In our last episode. Stuff happened.
Now, April Fools!
I want the power to leave everyone to rot and come back once everybody is dead.
The soil beneath Ipman's feet cracked as multiple rotting hands rose from beneath and groaned.
"IIIIIPMAAAAAN"
Ipman was pleased.
"WHYY THE FUUUCK DID YOU WAAAAKE US UUUUUUP?!"
Ipman's face crumpled into terror.
Every dead member on SP, past and present dragged Ipman down to the depths of hell, never to be seen again.
I just want to get lucky.
MrSkully was walking down Millionaire's Row when he spotted a shiny coin on the sidewalk. Picking it up, a lottery ticket blew in his way. Just then, the televisions in the street corner shop a few feet away from him came alive with the winning powerball numbers. He had won. Skelly rushed down to the ol' convinience store, thinking to himself how lucky he must be. How lucky it is to be 1 in a million.
But as he turned the corner, an unseen banana peel lay in his wake. He slipped of course and the sordid fruit dragged him straight into a bed of nails. The chances of that happening on Don't Throw Nails On the Curb Day were astronomical. You can say 1 in a billion. How lucky indeed.
So there he lay all contorted, contricted, and concerned. His broken bones and flesh rended to extreme disability, as his fingers opened up and let the lottery ticket fly into the now forming windstorm. And as he looked up to the darkening sky, he pondered on the 1 in a trillion chance a man on a bed of nails that could be struck by lightning. Ten times.
Well guess what, that didn't happen at all. He was struck fifty times.
I want the power of minecraft creative mode (which means I can spawn monsters, type commands and place as many blocks I want (like TNT) and also not die).
theTDguy admired his new love pad, fraught with dirt blocks and glass cubes he had scrounged up from century's past. he turned a corner into the nursery where several baby Creepers slept soundly. He sighed, knowing his work will never be done. As if on cue, long green tendrils surrounded him as he was pulled into the main chamber. There, laying in waiting, were his harem of Creepers. He had created them to amass an army but when they found out he was invincible to their suicide love-spolsions, they began getting intimate.
theTDguy dropped his pants and assumed the position. It was gonna be a logn night.
Alphaeus enters the room with a computer mouse and keyboard that allow him to manipulate the world around him (including people) just as easily as a program.
If in doubt, the mouse can serve like a flail and the keyboard like a cricket bat.
If that fails, they may be summarily thrown vehemently at the opponent, at which point Alphaeus' will proceed to execute the classical cartoon run, which goes as follows: levitate, begin spinning legs at something near the speed of sound, slowly overcome inertia and then accelerate to several hundred miles per hour in whatever direction happens to be most fitting, charging straight through whatever is in his way.
If THAT fails...he will pull out a cigarette and a blindfold from thin air, light the cigarette, tie the blindfold around his face, and calmly await whatever may come.
Alphaeus enters the room spinning a computer mouse by the wire like a retard. As expected from anything bought at Goodwill, the wire slacks, causing the mouse to slam into Alphaeus' face and break his teeth. He stumbles backwards, legs spinning like sonic the hedgehog, as his body turns into a righteous 90 degree angle, before landing flat on his back. The rest of his still hanging teeth drop down his esophagus, choking him to death.
Oh, then a blindfold and cigarette appear out of nowhere. But fall down since no one is there to receive them.
i return in lich form!
Scarecrow grumbles and waves his arms around, knocking over tombstones and whatnot. One of the oncoming debris crushes his phylactery, which he had haphazardly left out in the open as he mistook it for a flask of booze.
"CURSSEEEEES!" he screamed before a vortex of malevolence dragged him back from whence he came.
I grab another piece of paper and decide to try using a sharpened pencil this time.
After spending ten years getting the Scarecrow gag down pat, Draou joined his fellow screenwriters and hanged himself for having an unsatisfying job at the age of 30. OH and Veir also gouges his Draou's eyes out with those sharp pencils. Because he's just there.
Come back with a bigger boomstick and a chainsaw for a hand.
But the joke's on him, Draou managed to write that Veir had in fact a chainsaw for a hand...but the other way around. As soon as Draou's body goes limp, Veir inherits the powers of imagination and the reverse-chainsaw hand guts his arm and chest all the way from the inside out. Because that's how writer magic works.
THE ALMIGHTY POWER OF +1 to everything! (even +1 mushroom powerup)
Xate adds 1 to his own stupidity, which in turn adds 1 to one of his gas pedals as the car he is on speeds faster (he said he wanted to go fast). He crashes into multiple fruit stalls and ran over at least two people having a converstaion before finding rest at a very comfortable brick wall. Then the car explodes.
I stop by for a friendly conversation.
"Hey, neighbor! Did you see that? Some madman just tried ramming all those fruit stalls with his car. It was---"
The power of lawyering.
"And so, your Honor. My client Xate couldn't possibly be at fault. His own stupidity granted him a swift death and, as you may well know from my 20-minute offscreen rant, the car had faulty brakes."
The judge looked carefully at jirocho before deciding that the case was completely legit. He banged his gavel and decided in the late Xate's favor. jirocho victoriously jogged down justice's steps with a bright smile on his face. Justice always wins.
And then he turned a dark alley and found two to three men wielding metal pipes and a pistol. They were from the car company that is now ruined thanks to him. jirocho tried to lawyer his way out of this jam but the first whack was enough to silence him. The next time he woke up, his cement shoes hit the sea floor and eternal blue drowned his lungs from the inside out.
