

Nevermind.

Quote from Ustartin

Well that's jus-

Oh.

My bad. Thought this was something about My Little Pony.

Nevermind.

what?! please if your gunna comment could you comment about the piece? not something else?

Why would a man do such a horrible thing?

And what inspired you to write this?

something else much much worse inspired me,

he do it becuase he thought it was right?

becuase it was evil or becuase or because of how it was written?

A sudden piercing screech of a car tyres ricocheted to my eardrums.

That's a big problem right here, I blame education, this'll get marks in your SATs and GCSEs, but in real writing, it looks bad, way to many adverb and adjectives, remember "Less is more".

aaaa hahahaah... might it interest you lots that this is my english coursework? Its already sent off and stuff however I do like to show it around and see what others think. Im not cheat since this is already sent in and unchanged.

Jesus Christ you sent this to an examining body?

Enjoy your psych evaluation...

EDIT//

You also spelt saviour wrong.

That's really not good.
It has no deepening elements, nothing to think about, creates no atmosphere. As said before, the concept is good but you didn't execute it good. It lacks insight into the protagonists mind, how he really thinks and feels, no little hints or thoughtful symbols. Pretty weak writing, overall.