Lol I feel sort of guilty about this. Did I just kill the thread with my CNC or did I kill it because I
stopped CNC-ing?
Anyways.
*click pen*
Hewitt was full of venom.
...because he was poisoned? Because he had a bad mood and needed a time out? Because he was cursing all the goddamn time? The next set of sentences fail to imply exactly what this venom is especially the part where you say that he fought valiantly.
He had fought valiantly, bringing down knight after knight as he fought in futility to give his death some kind of meaning.
You don't fight in valiance then fight in futility. You fight
with valiance, but that valiance proves to be futile. The former implies that he is going through 2 states of mind.
Also, if his fighting is futile, then it's
meaningless period. To give meaning to a futile attempt is just plain wrong.
But it seemed that his display had only prolonged his life a few pointless days more. The Black King respected strength, and he was to be given an honourable death.
I have to question the Black King's methods of determining "strength". If he's been sieging for days and the village hasn't given out does that mean the village is strong too? The fact that he is just an endurance fiend is enough to easily impress this guy. And where is he this whole time? How is he able to observe this for days on end. I can't help but think that he's just offscreen somewhere going "Yes yes...good form. Very strong. I will spare THIS one." And for that matter, fighting for days implies that there are breaks in between. Are you saying that Hewitt just kept fighting 24/7 and the BK just acknowledged that he has good resting skills?
You are telling the audience that Hewitt is a hardass fighter who just won't go down. Instead, you should be
showing us. Have the BK overlook the guy doing well on the battlements. Have him talk to a minion or some shit about how this one just won't die. Then have the BK gruff or something. Annoyed that he'd have to allocate an extra amount of mooks just to deal with this guy. Or possibly nostalgic of a similar individual in his lifetime that also managed to come this far. Show us that the BK is treating Hewitt differently from the other guys. Show us that Hewitt is on his last legs but not really down for the count. Don't be lazy.
That much wasn't what had him in a foul mood. In a different part of the village, another one of the village's strongest warriors had done the same thing as he.
Same thing as who? The BK or Hewitt? You're misplacing your pronouns in an attempt to dramatically introduce a yet-to-be-named character.
Completely unarmed, he had evaded capture and made the burning village his hiding spot,
I think you meant to say that he's choosing certain spots in the village in order to evade direct attacks so he can pick them off stealthily. That's not what this sentence says though. It's saying that the whole village is literally his hiding spot as if anything outside-the-village is what he's hiding from. This begs the question as to why he doesn't just run away.
"I could say the same to you. I only wish I could kill you myself." Jutsu shot back.
Wait wait WHAT. Is he talking with Hewitt or the BK or someone else? You said that this guy was in
another part of the village. Did he just teleport into the scene or something? And where is the BK in all this and how is he able to multi-task observing them both and why doesnt he do anything about it?
Also, I'm only guessing he's talking with Hewitt because I assume you're writing on the context of our real-life antagonism, but if this were a Bob and Andy story, I would have thought that he was just talking to a completely third person who just refuses to be named.
He strained again against his bindings uselessly.
I think the word youre looking for is "struggle". Straining just feels wrong, like, he's just trying to twist his muscles regardless of whether or not he's in chains.
...also...how has he been able to pick off the knights when his arms are
SHACKLED together?!
"You've given up, too. You're not even trying to escape. Are you really that spineless to go to your death without a fight?"
I can understand that Hewitt could see Jutsu's sneaky attempts at slitting throats and hiding around as "giving up" because Hewitt is implied to be a
valiant fighter and thus such tactics are beneath him and he doesn't consider them as "fighting", but I don't think this was intentional. If it was, good job. THAT is showing not telling. THAT's what you should be doing. If it wasn't, yeah. Boo for you.
"There's no point in trying to escape here, you nitwit. I'd be spotted by guards and possibly killed on the spot.
He seemed to be doing rather well "using his quickness to break necks and shatter legs". Why is he worried about getting killed by guards when he is clearly capable of defending himself. In the middle of a siege. Where hiding is a plus 1 modifier to his sneakiness roll.
Grunting, Jutsu relaxed the strain on his wrists.
Or Jutsu stopped
struggling.
Hewitt scoffed.
I just don't like descriptive talking words in general unless its significant. To scoff means to go "Psh" and I doubt he wouldn't have the composure to actually say that after fighting with
futility for days.
Just use "said".
thinking thoughts that he'd never dare think before.
Thinking you say? With thoughts? As opposed to what? Carrots? And then you use the same verb anyway. This is not just redundacy but shoddy telling. Show us the image in his head and his reaction towards it.
Hewitt had to force the words out of his throat when he opened his mouth to speak.
Why would he force it now that he has Jutsu's attention? It's not like Hewitt was resisting all this time. He
wanted them to work together. It was Jutsu who was being an untrusting pussy about it.
Devour's piece has been devoured.
