Zoe Thanatos Vs Serena

Started by: Cruel | Replies: 7 | Views: 1,055

Cruel
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Mar 12, 2014 7:57 PM #1174489
This was a battle I originally had intended to make for a clan war, but due to confusion, apparently we are taking that in a different direction. So I finished this story a little prematurely and decided to make it an unofficial battle.

Here is the link to my opponents wRHG page: Serena the Deathsinger

Mine is in my Sig.

It is highly recommended you read the description of her powers before reading the story, because it assumes you know the affects of the different melodies and songs she sings. However, I'm pretty straight forward in my writing so you should be ok if you're lazy and don't feel like reading through her complicated style of battle.

Zoe Vs Serena (Click to Show)


If this belongs in the wrhg battle section for whatever reason, I will ask a moderator to move it. Otherwise, CnC is greatly appreciated.
Hewitt

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Mar 13, 2014 12:55 AM #1174584
This belongs in the battle section...if this was actually a sanctioned battle between you and delor. Otherwise, this is just "a story with a misleading title, that happens to be a battle".

So which one is it?
Cruel
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Mar 13, 2014 4:16 AM #1174657
Quote from Hewitt
This belongs in the battle section...if this was actually a sanctioned battle between you and delor. Otherwise, this is just "a story with a misleading title, that happens to be a battle".

So which one is it?


Story with a misleading title then. This wasnt official in any way at all, but put it where you see fit. Im just looking for cnc on this really.
Hewitt

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Mar 21, 2014 1:34 AM #1178095
Quote from Cruel
It was a peaceful day. The grassy field swayed elegantly as a peaceful breeze passed by. The air was fresh, but slightly humid. Summer had just begun and that meant the seasonal rains would come soon. The mountains


THE MOUNTAINS...WHAT. We're only at the first paragraph and it's already broken. Not a good sign. Also a "peaceful" breeze? As opposed to what, a violent one? How is a breeze peaceful anyway. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. There's work to be done.

I gotta ask: I know you're in Mexico or something and it says Chicago in your location, but is English really your first language? It's just weird; your piece appears to have been looked over and proofread for a 2nd draft and yet there are mispellings spread around the place. And these aren't just noob mispellings. They're blatant. Almost as if you find them to be the correct spelling. Just use a checker next time, dude. I also spotted a few misused pronouns and had to read back to be sure Zoe was actually a girl.

Anyways, lots of telling. Wonderful. It's not as obvious or pitiful as say Cassandra's or other noobs who like to use vague things like "he evaded and attacked back", but it's there. There are parts that sound like it could've been more interesting if it were expanded upon, but we never get to see them. And it's a pity too because Serena is a song-based adversary, so the writer is actually in a unique position to elaborate and prolong the scene and ambiance, foregoing the usual quick and dirty action these battles all seem to have a common theme for. But that instead has been downplayed to be like any other battle. We are plunged into it directly and 'singing' in this battle is treated as any other action like punching or kicking.

I mean, I can understand if all Serena does is attack with single pitched notes, but these are actual hymns we're talking about. They take time to sink into, and the reactions to these songs are just meh or not mentioned at all. There's a foreboding sense of fear and dread when something you can't exactly fight directly is all around you, seemingly manipulating and shaping the battle. That's what I wanted to see here.

Another reason why I think English isn't your first language is because you don't get to use alot of complex words. This is the other extreme for the common problem of abusing the thesaurus; you use far too simple terms to describe otherwise meaningful things and concepts. Often times, I feel like I was reading a children's book for teenagers. Somewhere between James and the Giant Peach and Shiloh. You're capable of elaboration and description, but they feel procedural, like you're just reporting a set of events which I'll admit managed to build a little tension, if that was even the intention. Let's break it down in your first real paragraph:

Quote from Cruel
The clouds darkened over head as the two women made eye contact. Zoe re-adjusted her jacket as she prepared for the fight to come. She hated fighting, especially another woman. She brushed the hair out of her face and readied her stance. She had no idea what she was up agianst. The woman had straight black hair, like hers, but it was significantly longer and reached down to her waist. Her black leather armor looked old, very old. Not so much that it had been through battle, but more as if it had been sitting in a chest waiting to be worn for years. Her eyes were peircing and she had a slim figure. The woman reminded Zoe of herself in many ways. Mostly the fact that she didn't seem talkative.


- Don't tell us she hates fighting women. Show us her inner fears, her attempts to avoid it, her thoughts. What fighting women reminds her of.

- Don't tell us she has no idea what she's up against. Show us the trepidation in her stance; her doubts, and over-cautious nature. Show us how mysterious and foreboding Serena appears before her to give both Zoe and the reader a sense of dread for the unknown. Also, this statement makes absolutely no sense since it directly contradicts the next paragraphs about having Zoe read up on her opponent and explaining exactly what she does. So she has no idea about her but knows all her moves?! Yeah.

- Your description of her armor is shoddy. I suppose you did it because it was going to be referenced later when it cracked. But I know you can do better than telling us that it was old and make a passing reference to a chest. Where has Zoe seen such a chest before even? What emblems did the armor have? What era did you think could it have come from? Zoe is an angel/divine being for chrissake. It would've been interesting to see her perspective on ancient things and where they've been. Her reactions to seeing and realizing it also could've been used to paint her character more. It was a wasted moment to me, because it could've been used to describe and build up characterization.

- Don't tell us that Serena reminded Zoe of herself. Yes, she didn't seem talkative...that's it? But why? I'm sure if people saw Zoe anytime they'd be speechless too. Are they reminding Zoe of herself as well? I don't think so. Elaborate more.

Rinse and repeat for every other paragraph in your piece. That's really all I can say. It's a common trait these newbie battlers have; they often just attempt to emulate their animation-counterparts and put the most meat into their battles with utter disregard for the intricacies of it. We're writers. We weave things by showing people how things work. Saying that Serena or Zoe is there is not the equivalent of drawing their respective sticks.

But that's not to say the battle itself is any better. It's certainly managed to mask the vague parts of the piece since it moves alot faster in pace. But careful reading still manages to catch onto a few erroneous sentences that make me wonder if this was truly proofread. I'm not gonna go into it all as I always do because that will take a fucking long time. You're a big boy, you figure it out yourself. I'm just here to toss in a few nitpicks:



Quote from Cruel
Serena closed her eyes and began singing a Nordic song of war. Zoe picked up her speed and jumped at Serena, spinning in the air as to land an overhead kick. An old, dirt covered warrior emerged from the earth in front of Serena and held a bronze shield up, blocking Zoe's kick. The creature wore an anciant helmet and armor caked in the dirt it had emerged from. It appeared to be made of bronze and didn't seem to be alive for that matter.


First just getting this grammatical error out of the way...read your last sentence. Made of bronze AND undead? Which one is it? You attempted to describe the shield/armor and creature at the same time respectively, but you ended up referring to one or the other with both adjectives, which makes NO sense.

Anyways, on to the meat of it: So you're telling me that the time it takes for Serena to sing a SONG of war (and not just a few notes), have an undead warrior rise from the earth, and block Zoe's overhead kick took the exact same time for Zoe to pull off said kick. Perfectly, I might add, and not completely by surprise. Bullshit. I know I've said it before that the singing takes time but even if you can justify that, there is no way you can cut the time of the succeeding parts. The act of an undead fiend climbing from the ground--from a point that it was previously unseen---takes time! You don't just JUMP up like a Diablo enemy and there you are. You're covered and buried in dirt and you have to claw your way up to the surface. I'm not basing this on Serena's bio which I have already read, but in your description of the act. It just makes no sense.

Moreso, it would've been nice to know what a "Song of War" sounded like. I know even Delor didn't elaborate on it, but that doesn't give you an excuse to take it as it is. To Serena and Delor's POV, they know what a Song of War sounds like. You don't. Zoe doesn't. Since we're reading her perspective, it ought to sound different for her. She doesn't even know it's called a Song of War so it makes no sense. Even if she read up on her as previously stated, how would she know that that one particular tune was a Song of War prior to the rise of the undead. Her bio even says "Pitch doesn't matter." so there was really no way to tell.



Quote from Cruel
"We can talk this out." Said Zoe, trying to negotiate. "I know our clans are at war, but we don't have to do this." The woman closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. There was no avoiding this. Zeo would do what needed to be done. Aiba saved her life many times, and she would fight for his cause no matter the cost.


Who the fuck is Zeo (like I said, spellchecker por favor). But more importantly, who the fuck is Aiba? That's another thing I hate about some of these stories is that you're expected to read up on previous tales. I'm a firm believer of a standalone style. Even the Harry Potter books for awhile, had to elaborate on what happened in the last book in a single paragraph before moving on with the plot. Not explaining things and expecting us to research on our own is just lazy. Moreso you tell us to read up on Serena but not on whoever the hell this guy is suppose to be.



Quote from Cruel
Zoe had read up on her opponent before hand. She was a siren by the name of Serena. She used sound to attack and would be weak in an up close fight. The trick would be getting close before her sound waves tore her to peices. She had to assume that Serena knew of Zoe's abilities as well. Zoe surveyed the landscape. She stood in an open field, so that meant no cover. The grey clouds overhead predicted rain as they circled over the two women. The wind picked up and blew both ladies hair aside as they mentally prepared themselves for battle.

Zoe was going to avoid using any of her abilities. She didn't want to kill her opponent by mistake, or worse, lose control and erase her existence entirely. She had learned to control her angelic eye quite expertly, but her demonic eye was still a probable path to her transforming. She had to avoid that at all costs.


This isn't Zoe's mind. This is yours. You are strategizing as an author and directly relaying your thoughts on what you wish to happen. There is nothing in Zoe's bio that suggests she is a tactician of some sort who likes to plan all avenues of defeat. And of course she wasn't going to use her eye unless necessary because of the obvious consequences. Incorporating that into her own subjective strategy is common knowledge and redundant since it is a move that is to the best of her ability, she would rather not do at all and was even reluctant to all throughout the battle. Also, I just remembered. Earlier, you said that Zoe adjusted her jacket. But she wore a coat. I know that's basically semantics but it's just eating me.



Quote from Cruel
Zoe switched her stance and rushed in again. If she was going to get to Serena, she would have to take out the Warrior she summoned. Zoe spun and kicked at the creatures leg, but it expertly moved its foot and thrust its shield forward, knocking Zoe back once again. Zoe, frustrated at failing to connect a hit twice now, jumped up as if to kick from over head again. The creature raised its shield to block the blow, but instead of kicking, Zoe landed on the bronze plated metal and flipped behind the creature, right in front of Serena. She spun her hand back attempting to land a back handed punch at Serena, But before she could connect, the warrior spun and grabbed Zoe's arm with an iron grip, halting her fist inches from Serena's delicate face. The warrior threw Zoe back once again, this time off balance so she fell to the ground.


Ugh. I hate it when people describing fight scenes attribute the battles like an animation or a video game. When have you ever read a battle sequence that used the term "failing to connect a hit". If you were describing someone playing Street Fighter yeah. But an actual battle? Just no. Also, "stances" are vague and lazy. She turned into a defensive stance. She changed her stance. What does it mean??? SHOW us.

Now look at the sentence in bold as that is the reason I quoted this: It's impossible. Impossible physics. If the creature didn't know she was going to land on him, and instead expected another kick, he would block at an angle and not directly horizontal. This would have made it impossible for Zoe to use the shield as leverage and flip behind the creature. It also sounds a bit wrong... Zoe jumpkicks. The creature blocks. Suddenly, she just if I'm interpreting this correctly---teleports above him and jumps on him to flip behind the creature.



So yeah, I'm gonna stop right here, because I'm butt tired. I don't like cnc-ing things all the way when there are so many bumps in the road. Learn your perspectives and characterization. Study physics. Study showing. Don't rely on previously established canon to justify having never to mention them again. Personally, you shouldn't have to ask us to read Serena's bio for anything other than her story. But even at that, a good writer would have been able to elaborate everything given the tools at hand. The Bio was for you and him to use, bur for us the reader we expect a finished work. Not a referential one.
Lobotomizer
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Mar 21, 2014 5:06 PM #1178425
To add on...

Don't start sentences repeatedly with 'He...', 'She...', 'Her...', '[insert character's name here]'s....'. It makes your descriptions very standard and robotic, as if you were reading from a list. This is not Harry Potter and the accounting sheet, you have to try to mix it up a little. Reading stories from her writers will give you an idea.

Also, your character having read up on their opponent's powers is a very poor excuse for you to call out their attacks. Having the character watch their opponent take a stances and realising that they're about to use their "king style ultimate god slayer blaster wave" skill can easily break reader immersion. Just like how you called on Serena's 'song of war' and never elaborated on it more than its name, which is, as Hewitt said, something Zoe should have never known. You're also robbing yourself of being able to describe the 'surprise' element of seeing the opponent's tactics/powers for the first time, which could make the battle more interesting.
Cruel
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Mar 28, 2014 4:15 AM #1181006
Thank you Hewitt for the extensive Cnc (and you too lobotomizer). I did proof read it once, but I never ran it through a spell checker because I just wanted to get this particular thing over with. And spelling aside, I will take all your comments into consideration as I write my next....whatever I write. I apologize for the delayed response to this, but I really appreciate the time you put into reading through and correcting me where I needed it. This should help me improve. If I repeat mistakes, don't even bother to Cnc.
Hewitt

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Mar 28, 2014 4:20 AM #1181008
Yes. Finally I got your attention. I'm just glad you finally got to read it. I had to hint at it three times just to get you to read here. Much appreciated for your vindication.

But seriously why is your first paragraph chopped off like that.
Cruel
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Apr 6, 2014 4:18 PM #1184515
Quote from Hewitt
Yes. Finally I got your attention. I'm just glad you finally got to read it. I had to hint at it three times just to get you to read here. Much appreciated for your vindication.

But seriously why is your first paragraph chopped off like that.


Yeah I've been pretty inactive lately, so sorry for the delayed responses. I'm working on something else and I hopefully avoid some of the mistakes I made in this. I'll also run it through a spell check too because the grammar and spelling in this is atrocious.