There's nothing incorrect about what you're saying work in progress. Nothing at all. The forum reset, however, deleted the portion of the forum that showed I was feeling better. A lot for what you had to say in a sense of "You need to do this..." I already do! I'm spontaneous as hell. I meditate. I live life to it's fullest. I grasp the opportunities in front of me. I focus on myself more than my social life. I'm applying myself much more to the world than just being a talker. I must be a doer.

I'm hoping Cruel can pick up on this as well. And anyone else who understand the feels I've dropped in this thread. It only gets better if you want it to.

It has nothing to do with confidence and I have definitely NOT given up on life as you put it. I have just stopped trying to be socially accepted like most people my age. I don't have social anxiety by any means, and if anything, I am a prideful, cocky mofo. Its just that now I don't care to be in a "group" like I used to. I stopped trying to go out of my way to give advice to morons who dont know how to handle relationships. I stopped TRYING to have legitimate relationships because every time I did, I would end up getting fucked over or disappointed.

And given up on life? I am 17, Im going to live in a foreign country and teach basic art and english at a church, have free lancing opportunities out the wazoo, and am now perfectly bilingual. Not to mention I will finish highschool months early and have a much better financial position for college when I come home in a year.

I have my whole life ahead of me and I have met countless people who are much older and more intelligent than my "friends" in chicago. Ill raise my GPA and will have more scholarships to save even more money on college, then I would love to get a degree in business and communications and hopefully freelance as a graphic designer if i have the time. My mother is VERY famous in the spanish community and has connections all over the world to help jump start my carreer.

So you misunderstood me, I have given up on "fun with friends" and "partying" and have begun focusing on what really matters. In the end, the pathetic groups you form in highschool will disband and never interact with each other again. So why waste my time?


I have not given up my friend.


As for women, you are right. The time will come. But for now, easy sex will have to do.

Fair enough. Don't overdo it though.

Quote from Work in Progress

Fair enough. Don't overdo it though.

Thanks mom.

Quote from Work in Progress

It's the belief that you'll succeed that makes you succeed, not the fear of failing.

Not really. I always believed I would succeed simply because I was always intelligent for my age, and my parents and all of my friends constantly reminded me of that fact. No one really explained that intelligence isn't a replacement for hard work, though, so I never applied myself and eventually that caught up to me.

If I feared failure, I might've done more to avoid it, you know? Not that I think I failed, per se, but my grades in school could've been a lot better if I applied myself, and if I really put serious thought into what I wanted to do with my life I'd probably have my degree by now. But I don't, and it's taught me the value of hard work and really showed me how useless intelligence is unless I use it to accomplish something.

It's all about keeping a balanced and realistic perspective, I guess. I realize that was your point, I'm just saying it in a different way.

That sounds absolutely unbearable. I truthfully hope you experience things in life worth talking about.

"The belief that you will succeed" isnt enough to succeed most of the time unfortunately. I remember when i had that optimistic attitude thinking that if i tried hard enough itd all be better, but it seems that the harder you try, the more you are dissapointed. Because unfortunately, to be "successful" or "succeed" you need to rely on OTHER people for it to become reality most of the time.

I dont care how good of an employee you are, if you have shitty co-workers on your team, you will not do well. I dont care how good of a lawyer you are, if your client opens his mouth and says the wrong thing in court, you will fail with him. The reality is that people WILL drag you down regardless of how much faith you have in humanity.

How do you solve this? Dont rely on others. If whenever possible, do it yourself and do it right and hopefully others will follow your example.

yeah we all go through stages of depression in life whether its for a short time or a long time

Well shit. I didn't think there'd actually be a person somewhere in the world EXACTLY like me, down to the very last sentence (from what I've read so far anyway). It's nice to know I ain't alone. Though I wouldn't consider my case to be so severe, it sure is freakishly similar in a lot of ways. But you know what gets my mood up and going? Drawing hot chicks while sitting in a dark room, listening to Mozart's classics. Yeah. I love that shit.

My best Friend of 14 years died today,(my dog) she was the only true friend I've ever had and now she's gone. Im falling into a deep depression that I don't think ill ever be able to crawl out of...

Quote from Sacred

OP's post

Goddamn, it's like you're writing my biography, verbatim. Even more strangely is that over the past few days I've been thinking about this very thing more and more than usual. I have been in a constant state of acute depression for the past few years, with bouts of optimism and/or good luck. I'm not a social retard, I have nothing outrageously tragic to bitch or whine about, my only problem is that of mediocrity. I have tried dozens of hobbies, got "OK" at them (animating, drumming, guitar, singing, writing, art, calligraphy, programming, animation, video editing, etc etc etc), then got bored and moved on to something else. This is also a reflection of my social life. Being only average at everything is the epitome of mediocrity, and that's how I define myself as a character: mediocre.

Until the age of 11 I was fine, obviously, and I had a couple of close friends. When I then got to high school (UK version) at age 11, things started to go downhill. I made friends with some people who, in the end, ended up "bullying" me more than being my friend. I don't mind that so much, it definitely strengthened my character. I got out of that friendship group after three years and made friends with a couple of other people (people that were, sadly, considered sort of "losers"). These people didn't really care about me, and neither did I care about them. Eventually I found my way into another social group, who were the sort that went to rock concerts and things like that. It was a fairly large social group. I was a newcomer, and I actually fit in there quite well. The sad thing is, I can't remember how it happened, but I stopped hanging out with them all too much, and found myself friends with another social group in the last year of high school (age 16). This other social group was sporty, and I wasn't. They liked me, but I was never their first choice for things, maybe because I was a "newcomer" (though one of the people in this group was my best friend from primary school). They would sometimes go to the cinema and forget to invite me, or they would play football and not invite me because I didn't like football. I was always in their xbox live parties though.

Then we come on to when I went to college (age 17, 2 years ago). I thought that this would be a fresh start, because everyone would be making new friends. Alas, I fell back into old patterns. At the start of college, due to me not having gone out in a while, I was pretty socially awkward. This led to me not making many friends at the start. I used to stand with the people that had gone to my high-school at break time, because at the start people tended to stay with those that they knew. But I was always the one that was just there, in the corner, occasionally saying something, but not really the focus of any conversation. At lunch times or big free periods I would go home (I only lived a 20 minute walk away). I did make one friend from my previous high school that seemed to see me as more than just a piece of talking scenery, and we would play pool together every wednesday. In the second year of college (age 18, one year ago) I was a lot more confident and mature. I made more of an effort to become one of the group. I started going out with my first social group (that stood together at break times the previous year). I made one or two close friends that, when we were alone together, would really get on well with me. Our senses of humour bounced off each other really well. I didn't like going clubbing, but I put up with it to remain a part of the group. However, only those one or two friends considered me more than someone that was just there, so I still didn't fit in.

The one friend that I really got on well with was one that wasn't in that group of friends that I was hanging around with. We would play pool in our college frees and also play snooker together every wednesday evening. He was honestly the person that I found easiest to speak to, more than anyone I've ever spoken to. One day he said I should come to the pub with him and his work friends on the weekend. I did, and towards the end of that night I'd made 5-6 new friends that actually seemed to enjoy my company more than passively. They asked me for my number, and said I'd better come out with them all again. I did. I started going out with those lot on fridays/saturdays for about 2 months. It was really good. But, despite my efforts, towards the end, I became more and more of a background character. Perhaps the novelty of be being a new member of the group had worn off. I knew all along that I was never fully a part of the group, because they'd all go out driving to places together in the week without inviting me, and only see me on the weekend. Eventually on the weekends they stopped inviting me. Now even the friend that I got on really well with doesn't invite me out with them any more. He messaged me a month ago saying "when are we gunna go for a beer?" and I said "up to you man, just let me know when", and I haven't had any more word from him. Now all that I do socially is go around a friend's house to watch some American football with him and one other (which I'm doing in a couple hours time). I'm not sure whether they do that with me because they enjoy my company, or whether it's just because nobody else that we know actually enjoys American football. Oh well, I enjoy my own company, and will be doing a lot of reading, working, studying, and hopefully travelling by myself. I'll just have to hope that eventually I find some people that value me more as a person and a friend, and put as much effort into being my friend as I do into being theirs. I've given up trying with people that obviously don't want me to, though, because that's just pathetic. If they don't value me then they don't deserve me.

The worst part of all of this, and something that's quite hard for me to talk about (but I'm typing so I should do just fine here), is last November when I met a girl. I won't go into too much detail because it's a long story, and those that frequented the relationship thread might know a little about it anyway. This girl (Megan) is bisexual and has/had a girlfriend. I fell in love with her. We were the best of friends, and I really do mean that. After all that I've just told you, you can understand why having someone that really is my friend meant a hell of a lot to me. She truly did care about me. We would text each other pretty much constantly (when we weren't occupied with college lessons). Like every 2-5 minutes I'd get a response, and there would be 200+ messages sent every day. She would even hide in the toilets from her girlfriend to text me, because her girlfriend was a bit controlling and got jealous. We spent time together alone, and really hit it off, and being in her company was something unlike anything I can describe to you. Despite knowing I couldn't be with her because she had a girlfriend, this was still the happiest time of my life. Eventually she told me that she had feelings for me, and we spent a day together where she cheated on her girlfriend with me. I don't regret it because her girlfriend is a serious bitch for reasons I won't go into. This was the best friendship I've ever had. You have to understand, she was a part of my life, and me a part of hers, so much that when we couldn't text each other for one night, the next day we told each other how horrible it was not being able to speak to one another for even one night. I was (and still am) head over heels for her. She told me that what happened between us (the cheating) couldn't happen again while she was in a relationship, and I agreed. We spent a couple more times alone together, getting close but never doing anything, and she was still sat next to me in my philosophy class. But, towards the end of February, for some reason, she gradually stopped talking to me. She was still friendly with me in lesson, but she stopped talking to me. I was the one that would initiate all conversations, and she would finish them quickly. College ended, and I had no contact with her. I tried to re-initiate our friendship dozens of times; our friendship was what I valued above all else, above all romantic feeling. I could never get it going again. Now it's been three months since she's said a word to me. I removed her from facebook and unfollowed her on tumblr. I can't forgive her for what she's done to me: she's given me the best friendship I've ever known, made me feel as if I was the most special person to her in the world, made me think there was a chance of me being with her, then just stopped talking to me, for no apparent reason. I still love her and I can't forgive her. So, pretty much, the only one good friendship I've had, and my first experience of love, ended shittier than I could have imagined.

I guess I'm destined to be some background character in the backdrop of people's lives, never really becoming of importance.

So yeah, I know dat feel bro :(