Quote from Mantha

Without me though.

Quote from Saсred

Um, what? ^

That's a fucking doppelgänger.

Quote from Sacred

I'm gonna get banned for triple posting,

Quote from Index

woah, now there are three of him!!!!!!!

Quote from Nish

I love how this thread, brimming with emotion and angst, has now turned into a comedy thread with the 3 Stooges. Only instead of Larry, Curly and Moe we have Sacred, Sacred and Apex-Predator.

Quote from Ashlander

C-C-Combo breaker.

Quote from Sacred

Look, if you don't want to hear some stupid little pansy complain about his life and all his menial and unimportant issues, just stop reading now. Anyone who wants to kick someone while they're down can do so here, because it's not gonna put me any lower.

I also apologize for how unlinear this post might be. I'm honestly not on a really good track of mind right now.

Here's the deal. Years ago, I went through a three and a half year depression. I'm not exaggerating this. For three and a half years of my life I hated myself and everything around me. I cried myself to sleep at least once a week. I felt like I was going nowhere, was unimportant, and had zero capabilities or benefits. And the sad truth is that all of that was correct. I didn't know what I was doing with myself and only cared about pleasing others. But that was a failed care because I was always the kid that was unwillingly pushed into the background. I also didn't have much talents besides being mediocre at absolutely everything. Ok at drumming, ok at directing, ok at drawing, ok at sports, ok at talking, just ok at everything. And I tried to thrive on anything so that I could be just more than mediocre. However, my attention span and difficulty of taking something slow along with a character that always wants to feel like he's applying himself held me back from ever doing that.

Now typing all that, I just confirmed to myself what my relapses of depression ever since it ended have been for. It's because none of that has changed. In fact, it's only gotten worse. See because back then I purposely viewed everything with negativity and disregard. One day I tried turning my life around and decided to view everything optimistically. Over the years I've tried maturing that optimistic view into understanding rather than blind faith. However, to this day I'm still in belief that nothing has changed, even with a more understanding perspective. I'm the guy that walks alone while he watches groups of friends pass him up. I don't fit in with the nerds or the geeks, I don't fit in with the jocks or the sports guys, I don't fit in with the musically talented or the druggies, I don't fit in with the mixed guys and girls groups, I don't fit in with fucking anybody.

And I'm not one of those guys that sits back, and whines and complains that no one ever talks to him. No. I've tried my swing at the fucking plate. I ask people all the god damn time to hang out. I respect people and their decisions and who they are. When someone needs a shoulder to cry on, I'm there for them. I don't invade people's personal space and I don't let people run over me. I have no problems with mistreating someone nor do I let them mistreat me. I don't do fucking jack shit to make someone uncomfortable with me. Yet, for some odd reason, not a single person has proven themselves as someone who feels as though they can care about me and have me be the person they want to be around. And the worst part is that I'm the one that comes with the good ideas for us to have a good time. And then we have a good time. And then no one ever tries to replicate it. Meaning they don't try to make plans with me, nor try doing it again. They simply just blow me off.

That's been the focus of my life throughout all my days. Being blown off. Everyone. Not stressing. Everyone, all my friends and acquaintances and people I've tried to form a bond between. Blows. Me. Off. Ditches me. Doesn't tell me the plans have changed. Leave me hanging. Stop responding to me. Last minute tell me they're just gonna go home. Ignore me when I'm around. All of it. It's all happened to me. I've dealt with it through all my life. Middle school,high school, and now College.

Here I am in College for only 2 days. And already, I've been blown off by 3 people I thought were my friends. My roommate, a friend from my high school, barely contacted me over this last Summer. And now he's out on the lake with his girlfriend. I'm here alone at College. Every person I've talked to and tried to have a nice conversation with, eventually just walked away even after trying to maybe hang or form plans. Yet, here are all these fucking giant groups of people, guys, girls, everyone, hanging out with each other, accepting each other, TRYING to actually talk to each other. It seems like from what I can tell, all of these people actually have an interest in each other.

Which then leads me to the one thing that I oh so dearly have feared over and over again as I grew up. I. Am not. Interesting. No one WANTS to form a conversation with me. No one WANTS to hangout with me. No one WANTS to put in effort for me. Why do I say this? Because throughout my entire life looking around and having this constantly happen regardless of my changing and developing personality, there's been one common denominator. Me.

It's always me. Not the asshole that backstabbed his friend. Not the girl that cheated and slept around. Not the people who judge and criticize and hurt each other. Not the dude that does nothing but smoke weed all day. Not the guy that's blessed with people who try to talk to him and grab his attention every day. Just me. Whenever I approach a situation with positivity, I fall flat. Then when I'm pissed and an opportunity passes me up, I fall flat. I always fall flat. No matter how much work I put in, no matter how much effort and belief I have.

My life isn't like a fucking movie where as soon as the character is down and sad suddenly everything turns around for him. No. If my life was a movie, the audience would stand up and walk out of the theatre. Because this movie continuously kicks the protagonist down and is made to depress the shit out of them. Here I am, uninteresting, mediocre at everything. I try to improve myself, but I always fall short. I try to pick up a hobby, but it never lasts. All I do is sit and whine. And that changes nothing. So then I try to turn things around, and that changes nothing. So I try to look at it from a different POV. And that changes nothing. Nothing ever changes. It's always been this way, and it always will be. I don't know why. Maybe the universe just fucking hates me. Maybe God decided to experiment just how long a person can last with rejection.

I don't have a single friend I can trust. They all either dropped me, agreed with everything I said falsely so that they can be accepted by everyone, blown me off, become a shitty person, or stabbed me in the back. And no, I haven't lost someone close to me to death. No, I haven't been injured or beaten before. I have not been put through physical stress just as that. But there's only so much emotional stress you can take before you become that guy who talk to himself just feel sane because he feels like he has no one else. And that's been me for a long time now. I'm posting this on a god damn stick figure forum at the age of 18, that's how pathetic I am. Wanna know the real reason I came back here? Because the communities I tried forming in person all failed miserably. Just like everything else I try to do.

Vent over. Congrats on making it all the way through. Proceed to ignore my post or look down upon it just like everyone else does. I'm done.