Yep, Hewwie is just getting my stories and smashing them apart and then picking up pieces.
It hurts, but I guess it will help. Ill post something soon.
Btw, Zero, whats with the Quotation marks for Haru?

Quote from Chamel

A) You are being a bit of a dick.

B) Yes a suspension is necessary, for me anyways. Final exams and grades aren't exactly something I have room to fuck with at the moment. Every minute is precious study time (except for those few minutes every now and then when I decide to take a short break [like now]). And I'd also like to point out that I am, in fact, "disciplining myself" by prioritizing my school work over writing, which I remind you is more of past time rather than a necessity.

C) Besides, it isn't like I'm flat out quitting; it's only for a few days until I get through these exams.

When you're in the Real World, there won't BE any breaks.

You'll be swamped by work, the bills, distractions, more studying, and other life stuff. If you can't manage 30 minutes of your life for an exam day then how will you manage 30 minutes of your life for anything else. Prioritization is a good skill to have, but that is not the point of this thread. The ability to "quit and join anytime" is just for if you're really in the shitter such as if you're grades are actually mediocre and you need that extra umph to concentrate or if you're going to be out of town and won't be able to come here (with which you should still be able to deliver).

The ability to maintain a habit and know when to start and stop---such as if you're writing hard on a piece and it's been 30 minutes you HAVE to stop---is called "Discipline". Being able to push away the things you need to do over the things you promised to do is NOT discipline.

Frankly though, the fact that you're here right now with time to even post on the Debate thread says something about your impending exam. Is the exam not here yet? Why are you dawdling? Planning ahead? Why not include writing for this thread into your plans.

Quote from Chamel

It was more or less this single sentence that set me off. It felt like a person attack on my ability as a writer. I do apologize however.

In no way was Zero insulting anyone on any personal level. If you felt insulted to the point that he is calling you out on your ability to write, then maybe you shouldn't ever write again because guess what, in the Real World, nobody will give a shit about your 'hobby' except you and the time you put into it. And your would-be critics will tell you FAR worse things. These are people who think and know that you will never make it in life as a writer even as a hobbyist writer. These are editors who will not even look at your first page and outright reject your draft on the first line or paragraph. These are critics who will happily destroy your work in even more brutal ways than I am doing.

So if anyone thinks I'm being harsh, you haven't seen anything yet. I'm preparing your callousness for the worst---which will incidentally be the best part of your process as you will learn the hard way how to write well.

Digressing, Zero is not attacking your ego or your habits. He says he's being a dick but really, it's reality coming through his lips. Either you learn to make time or you literally will have NO time when you graduate.


Also, here:

*I will not point out basic grammatical mistakes unless it's serious and changes the meaning of things. All these pieces are written quickly so I expect you might've either edited just once or not at all.
**Also, pls do not answer my questions unless you are disagreeing with my CNC. I mean, don't answer them directly. I am asking them because I want you as a writer to realize that your own info is missing or lacking or wrong and by internally answering my questions, you can improve your piece further and explain things better. So don't answer me. Answer to yourself.
***Nobody tell me its a first draft that's why it sucks. It's a first draft, everybody knows that. I'm already helping you flesh it out.

Zero2
***Btw I don't care that you're writing the events out of order. I will cnc them as they were originally posted.
- Okay I think we need to talk about the difference between an Abandoned Building and a Deserted Building because you seem to be misplacing the two. Abandoned means that everything in the place is gone and whatever remains has either rotted away or is rendered useless. Your character has only spent a day when the people disappeared so this isn't like a post-apoc setting where everything has gone to shit. You're just alone. Hence, the place is just deserted, not abandoned. So stop using "Abandoned Building" as a location.
- Actually you should stop spamming the phrase altogether as it has lost its meaning. You've already established that the people are gone and the no-people-world is your setting by default so by default, a building will always be empty at this point. Why do you have to keep mentioning it? You think the readers will say "Whoa wait, this one has people in it." just because you decided to call something a Building again? No, of course not. So stop it with the prefix.
- I'm surprised he isn't concerned with the fact that a rush hour of vehicles might impede his progress.
- Your character is a pussy. We get no explanation as to why he likes being alone and here he is suddenly having a change of heart. There isn't even a doubt like it's black and white: he's alone or he isn't. Is it possible that this is just longing and not desire?
- You're writing a diary so we expect thoughts. Don't just write what you are doing and did on that day. Write what is going through your mind. And surely the forced premise of loneliness isn't the only thing you like to talk about you emo twat. Make references to your favorite show, books, movies, all in line with the situation at hand. Make quips, sarcastic remarks at your observations in your surroundings or theories as to how certain objects ended up like they are for if a person disappeared. I was much more concerned with what comic exactly gave you tips than the fact that a fucking comic gave you tips.
- There has never been any evidence of your character desiring human contact and now he immediately wants to bone a chick or be with one. If you were living a life like that even before the disapperances you'd have ways such as porn and magazines. You wouldn't immediately desire a chick to be with. There are social boundaries that disjoint this guy with reality and he is bouncing back way too easily. He even finds porn later and his reaction is that of an ordinary teenager, when you've previously established that he's living an isolated life. I'm pretty sure you're going to explain to me how isolated he really is to which I counter with WHY IS THAT BACKSTORY NOT IN THIS DIARY.
- once again, ellipses in a diary. retarded. You ever tried pausing while writing a memoir? You don't put three dots to signify you're in deep thought. Comics and video games have rotted your perception on this medium.
- You know, instead of mentioning what is making you pussy out on a certain smell, how bout tell us what the smell really smells like. So we can gauge if you are being a pussy or not.
- See, in reference to the above. I'm pretty sure you've smelt rotting food before. We all have. But for him to say that something smells bad only to find that its rotting food is stupid. He KNEW it when he smelled it, it just wasn't described.
- Wow, I'm so interested in this fetish with rotting food. Too bad nothing about it is ever mentioned again. Like why even bring it up?
- I get what you're trying to do with "Silence getting louder" being a hyperbole, but that only works if you've spent a significant amount of time in the place. And from your brief blurbs it looks like you're only trying to get the word quota in because you've barely described a thing that feels like alot of time has passed.

Haru4
- If you thought you could get away with this exercise and CNC by writing a shitty poem you thought wrong. Stop trying to cheat the system, sit down, and think.
- Your poem has NO rhythm. It uses lots of similar words that do not bring emphasis on repetition. And the content is shit. Even Dr. Seuss is crying right now.
- The rhymes make no sense half the time, to the point that they feel forced. You had nothing for normal so you just wrote portal. Which had nothing to do with the theme of the story.
- Your sheep wanted to be accepted, that's why he put on a jetpack and jumped into the portal, right? To save his friends? Then someone who has nothing to do with the situation advised him to be himself? If he had done that, he wouldn't be able to save them. What. How bout this: the sheep's friends are ungrateful dicks and the 3rd sheep should mind his own fucking business. Moral of the Story: You can be whatever you want to be, just not a shitty poet.

Zero3
- It is 2:30 in the afternoon. How could he not see the "mysterious 2-legged figure" in the middle of the highway?
- "Whatever"?! In the exact same sentence that you said you felt threatened and afraid; the first instance we get a peek into your character having Survivor's Guilt, and your immediate response is "WHATEVER"? You're traumatized by the loss of everyone on earth. This does NOT get resolved with typical teenage angst.
- You know we don't even get to know why he's writing. To keep himself sane? For the benefit of someone else? No idea. So when he uses words that address people like "wish me luck" or "rest assured", I'm just throwing up my arms. I think he's writing because he's bored and he needs to fill a certain number of words each day. Reminds me of someone...
- lol. okay. So you still use ellipsis I see. At first I thought "maybe they're paragraph dividers" and then you went and used it in the way it was used...and you still retained the spacing. Dear Lord. What looks better...this? Or. . .this? Why even space them that way? Does your character have a dot phobia?
- If you loathe human contact then how would you know what baby skin feels like
- "The" television? What are you, 50? That can't be cos you say Whatever.
- He picks up a foreign object from out of the city---not even the center of it---and his first reaction is that this could be the cause of everything simply because it looks foreign to him and not because of any further investigation. Shouldn't there be something else that would make him react? There is literally NO connection other than his obsession with TV/Movies and that shouldn't be enough for him to believe in his own fiction.
- There have been no animals ergo that 2-legged thing was NOT an animal. That's STONER logic. It could so be an animal. Heck, it could be an---oh I don't know, how bout a HUMAN. It could be a human. But because of the vague 2:30 in the afternoon description, we barely get anything on it. Your character is rational enough to pick supplies and put down foreign objects but he jumps to conclusions at the slightest "non-animal looking animal"?

I'd actually like to point out that I'm loving Hewitt's CnC, and I appreciate the hell out of it. With just three blurbs pointing out the flaws in my writing, I've learned more and made a bigger jump in improvement than I've made in a very long time. Props to you for writing out multiple gigantic posts for giving real knowledge for people to improve on here :o

Quote from Devour

I'd actually like to point out that I'm loving Hewitt's CnC, and I appreciate the hell out of it. With just three blurbs pointing out the flaws in my writing, I've learned more and made a bigger jump in improvement than I've made in a very long time. Props to you for writing out multiple gigantic posts for giving real knowledge for people to improve on here :o

I agree. I've been trying to improve on the last few others and the recent one where Capt CnCed too.

I appreciate the appreciation. I can only hope the less vocal minority is appreciating it too. They don't have to of course because all this CNC is optional. Alot of people in the WL for some strange reason like it when I CNC. Well here's why I don't:
a) I tend to repeat the same things over and over and you people keep making the same mistakes. I keep saying Show Dont Tell. Same old advice every time.
b) Nobody else CNCs the thread because they all think I'm the best. When I drop comments, they feel the need not to say anything any longer.
c) CNC-ing a ton of long drawn out texts all with the common theme of battling is a very thankless job. They're uninspired, boring, and should be shot dead. 99% of the time.

The reason why I CNC here in reference to the above is because:
a) I'm cnc-ing the short-term problems. It is therefore not the same advice every single time. I only give the big advices if I think it's really common or if I feel that that is the only way to solve the minor problem.
b) Captain Cook and Devour on occasion are the only ones with anything worth a damn to say and even at that they don't cnc everyone. If this thread prolongs itself without CNC, then it's just going to be one big circlejerk with whoever can "stay the longest" and you wouldn't have learned a damn thing but the ability to be consistent.
c) The pieces here are short, NOT about battling or wRHGs, and are easily doable in a single day. Most of them anyway.


Anyways, I just like to make a disclaimer that all I'm really doing is correcting what I can see. I try not to make suggestions for what should be written because that is your domain, unless it would make sense to fix mistakes such as with Devour's blunder for expositing the game for no reason. A real example to this would be Waffles' nametag plot device. I only gave suggestions as to how it should be written but if I were the writer, I wouldn't have any need to introduce a character using the nametag, because as an omniscient POV writer I could just unload on tons of backstory or monologue in John's POV. Introducing the concept of the nametag just to introduce the name of the protagonist is stupid if used in books.

Also, as I mentioned in my existing disclaimer, just because I have alot to say doesn't mean I'm right. I'm helping you flesh it out so help yourself and determine what ought to be. If you think I'm wrong then contest it. But if it is just to answer your own vague elements, don't bother as those are for you to think about.

I'm not a machine that just reads these things, processes them, and feel ambivalent about them. I actually find about 2 users' works to be quite cringeworthy right now and everytime I cnc it it is mostly a chore that I have to read them line per line. A part of me wishes they could fail this challenge so I wouldn't have to see some horrible horrible shit....BUT as long as you think my cnc is warranted WafflesMgee, I shall continue reading them. Haru can uhm, carry on too.

Finally, I'd like to advise everyone to read the CNCs of everyone not just the ones I gave for that particular user. I put the storylinks for a reason; so you can learn from each other and maybe see things that you are able to and not to do. You'd also be able to learn how to CNC so I don't have to fucking do it all the damn time.

Yeah, I C&C animations a lot and I know how much effort it is to backtrack and write everything down. I really appreciate what you're doing with this Hewitt. Kudos to you!

Thanks a lot!

Whenever I read any of Hewitt's comments, I read it in the voice of CinemaSin's narrator. I don't know why.

Here's an unfinished one from yesterday.



Anyways, here's my days work.

Phew, this is tough. I haven't even thought of what to write on next. I'm loving the space noir, but I've realized that I started way too in the middle of the action and I haven't introduced the setting at all. I'll be starting it again, but further back in time and with a slightly different approach.

For now, I'm just gonna write a different idea. I'm taking a shot at an Asimov-esque style here, though I won't be trying to erase my writing's own natural personality in order to sound more like him. Excuse my oddly-fitting joke title.



Some tips of advice for Error:

-There's a lot of stuff that seems there for fluff. Try to avoid putting anything into the story that doesn't have to be there. Here's a quote from Kurt Vonnegut that I like to adhere to:
"Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action."
I don't follow it to the letter, but I try to make every sentence at least add to the enjoyability of the story. Some extra stuff that didn't seem to have a reason for being there wasn't necessarily interesting either.

-Some sentences could be worded less clumsily in your narration to make it flow more smoothly or sound more natural, but it's quite easy to read and the dialogue is charming. My only complaint/suggestion would be to try and make everything worth reading. Another quote that I can't remember the origin for, is to never write what someone would want to skip over. Making every part of a story interesting to read is the easiest way to make a story engaging and hard to put down.

I'll be pulling out from this Devour. Not because I'm busy or anything but because I just don't feel like writing.

It was a fun experience for me as I've never written anything(Dedicated) for a long time so thanks for this. Also, I apologize to Hewitt for giving those great C&C's. I've read everything and I learned a lot of things. Again, thanks!

so you made me tl;dr for nothing ya twat

also good job talking big about discipline prior to quitting

You see. This is why I don't like to CNC often. I know that sounds a bit dickish like I'm gods gift to Critics. But imagine having to deal with battles-nobody-will-ever-read-again and the stark reality that hits you in the face is clear

Quote from Hewitt

so you made me tl;dr for nothing ya twat

also good job talking big about discipline prior to quitting

You see. This is why I don't like to CNC often. I know that sounds a bit dickish like I'm gods gift to Critics. But imagine having to deal with battles-nobody-will-ever-read-again and the stark reality that hits you in the face is clear

Yes, I apologize for wasting your time but you have to know that I didn't leave because I was busy or anything. I left because I felt that writing isn't my thing. As days passed, I found myself forcing to write and not enjoying it at all.

I'm being a hypocrite but I have the right to stop something I found that I have no interest in. I believe it's better that way. Still, it doesn't erase on how much of an idiot I am so, I'm sorry.

Forgive me for presuming its just that the abandonment is so sudden, so erratic, it almost feels like my cnc dislodged you from enjoying yourself

Quote from Hewitt

Forgive me for presuming its just that the abandonment is so sudden, so erratic, it almost feels like my cnc dislodged you from enjoying yourself

No, no, no.

When I said I appreciate your criticisms, I meant it but while I was writing for my 5th day, I found myself bored and not demotivated. If you read my last entry, I did my best to improve by your criticisms that you gave and it did give my character some more "umph"(Based on what my girlfriend said).

So no, I'm not discouraged because you C&C'd but I felt bored and decided that writing isn't for me. I haven't written in a long time and when this thread came, I tried to give it a shot and it was a fresh experience for me but alas, it just isn't for me. So keep doing what you've always been doing. You're doing this place a great favor.

Thanks Hewitt.

While Error's rewrite is better, and he can post it if he wants to; I personally don't like cnc-ing rewrites. I can just give the general approval that it is better and flows well now, but I ultimately want to move on. If I stare at it I'm bound to find other things but I don't really wanna do that. Reasons being:
- Like I said, i dont cnc grammar and spelling. That is for you to learn gradually.
- If we edited and edited we'll get nowhere. Polishing a turd just makes the turd shiny.
- The real progression to growth is just reading like all the time. Pick an author and go crazy, you'll pick up little things from time to time and it'll make sense.
- Prolificness is a process. If you keep writing pieces, your shit will evolve as you become aware of what is necessary and what isn't.

Also, I am skipping Zero's future posts from the point I left because Zero is leaving so what's the point now. This next one is...cringy. I hate RHG stories. I am facepalming everywhere on this not gonna lie, but I want to CNC it. I wanna show people why RHG/wRHG Stories suck balls and cannot survive on battle plots alone. This behemoth cnc is so long, I will actually space it to save everyone's eyes.

Here we go:

Waffles4
- I have alot of things to say here but the MAIN problem is that you are namedropping RHG and expecting everyone to piece it all together. Not everyone knows the inner workings of RHG or cares to. Not everyone is going to be bothered to know about it and think to imagine it as a sustainable universe. So to casually just assume that everyone has does not give you an excuse to be lazy and not explain anything about it.

- Fights? That's it? I question what exactly the City of RHG does for a living. What is its main Export? Because isn't the entire concept of RHGs about fights? So why would it be chaotic if that's exactly what it does? The problem is that you just drop the word and expect everyone to make it up as they go. Chaos implies that Order precedes it, so don't say that a place is chaotic because it has Fights. Show us the repercussions of these Fights. Show us why these fights cause trouble and how.

- How exactly do refined characters keep the chaos down. You're implying that they just don't participate, but that's not helping, that's just ambivalence. What. Do they fight properly with curtsies and bows and pay the tax to the mayor whenever they unlawfully destroy property? What do they do exactly?

- unique and rare mean the same thing. you're being redundant.

- You're telling this out of order. Because you've never mentioned the city has Normals until later, we literally have no basis what differentiates a person who can paint upside down and a person with telekinesis as unique. We aren't even told that the culture is to fight, and only that fighting is a problem

- I question how exactly peace is observed. You have put all these superpowered doofuses in one location and expect NOTHING to happen? It's idiotic. I'm seriously not even trying to think about the implications of an "RHG City". It's economically unsound at least in the way that you're describing everything without care for the little things. Your setting is improbable and lazy.

- If the city is a place where all the superpowered doofuses are suppose to live in harmony and order then why is fighting inherently in their culture and why do Normal civilians exist?

- Why would the government, who's goal is peace and harmony, ever hire the most destructive members of their society as the peacekeepers of their own city.

- Dear lord I am just at the 1st four paragraphs.

- How can cool air rest on his face when he's wearing a balaclava

- The sky only has 1 color.

- Really? Fired a Fireball? Is this redundancy the best you can do?

- Alright alright we get it, he's a fire dude. Constantly reminding us of his fiery features is only telling us that he is not a fire-person but a person who is constantly using fire. Plus, I'm pretty sure you're running out of words and puns using the 'flame' set of words. There is no such thing as an "alight man". Not only does it sound like a circus freak, it doesn't mean what I think you mean. It implies that he has been set on fire instead of being lit up on his own volition. Perhaps you didn't want to use Flaming because that would mean he's gay. You should've described him as he is and not what he is. Show don't Tell. Don't tell us he's a fire-person. Show us the orange to gold radiance surrounding him, how it doesn't burn his clothes. Show us the streaks of radiation that causes disorientation to those closeby. Show us the flames (and this is the only time you should be using the word) that are miraculously surrounding his body that he can launch at will. As soon as you get all these general descriptions down, you can then keep telling us that he's "A Man" and we would already know that he's a fire-metahuman because you already laid it out for us.

- A cafe filled with city citizens...as opposed to what? Rural citizes? Homeless citizens? City tourists? City foreigners? How bout oh I don't know a Cafe full of People!

- You can't throw a gust of wind even if your power is wind manipulation. This isn't fucking Naruto where the rasengan is described as an air ball held together by chakra. This is wind. Floating. Aerating. Wind. You can't throw that shit ever and if you do how much? How strong? And why "Naturally"? Naturally the store owner would throw wind like its his default mechanism? Shouldn't his first concern be all the people and swag in his shop getting burned? No wonder the City is chaotic; its citizens are retards.

- Wait...if the first wind throw did not fan the flames of his own store, why would the second wind throw suddenly cause his demise with an implosion??? Did the city suddenly have an oxygen increase the moment the store owner countered? And even if it did have oxygen, the wind is a force that blows the opposite direction. You must have at lease seen a huge bonfire IRL, right? You know that the flame doesn't just gobble everything it sees when a huge gust comes around, right? Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here defying physics right now.

- Holy shit. All that was just 2 paragraphs. I am getting Vietnam War PTSD flashbacks on crappy wrhg fight scenes. And look we are entering another fight scene after teh dialogue portion. Oh joy.

- no such word as slam-fired. Methinks its cos you didn't want to write "fired fire with fire". Well here's a really easy solution: "Pulling the trigger, he literally fought fire with fire."

- Don't tell us that the shotgun blast "wasnt enough". Show us how your dragon breath reacted with the torrent of flame. Show us how it angled. Did it scare Walker? Did it amuse Trench?

- How. Does 2 flames. Crashing into each other. Create SMOKE.

- You're using Swivelled again, dude. And this time even more awkwardly than before. You swivelled out of the path of flames? So, you turned and it barely missed you? Why not just oh I don't know dodge or evade it. Jump back. Roll. Lunge. Or more realistically, not see it coming and actually take the hit mid-dodge and get burned for it. Anything was better than swivelling.

- Okay so slam-fire is going to be a regular verb for you now. It doesn't exist! Stop using it. My google-fu tells me that slamfire is actually a term. A NOUN. It's like saying I loaded rounds into my piece and RIFLED your ass from afar. Using your own jargon never comes out right.

- What was Walker doing this whole time when Trench was reloading in great detail and firing a second round? Waiting his turn? Wasn't he flaming him with beams?

- LOL. Okay firstly, Cauterization is the use of "applied and concentrated heat" to heal a wound. Painfully yes, but the source is concentrated to the pt of the wound, NOT everywhere like the flames from someone's powers. Secondly, there is nothing to cauterize; you literally said that the muscles shredded away and the bone breaks from the shot. The fire wouldn't cauterize anything, it would just burn you. Third, if the fire was within proximity to burn his leg regardless, then it was also within range to burn him from the getgo. Fourth, no metahuman in the history of fiction has ever treated a gunshot wound with the flames from his own hands. Cauterization is a desperation move; an unnatural involuntary response in the body like emergency tracheotomy where you puncture your own neck to breathe, or dislodging your own shoulder to get out of a bind. This guy, sadistic as he is, is still human and the first order of response would be to stop. Fall. And wince in pain, wishing he could go to a hospital. He wouldn't even think of Cauterization unless Trench was hot (pun) on his heels after this shot. Fifth, why is HE complaining. He caused his own cauterization. You know that only closes the wound (the wound that doesnt exist as seen in point 2) but not lessen the pain, right? Sixth, Cauterization is not an automatic effect of fire reaching a body part. He might as well have fucking roasted as soon as he was shot.

- You don't slap a ball of flame. That would imply that the ball is already out and he just applied inertia to it

- relax into a gentle smile? As oppose to what?

- If he was rewarding himself for a night off then why does he even have breaks?



And people wonder why I don't cnc fights.

I was going to get to Devour's next one but I'm tired right now. I'll do it whenever.



EDIT: I just thought of a Seventh point: A gunshot wound has gunpowder residue where the wound is. Cauterizing that shit will ignite your own flesh, dumbass.

Do your research before you talk about things you can't understand.