Battle of Genre :: Round 2 | ACTION/ADVENTURE |

Started by: ErrorBlender | Replies: 116 | Views: 10,464

roBEAT
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Dec 3, 2015 1:44 PM #1420491
Quote from ErrorBlender
Or I can have random guests fill the void. Like a wildcard opponent.

Like Jesse, Lobo, acute, etc.


I could also possibly help filling since I might have or not have a period of class tests and similar shit when you need someone. Just ask if you need.^^

Quote from RichardLongflop
Mine might be bad because it's hard to see the screen with my head so far up my own arse.


Aren't u used to writing like that? ;)

But seriously, what??? Is there any context (or do you just like it this way?)
ErrorBlender
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Dec 3, 2015 1:58 PM #1420496
Are you free now, roBEAT?
buckethead
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Dec 3, 2015 2:08 PM #1420498
my entry will be a little late. Final week of school this week and all. but I have more time to finish it by sunday or so I hope. Maybe Monday at the latest.
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Dec 3, 2015 2:09 PM #1420499
Good to hear, buckethead :) We still have a long way to go so I hope you'd stay :D
buckethead
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Dec 3, 2015 2:19 PM #1420501
I am not leaving until someone drags my rotting corpse off of my keyboard. I may not be the best writer but I will give it my all no matter how far behind the leader I am.
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Dec 3, 2015 2:22 PM #1420504
Quote from buckethead
I am not leaving until someone drags my rotting corpse off of my keyboard. I may not be the best writer but I will give it my all no matter how far behind the leader I am.


As long as you write something, It'll probably be better than mine
roBEAT
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Dec 3, 2015 4:33 PM #1420556
I will be kinda free after next friday since there are two class tests (one of which is a 5 hours long math test) and a presentation waiting for me next week. But I'll have less things to do after that, so I'll be available.

So yeah, I will be available at the 12.12..
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Dec 3, 2015 8:34 PM #1420597
Alright, I was gonna wait out Aquila and see if he can post first and I can see my competition, but I guess that won't work out huhhhhh?

Anyway, here's my entry x3

Spoiler (Click to Show)
earable heat, the cloudless sky granting no reprieve. Rain hadn't fallen in the region in nearly two months now, nearly evaporating the riverbed as shallow waters crashed against small, jagged rocks. The river was surrounded by an area with virtually no shade to be had and grass that was turning to a rotten brown. The Rocky Mountains rested on the horizon, looming menacingly next to the sun.

Even in the merciless heat, there was a man at the shore of the shallow riverbed, crouching among the rocks. His brown skin had darkened from his time in the light, his straw hat only serving little comfort as sweat ran down his face. In his shaky hands rested a pan filled with water and smaller rocks. He exhaled--He'd been crouching down in this position for hours on end, and still found nothing to show for it. The rumors of copious gold in this area seemed to be nothing more than a myth.

He turned over his shoulder, glancing at the angle of the sun and cursing himself quietly. He didn't have much time before the sun went down, and by then he'd have to retreat back to his cave and wait for his tribe to return with food for the night. He had told his tribe of this spot, and told them that it would give them the riches to mount an offensive against the Americans and take back what was theirs. However, without the profits to buy sufficient weapons, they were sitting ducks.

He went through the pan one more time with little hope, and suddenly found the jackpot--A nugget of yellow, entrapped between two much larger chunks of eroded rock. His lips curved into a grin, and in his head he jumped for joy.

"Yes," He spoke quietly to himself, "Yes!"

The celebration hit a sour note, however, as he heard a familiar click. A heated barrel was pushed into the back of the native's head, "I'm gonna need you to put that pan down."

The man didn't dare turn his head, suddenly obedient under the gun of the American bandit. He set the pan down before him and stayed still, breathing in and out softly, "We're not making any trouble."

A low scoff, "That's kinda funny, see, cuz...I think you are," The man cringed in discomfort, "The prospectors want this land, and you've been refusin'. It's like you wanted me and my boys to come up here."

The man shut his eyes tightly, waiting with baited breath. The bandits had come to California on the railroads about six months prior, around the time the euphoria of the Gold Rush died down and the hardships of life in the West began to set in. These days, the only ones who make it big are the mining companies and the occasional rich eastern man. As gold became more scarce, Americans grew more desperate and began to blame anyone that wasn't white--That's where the bandits found their profit.

"The mining companies are paying some big dollars to see your tribe's heads on their wall," The man began to notice the white folks that were suddenly surrounding him. All of them held dusty revolvers in their hands, their scruffy beards shadowed by a brown leather sun hat that rested above their brows, "And I ain't one to turn down cold, hard cash."

A burst of anger resided in the native, a burning heat in the pit of his stomach, "You--American Jackals," He turned his head, glaring at the ringleader, gun now pointed at his forehead, "You took the children away from their homes and made them your own. That, you will pay for."

The bandit known simply by his first name, Jackson, looked down at the brown-skinned man with greedy hazel eyes, a chuckle passing from his parted lips. Fortunately, he wasn't shot, but he was met with a hard smack in the face with the revolver, causing him to crumple to the ground, foot resting in the shallow waters. Jackson pointed the revolver back to his face, and now he was looking down the barrel of multiple hand guns, "Sorry, hand twitched on me."

Jackson smirked, spitting on the torso of the man on the ground, "Now why don't you go ahead and tell me where your other Indian friends are?"

In a bid of desperation, the native's eyes darted away from the bandits and toward the horses they had rode in on. He could see the faces of his brethren crawling behind the horse's hind legs, shovels and rocks in their hands. Hope found its way into the man's fearful heart.

The bandit followed the man's gaze suspiciously, meeting the eyes of a savage man at the moment that they all jumped from withered shrubbery and behind horses. Jackson lifted his revolver, a gunshot echoing across the region as one of the native's fell to the ground, a clean hole in the center of his face.

Yet, Jackson's quick thinking wasn't exactly identical to the rest of his gang. They screamed out, lifting their revolvers only to have their face caved in by a large rock. A quick whack with a shovel knocked another one unconscious, and another was impaled in the throat by a large stick. The leader was shocked at the ambush, completely ignoring the Indian in the river as gunfire remained prevalent through the screams, smoke billowing into the sky.

It wasn't too long before Jackson realized it was time for a retreat. They may have the Indians outgunned, but they doubled the numbers of the bandits. As some of the men writhed in a pool of their own blood, others ran to their horses. Jackson back stepped toward his own horse, grabbing any guns he saw on the ground and pulling the trigger, mowing down a few more men before jumping onto the animal. He kicked the horse's side, forcing it to gallop away at intense speeds as the natives chased them as far as they could, eventually giving up.

The bandit looked back over his shoulder. The brown grass had been painted red as members of his gang and Indians alike lied on the ground, dead. Both suffered the same number of casualties, however it was a much smaller blow for the tribe considering their population. He looked to the other horses containing men with wide, terrified eyes. It was an experience Jackson would want to forget, but with the money the company was offering, he knew he was going to eliminate from the map--One way or another.

****

The horses whinnied as their gallops turned into slow strides, walking down the dirt road that lead into the group of abandoned homes. Windows had been broken open and doors had been taken nearly off their hinges among the faulty foundation of the buildings themselves. One of the signs hanging from the front of it read 'Bobby's General Store'. Another store close by read 'Gold Mining Supplies', scribbled with red paint. Jackson shook his head, "Tch."

To some people, this town held memories and mementos that couldn't be forgotten; It was one of the first towns that people found gold, resting near a riverbed that had dried out during the atrocious drought. To the gang of merciless bandits, however, it was just another abandoned boom town for them to reside in.

The hooves of the horses clomped softly against the hard dirt, moving past buildings that had been broken down by looters and dust storms until they came across a home that was rather well kept. The windows were still intact, although the door had been completely taken out. The foundation stood tall and it was clear based on the hoove prints in the dirt that the bandits had made it their living space.

As the horses made a complete stop at the side of the home the bandits hopped off, only now noting the horses that had gone missing, the ones empty of a rider. In dismay, they realized that they had either been killed by the natives or ran off into the dry fields. The unofficial bandit leader walked into the home first, grasping the bucket of water at the wall next to him and submerging his hands. Jackson scrubbed them a bit, wiping the blood and dirt away before splashing it against his face. The cold water felt like a fresh relief to the soul, grabbing a dirty rag and drying himself off.

There was a stark silence between the six remaining bandits as the rest of them sat down upon rickety chairs and a table with cards scattered across the top. They all seemed rather distressed, glancing over to Jackson as he stared out from the dirt-grimed window. He exhaled slowly.

The man at the far corner of the room, put a leg on the table, his black boots now worn down to a dark grey as his hat sat down on his chest, "Them guys had wives and kids, man.." He said softly, voicing what the others had thought.

The leader frowned, staring from the window and to the ground, gripping the window sill tightly. Jackson shook his head slowly, his face shadowed by the presence of his hat, "Don't you think I know that?"

He grabbed his hat, throwing it to the ground beneath him and running a hand through his brown hair. Jackson turned sharply to the others, his eyes filled with anguish and vengeance, "But those men--They got on the train lookin' for the same thing WE were lookin' for," He stuck a finger in his chest, "We all knew our lives were on the line."

The bandit threw his hands up in exasperation, looking to the rest of the men as sweat beaded from his brow, "We were just too good. We got cocky," He sucked his teeth, "Tch, Them Indians ain't as stupid as they look."

Jackson shrugged dismissively, almost immediately brushing away the thoughts of his fellow bandits, "But listen here, that company is givin' us ten thousand dollars for this job," He walked forward, slamming his hands on the table, looking into the eyes of all of his fellows, "And I ain't giving that up for a couple of scalpers with an attitude."

Another man from the center of the table cleared his throat, his hat still covered his head as he stuck his hands in the pockets of his dirtied trousers, "So what do you suggest we do?" His voice was filled with uncertainty, confidence dwindled by the loss of people he considered to be his friends.

Jackson scoffed, standing upright and staring right at the man with a fire in his hazel irises, "Oh well that's simple," He stepped away from them, pacing around the room slowly, "If them Indians wanna ambush us...We ambush them!"

Jackson put two fingers in his mouth, a shrill whistle coming from his lips that caused his bandits to cringe in discomfort. It wasn't very long before the pitter patter of tiny feet was heard against the floor. A little dark skinned boy, likely no more than ten years old, ran up to the malevolent bandit and arced his head up, staring up to meet his gaze, "Y...Yes, mistah?"

The bandit bent down a bit, ruffling the boy's jet black hair, "You wanna go see your parents, boy?" The bandits all looked at him, bewildered. His voice was condescending and filled with venom, but the boy didn't process his tone of voice.

His eyes brightened as he shifted back and forth in excitement, "Yes, sir, I-I do sir!" he replied in clearly broken English, nodding feverishly.

Jackson's lips curled into a crooked smile, and he turned the boy around, "Go on, now. We'll see what we can do."

As the child scampered off, the bandit leader turned and pointed to the man in the far corner, who's mouth was hanging open, "You. Go grab one of them horses and start tellin' them American prospectors to spread the word that we're willin' to give away one of the Indian children if the tribe comes to us. Eventually, they'll hear about it and come to us."

It slowly dawned on the rest of the men what his plan of action was, and the other man nodded, taking his foot from the table and standing upright, walking out the door. They could hear the whinny of a horse in the background. Jackson turned to the others, the crooked smile remaining on his face, "Word shouldn't spread too much for at least a day or so. 'Til then, we make preparations."

****

The wind was strong in the hot and dry afternoon day. Dirt kicked up against the bandits, covering their faces instinctively to avoid being blinded. Five of them stood next to each other, making a straight line across the small road as they stood in the center of the abandoned boom town. The leader shifted back and forth uneasily, gritting his teeth as his hands covered the revolvers that were in his holster. The other bandits seemed distressed as well, waiting for the natives to trot down the road.

Small hands gripped the hip of Jackson, the child's expression contorted into a concerned frown--He had become afraid that the bandit was lying to him again, "Is--Is my daddy comin', mistah?"

The bandit sighed, turning to him, "Yes, yes," He said, prying the child off of him like a sticker, "Go on now, stay behind me."

Looking back to the road, he saw a group of figures through the veil of dust, all moving slowly toward the bandits. As they grew closer, he could see the groups' brown, leathery skin and the frowns on their features. He did a quick head count, and noticed that there were fifteen of them--Three less than he had counted during his retreat from the riverbed.

The group eventually ceased movement, leaving a good distance between themselves and the bandits. In the center stood the tribal leader; He stood much taller than the others, his eyes retaining a vicious fire. Jackson raised an eyebrow, placing his hands in his pockets, "I was under the impression all of your kin would come meet us," He called.

A knowing smile crossed the leader's face, "We aren't stupid. There's a few of us back at the riverbed," his English was surprisingly clear, "Just in case them prospectors decide to take the riverbed while we're sittin' here."

Jackson scoffed, looking to the ground and shaking his head, "You really think I'm gonna trust--"

"We came here for the deal, mister," The Indian said plainly.

"Heh, straight to the point I see," The bandit turned to the brown skinned child who had been peeking from the side of one of the others, "Come here, boy."

The child rushed over to the bandit as fast as his little feet could take him. He ushered the boy into the open, where he locked eyes with the tribe leader. A wide grin crossed his face as his eyes brightened, "Papa!" He squealed, clenching his fists in delight. Without hesitation, the boy crossed the gap between the bandits and his father.

"Makawee!" The tribe leader replied, opening his arms and wrapping them around his child as they held a long embrace. A lone tear rolled down the man's face--A tear of pure joy. The stress and uncertainty, for one moment, dissolved and was replaced by a pure ball of bliss in the native's heart.

Then, he opened his eyes, locking eyes with the five bandits that stood before him. He cleared his throat, standing upright and trying his best to ignore his tear filled eyes and the child holding onto his leg, "What is it you want in return?" There was a suspicious undertone to his voice.

"Simple," Jackson replied, "Just leave. Go back east, go up north, just--Anywhere away from here. That's the easiest way for my boys and I to get paid...No more blood shed."

The man's eyes clouded as he began to think of the possibilities. He looked down to his bright eyed son who clung to his leg so very tightly. He looked over his shoulder to the rest of the men in his tribe, some of them looking for their own children. With a sigh, he turned back to the bandits, "No."

The bandit raised an eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

"Some of the Jackals still have our children," He held the boy tight in his hands, "We can't just leave them."

Jackson turned around, putting both hands on his hips and clicking his tongue, "I was afraid you was gonna say that."

Keen in the fashion of the quick draw, Jackson turned on his heels again, both revolvers in his hands. He pulled the trigger on the leader before the other natives could even react, and as gunfire echoed across the ghost town, a bloody hole made its mark on the Indian's forehead. He crumpled to the ground with a thud, his son standing there bewildered, droplets of crimson on his raggedy shirt, "P...Papa?"

He fell to his knees, sobbing loudly and shaking his father, hoping for him to
Hewitt

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Dec 3, 2015 10:47 PM #1420610
Quote from RichardLongflop
Mine might be bad because it's hard to see the screen with my head so far up my own arse.


Your snarky british wit doesn't work if it becomes self-deprecating
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Dec 3, 2015 11:30 PM #1420621
Quote from Hewitt
Your snarky british wit doesn't work if it becomes self-deprecating


American humor is laughing at the silly bugger being stupid.

British humour is BEING the silly bugger being stupid.
devi

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Dec 3, 2015 11:43 PM #1420622
I'll be completely honest, I lost control of this story.

Dangerous Jobs (Click to Show)
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Dec 4, 2015 1:28 AM #1420645
Quote from RichardLongflop
British humour is BEING the silly bugger being stupid.


I understand. But if you're work is intentionally stupid then the point of the joke is lost. British humor is all about how the loser is pit against an absurd situation and how his simple observations make the audience relate to that guy as a person. Forcing the tragedy on yourself and being aware that you're doing it is like the American version of explaining a joke.

Of course, you're more brit than I so you're free to disagree.
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Dec 4, 2015 12:10 PM #1420726
Nah, you're right.
Devour
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Dec 4, 2015 11:36 PM #1420833
So today's the last day before the deadline hits us. How are you all doing, friends?
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Dec 4, 2015 11:37 PM #1420834
Doubleposting because story.

Edit: This WAS a doublepost until Devour ninja's me. Cheers, you're a real bae <3

Spoiler (Click to Show)
craft carrier as it sailed through the ocean, giving him a full view of the world around him. Some people commented on this, saying “you’re gonna fall off and kill yourself”, that it was “dangerous”, and that they would “report him to the captain.” To this, Peterson often replied “fuck off”, “fuck off” and “fuck right off.”

He observed the surroundings. The ship only had a few fighter jets on it, the most important thing on deck being a big submarine held aloft by two sturdy cranes. The sea around the ship was calm and flat, the only disturbance being the gentle waves skimming the sides of the ship as it sailed onwards, creating a soft white noise. The only thing bluer than the ocean around was the sky above it, a few clouds hazily spread here and there. The horizon was as flat as a very flat thing, and it relaxed Peterson knowing that there was nothing to interfere with the mission.

The mission was simple, but silly. If you asked around various drinking establishments, you’d sometimes hear of a rumour of some legendary weapon lost to the sea decades ago. Nobody actually knew what it was, so nobody gave it much thought, until some intel came up a few weeks ago that confirmed its existence.

The Sgt. spat the smouldering cigarette butt into the calmness of the ocean, stood up and gave a contented stretch. He closed his eyes and soaked in the atmosphere. The gentle rise and fall of the ship, the pleasant hiss of the water, the increasing tone in the distance, the birds twee- hold on one goddamn moment.

His eyes snapped open to witness a dot in the distance. It was tiny, barely visible, but it was benign.

“The Russians,” he spat, and made quick for the control tower.

By the time he burst through the control room’s door, everyone had already picked up on the object.

Peterson started, “Do you know what it is?” He paced about hurriedly, glancing at screens and trying to get a better window view.

The place was all command consoles and screens being attended to by a plethora of people, the Captain himself standing still amongst the commotion, eyes dead set on the sea.

“No,” replied one of the men, “We don’t know if it’s Russian yet.”

Another one pitched in, “Reading say that it’s… unusually small, but incredibly fast!”

Another, “Is it experimental tech? Small but fast? Is it a weapon?”

“It’s headed right for us!”

“Fuck!”

“Shit!” “Bollocks!” “Arse!”

“Did I mention fuck?”

“You did.”

“Oh. Uh. Then…”

“Cock?”

“Oh. Cock!” along with other expletives.

The only calm one on deck was the Captain, a hardened face adorned with age, scars and an eyepatch. The man had seen the horrors of the sea and then spat in its face. Before shooting that face repeatedly. With automatic cannons. What I’m trying to say is, he’s a hard bastard.

“Captain,” Peterson stressed, “We gotta do something.”

The captain’s chapped lips opened, speaking in a voice so gravelly that you could drive trucks over it, “Our ship is strong, Sergeant. Let them come.”

The men on deck fell silent, the only noise being the blips of radars and the ever-increasing “aaaaaa” in the distance.

One man had taken out a telescope for visual confirmation, and broke the silence with “Uh. Guys. It’s a big guy on a wooden raft… blonde hair, wearing a kilt. Got something on his back.”

“Wait, give that here” said the guy next to him. He took a look, gently shat himself, and said “It’s Ragnor.”

The captain, expression as solid as a mountain, opened his wise lips once more and let out an oddly feminine yell. He collapsed to the floor like a strip of raw bacon that had accidentally been dropped on the dirty, hairy floor. You’d probably just rinse it under the tap and cook it, though. Dirty bastard, you.

The crew erupted into horror and yells, terrified of what was to come. Peterson stumbled to the window to get a good view on the ever-closing beast, and saw it. A tiny wooden raft with a viking-like man on it, emitting a constant war cry without any need to breathe in, being followed closely by a colossal wave. Whatever this Ragnor was, he was so powerful that the ocean itself followed him like an army.

Peterson muttered his prayers and braced.

What came first of the impact was a deafening boom as the ship’s hull was penetrated effortlessly, and what came next was the wave smashing into the side of the ship. The whole vessel lurched violently to one side, half of the on-deck planes being thrown off and swallowed by the sea. The submarine swung violently but remained attached, and the Sergeant thanked his lucky stars for that.

Until Ragnor seemed to fly up through the deck and toward the tower’s windows.

“Fuck.”

And then Ragnor gracefully blasted through the windows, followed by a perfect landing. Along with someone exploding. Because they got in the way. Of his style.]/i]

The sheer presence of
Ragnor boosted all the men’s testosterone production levels by 200%, and suddenly everyone had stubble. Even the women. Especially the women.

This being was a man, though it could be argued otherwise. A giant of a guy, Ragnor’s body was so powerful that each pair of abs could be mistaken for regular human pecs. His head was covered with glorious golden hair, his long beard braided down to his belly button, the hair atop his scalp flowing and golden, wafting ceaselessly in a gentle breeze, even though there wasn’t one. His mouth was in a constant scowl, and his eyes could melt holes through steel. And then maybe make that steel explode.

Attached to his back was a large rusted beast of a blade, a great-chainsword. His lower body was covered with a chainmail kilt plated with rusted sheets of metal, and he wore some damn awesome leather boots.


The viking-like intruder shot his attention toward the collapsed Captain, then to the Sgt. “RRRGH?” he asked.

“The Captain’s passed out, he’ll be alright,” replied Peterson. After a brief moment he realised that he actually understood what Ragnor meant with his primal grunt. This surprised him.

“RRRGH. RRHGHRGH?”

“Navy, sir.” Sir? Why’d he call him sir? This also surprised him. “After a legendary weapon.”

“RRRRGH RRGH!” Ragnor spun around, grunted wildly at all the manly men and manly women, and they all got to work. Ragnor may be a man of no words, but he’s certainly leader material. The Sgt’s surprise was wearing off.

“Sir!” yelled one of the men. The Sgt thought this one was wimpy, but in Ragnor’s presence, it seemed like he gained confidence. Also a beard. And 30lbs of muscle. And possibly two women. “Blip on the radar! I think it’s a russian submarine.”

“RRRGH?” Ragnor had to see it with his own eyes. He paced powerfully towards the radar, punched it apart because he doesn’t need no bitch screen telling him whatever the fuck his eyes can, and then used said eyes to spy out the last remaining window for the submarine.

His powerful gaze scanned the calm waters and saw a deep blue shadow off in the distance. He focused his view more, being able to pierce the murky depths to see the lettering on the side. This had the side effect of slightly melting the window through the sheer pressure of his vision. And then it slightly caught fire, followed by it slightly exploding.

“RRHG, RHGHRHG.” The viking-like giant stated, before grabbing a fistful of Peterson’s chest and jumping out of the window. Peterson started being surprised again.

By the time Ragnor’s feet had hit the deck, his testosterone had reached every part of the ship. All the men in the control tower were now speaking in grunts and yells rather than words. The fuel in the engines turned into 65% proof whiskey. All the crew of the ship turned swole, men and women alike. All this caused the ship to grow 200% more effective, and the calm water around it trembled and tore in its wake.

Before the Sgt. knew it, he and Ragnor were inside of the ship’s submarine. pushing buttons and grunting through radios. Even the Sgt. was grunting now.

“Rrghh?” Peterson asked, wondering what the plan was.

“RRRHGH,” replied Ragnor concisely.

The viking stomped the floor with a mighty boot and the submarine tore off its hooks. Then he punched the ceiling, and it hopped effortlessly into the water.

Then the viking turned to look Peterson straight in his eyes, slammed a pedal into the floor and uttered a one-liner that the Sgt. would remember to his grave:

”GRAAGH.”

Immense G forces thrust Peterson back as the submarine shot down into the water. He kept his eyes trained on all the terminals around him, some with engine statistics, some with speed measurements, and one with a spinning line outlining a dot just to the right of the middle.

“Rrrrgh!” Peterson warned, pointing to his right.

“Rrgh?” Ragnor cast his eyes to the radar, and responded with a slightly irritated ”AAAAAAAA”, before steering a hard right.

The radar showed the blip getting closer, but that was just Ragnor deciding to voice his disagreement in person.

The blip hit the center, and a massive crash slammed into the side of the sub. When he was sure that both submarines were flush with each other, he shot a clean punch through the walls and hooked both of them together. It was at this point that the Sgt. noticed that his viking comrade hadn’t actually stopped screaming. It’s as if air constantly streamed into his nose and out of his mouth.
With both ships hooked together, Ragnor used both of his mighty arms to tear a hole between ships, combined with his powerful gaze to weld the edges together. As the hole grew increasingly larger, more and more terrified faces could be seen.

As soon as the hole was large enough for Ragnor to fit his colossal torso through- which is, safe to say, big enough for two average men to somersault through- he flung himself into the other submarine and started asking questions.

“RRRHG?”

People replied, but in russian. Ragnor did not understand this and so sought to have these men respond in a language he could understand.

The viking unslung the mighty metal log from his back, a beast of a chainsword that bore so many teeth that it would make sharks feel pitiful and have them go to their local car dealer to buy Hummers.

He revved up the blade to a scream, and everyone was like “AAA”, “AUGAHG” and “DEEARGH”, words that Ragnor could understand.

After a few minutes of constant screaming (and a few pansy fainters) Ragnor understood all he needed to. The russians had also learned of the intel and followed the navy vessel, trying to piggyback the prize.

Knowing this, Ragnor decided to take both sides there. He positioned himself in the breech between hulls, one hand per sub controls, and started to drive the combined vessels down to the treasure. All Peterson and the russians could do was be thrown to the back of the submarines as Ragnor achieved faster and faster speeds.

This reckless power made the submarine walls creak and wail and scream, but they never tore or gave out. Perhaps this was because of excellent engineering. Or the fact that Ragnor’s hands weren’t really doing anything, he was just intimidating the fuck out of the submarines. The submarines weren’t breaking, they were screaming from fear.

Eventually they reached their destination. To be more precise, Ragnor drove the submarines through 20 feet of solid rock until he crashed into a tunnel system. There was probably an actual entrance to it somewhere, but who’s got time for that shit, there’s treasure to find.

Ragnor followed the tunnels downward, weaving in and out of cave sections and through gaps with effortless grace, until he surfaced up in a subterranean cavern.

As he booted the hatch off his submarine, stale air blasted into the submarine as the pressure got right. Eardrums popped and stomachs were turned, but all could cope.The viking beckoned the Sgt out, who complied, but when the russians tried to scramble for an exit Ragnor gave them the ‘stay’ hand signal, as if they were dogs. And like dogs, they sat down and looked a little nervous before shitting all over my fucking carpet, I took you goddamn dogs out for a walk ten minutes ago, fuck.

The Sgt. looked around the cavern. It was massive, big enough to fit in a whole ship. And, funnily enough, there was one. In one of the cavern walls, grown over with rock and moss, was a giant wooden ship. It was full of holes, cannons hung limply out.

“Rrrgh?” asked Peterson, which roughly translated to ‘Holy fucking shit there’s a ship down here.”

“RRHGHRhGH” replied Ragnor, which roughly translated to a friendly ’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’, which itself roughly translated to ‘That used to be my ship. It took armies to pull it down, but I wouldn’t let them have it so I sunk it down to the bottom of the ocean myself, and buried it a grave worthy of its splendor.’ Or he could have just been grunting. Who fucking knows, right?

There was a massive hole in the side of the ship which the two entered in. Treasure gleamed everywhere, shining colours of gold and silver. Though they were all beer steins, perched atop dozens of massive wooden kegs. Could this be the treasure?

But there was more. Perched on a wall across the kegs was a gargantuan hammer. It would take four normal men to lift it, though now it’d take many more to bring it to its previous glory. The iron was worn, the leather had decayed, it was-

“RRHGHR” called out the viking, and Peterson’s attention snapped to it.

Ragnor approached Peterson with a small leather-bound book in hand. It appeared to be a notebook. He handed it to the stammering Sgt.

Peterson opened the book up carefully and glanced over its innards. He flicked a few pages, and it all clicked together in his head.

This was a blueprint. A recipe. It was instructions on how to create the perfect ale. It was beautifully crafted and detailed with amazing penmanship and care (though everything was in capital letters.) The front page simply said “RAGNOR’S BEER,” and apparently it could even get the viking himself blackout drunk, and could induce hangovers that could drive any weak man to death.

“RRrhg,” noted Ragnor as he carefully took the book out of the Sgt’s hands and placed it into a kilt pocket. “Rrgh” affirmed Peterson, and they both made way outside. Curiously, the sounds of russian screaming could be heard more and more as they got closer. Then there was a boom. This would make Peterson worry, if it weren’t for the hulking bulking muscleman beside him.

When they reached to cave, they saw another submarine had burst from the tunnel depths and landed, its sole inhabitant already outside.

It was a man. Well, half man. Clearly russian. Stubble, ushanka, heavy coat, the works. Obviously carrying at least 300lbs of muscle, as well as an extra 300lbs in mechanical augmentations. The guy was implanted into some kind of mech.

“AGH, RAGNOR,” yelled the russian cyborg, “YOU HAVING THE WEAPON? GIVE.”

Wait what? Somebody saw this musclebound great-chainsword wielding fucker and thought ‘ooh, I know what I’ll do, I’ll oppress him.’ Well, this russian bastard must have balls heavy enough to create gravity shifts on the goddamn moon, but he ought to