GOOD! NOW THEN, CnC! And Raf...Your monster description had more points than me...MUST READ TO FIND OUT WHY!

Chamel, I could judge if you'd want to join this time. I've got a lot of free time on my hands by the time the second boss fight might end.

Quote from GamerXD8

GOOD! NOW THEN, CnC! And Raf...Your monster description had more points than me...MUST READ TO FIND OUT WHY!

lol he's Lethal XD also congrats Gamer :D

Oooops. My bad.

Haha, congrats Gamer on the win! Anyways, I'm still working on both J.Christian's and Gamer's CnC so expect this to be edited or me to post them here~
I've been feeling critical lately so they'll be straight forward~
o w o

Straightforward? Even better! And...Mind telling me your Skype acc? So I can add you.

J.Christian's Story


Setting: 3
Not very detailed and descriptive as I would've liked to have read but it did create a rough image in my head and I can visualise the scene so that counts as something~!




Plot: 4
The whole flow and plot of the whole story was confusing. Especially the very first paragraph; you started out with a dream and then a sudden transition to the next sentence which was the main thing. However the action and plan was pretty good, I will admit it.




Characters: 4
To be honest I'm not sure about the characters. You did do a pretty nice job on their powers ad stuff, but for their personalities and everything else they were a little out of character. But that's what I think.




Grammar: 2
Ah, too much grammar errors deary. Misused words and commas, alternating tenses are just a few of the lots of errors in your piece. I have no idea what to suggest to you to improve it, besides reading over it and read more books. Reading is always the best help to aid any writer trying to improve. Read more and observe other styles. See what they do that you lack in your stories and improve on it little by little. That's all I can say.




The Boss Monster: 5
Not too bad, you did pretty well in this section. Though think everyone did pretty alright with this section anyway. Good job buddy~!


Tips:
-Something that really bothers me is that the different parts of the story are divided into huge paragraphs. Just the size of these paragraphs are pretty big and honestly they will intimidate some of the readers to continue reading your story. It is also hard to read everything all so close together and it just hurts my eyes. Don't be afraid to space them out and put them into smaller paragraphs. It'll make many reader's lives a little easier and much more pleasing to the eye.




-A big problem about your story you is that you seem to be not showing and only telling what is happening in the story. It's not really interesting to read and honestly it gets really repetitive. Try to describe in more detail.


For example: "Draknar jumped and started to attack, Mile quickly ran as fast as he could, while Karugame used some of his range ice skills. Then Raf ran too."


You could show what's happening instead of just telling us like so:


"Making the first move, the Draknar leapt into the air, fists curled and ready to maul the three warriors. With determined expression on their faces, Mile and Raf bolted into a sprint, both keeping in time with each stride. Standing his ground, Kuragame gathered what little water he could from the desert and formed three frozen spears above his head, his eyes staring at vulnerable places he could launch his ice spears to impale the beast."


Sorry, if it sounds a little advanced, but you can see how that looks a tad more interesting and more action packed to read? Good, just next time try to elaborate on what they do, describe what they do in detail and try not to just tell us.




-Another problem is that, oh gosh, you overuse the commas. That really isn't an ideal style and one that I suggest you try to change. You should try to use a mix of commas and periods, besides they are used for different things. Commas are used for pauses in long sentences and to connect two different sentences that fits well in a single one, while a period is the end of the sentence and you go to a new one, which is why your first word in the next sentence will start in a capital.


For example: "After running for God knows how long, Tim skidded to a halt next to a tree, placing his hand against its thick trunk as he caught his breath."


In the first paragraph, the last lines was just too long.


For example: "While the trio was walking,they heard and felt a giant voice and a earthquake,Mile quickly look at his back while Raf and Karugame look at they side,they didn't saw anything they just only saw a whirlwind and some cactus,They wonder and just never mind it then continue walking,They continue walking and walk until they see a city."


What's probably best to do is to reword it and separate them into different sentences (I also corrected some errors like wrong tenses and reworded some of the sentences).


Like so: "While the trio were walking, they heard and felt a giant voice and an earthquake. Mile quickly looked at his back while Raf and Karugame looked at their side. They didn't see anything; just only a whirlwind and some cacti. They wondered and just never minded it before they continued walking until they reached the city."


I'll get to yours Gamer; don't fret :3

@Latios
Oh my thanks alot,yep grammar is too hard for me lol.
Also at the first paragraph about the dream i just added it i have no idea what to add XD.

Quote from ErrorBlender

Chamel, I could judge if you'd want to join this time. I've got a lot of free time on my hands by the time the second boss fight might end.

That's nice of you error! But I'd rather like to see you enter next time. If I still feel strongly about writing and you don't really want to, than that would be awesome. But no one has seen you write (other than your demo) and something tells me you might be the dark horse of wRHG. So I guess we'll just see when it comes along. I really appreciate the offer though bro

I don't know, the next one looks a bit overpowered but then again they are called boss's for a reason.

Dark horse of the wRHG? :D. The battle between me and acutelatios is almost done so, if you want to see me write, then there it is.

Bl.An.C vs. Rhami and Astor?

That will certainly be an interesting fight!! Good luck bro! It won't be easy though

And King, are you giving a specific monster or do the competitors get to make one up?

Yeah, the prologue of the battle I posted was in the Original Lit section.

I know acutelatios will be a tough one to beat.

I come up with the monster, but if people have an idea then I'm all ears. (except for the 2nd boss fight, that one is for king only)